parents insist on using my "married" name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never changed my name when we got married.
DH didn't seem to care at all.
My parents insist on using my "married" name.
They use every explanation:
1) they couldn't remember I didn't change it
2) they were trying to make things easier for the postman
3) is it even legal to not change my name? (i am a lawyer--um, no)
4) they just assumed it changed automatically, and i am being difficult or incorrect
5) they didn't want to upset DH (like he didn't know about my name?)
They aren't particularly conservative on anything else, know plenty of women who didn't change their name, etc.
They make a big point to mail things to me under my "married" name.
I don't know why this drives me crazy, but it does.

Write return to sender. No Larla Smith at this address. If they inquire tell them the post office knows you as Larla Jones.

[Anonymous]

Cut your parents out of your life. They are toxic.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the opposite. She uses my maiden name on mail and I changed my name (over 20 years ago). It’s really weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even worse. My mom wants to address women as Mrs. Husband first name husband last name. So Mrs. John Doe. She wanted this on our wedding invites even for people who had different last names and different titles (like Dr. Or Major). She went to UC berkeley in the 60s. I have no words.

My mother does this to me and I HATE, HATE it. It’s really just symptomatic of the fact my mother has no identity, or feels she has no accomplishments besides being married to my stepfather. If she acknowledges other women have identities besides being married to a man it makes her feel like a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.

Yes.

Mine isn't offended...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use my maiden name professionally, but my married name socially. I don’t really care and answer to both.

Your parents are going with societal norms of their youth.

I have no doubt societal norms during their youth also required black people to sit at the back of the bus and not use the same entrances/water fountains/restrooms as white people. Yet, the social rule for addressing people by the name the ask to be used has always taken precedence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.

A name is never just a name. My name is my choice. Refusing to call me by my chosen name is deeply disrespectful.

I have a hard time believing that people who say it's not a big deal would not be upset if they had family members who refused to call them by their name, or insisted on calling them by a nickname they found offensive or irritating.

Also, that last line really pisses me off. My name is as much my name as my dad's name. Women own their names just as much as men do.

DP. It is just a name. A name that you didn't even pick out. How can you be so weirdly attached to it that you're digging in like this? That seems crazy to me. Do you get upset when people use the "name" but mispronounce it? Just lighten up a little. Life goes better when you unclench.

Oh, look! OP's family has found this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.

You have no idea why women don't change their names, so please stop judging things you apparently don't understand.

My name has been my name my whole life, and I like it. I didn't in any other way assume a new identity when I got married, so it made no sense to change my name. My kids have DH's last name for the practical reason that it's harder for men to travel alone with kids who have a different last name. We did consider other combinations, but that's what worked for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely try to be respectful of this. But also, many families just have one last name (I know not ALL families!). So people default to that. I realize now it's a thing with your parents so that makes it more irksome. I'd probably just talk to them about it at a non-mail receiving time so they know how much it bothers you.

I do find it interesting though that so many women keep their names out of principle, but then give their children their DH's last name. That was the main reason I changed name: to match my future kids.

You have no idea why women don't change their names, so please stop judging things you apparently don't understand.

My name has been my name my whole life, and I like it. I didn't in any other way assume a new identity when I got married, so it made no sense to change my name. My kids have DH's last name for the practical reason that it's harder for men to travel alone with kids who have a different last name. We did consider other combinations, but that's what worked for us.

Hello, me. Was about to write the same post, but you wrote it better. I think in another 10 years this probably won't even make an interesting post b/c then won't even be a "thing."

[Anonymous]

It’s disrespectful. Start calling them alternative names until they get your point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents do this too, and I find it so weird! My sister told me that she once was with my mom when I called, and she noticed that my mom had even changed my last name to DH's in her contacts since it popped up as <My first name> <DH's last name>.

My parents are somewhat conservative, but I don't think not changing my name is something they object to. I just think it's unexpected, and they have their hard time wrapping their mind around things they don't understand. My sister did change her last name and so did my SIL, so I'm an outlier.

My parents are very conservative and probably started using my married name the moment I said "I do." I think my mom was so happy that one of their kids finally got married and she could brag to their friends about it and feel "normal." She started to always write checks that way, too, Mr and Mrs XXX... which made going to the bank a real pain in the rear. Some checks were rejected and then she keep calling asking why a check wasn't cashed. Because I told you that's not my name on our account. Cards, packages, you name it, Mr. and Mrs. XXX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That should drive you crazy! It is insanely rude and passive aggressive. And sexist.

My parents bought me and the kids some tickets to visit once and used my “married name.” Yes I never changed it and that was Year 10 plus I work fulltime and never changed any of the emIl addresses I wrote them too.

Oh well. At least southwest did the change for free....

[Anonymous]

OP here.
Update to add we've been married more than a decade.
I could care less what my kids' friends or teachers call me. Holiday cards, whatever. I don't really even care what my in-laws call me, since I don't have the relationship baggage there.
Its mostly just a matter of feeling belittled and disrespected that my parents repeatedly forget/ignore/question/correct me on my own name. That they gave me.
I guess at least my boss remembers my correct name?
Thanks for the vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.

A name is never just a name. My name is my choice. Refusing to call me by my chosen name is deeply disrespectful.

I have a hard time believing that people who say it's not a big deal would not be upset if they had family members who refused to call them by their name, or insisted on calling them by a nickname they found offensive or irritating.

Also, that last line really pisses me off. My name is as much my name as my dad's name. Women own their names just as much as men do.

DP. It is just a name. A name that you didn't even pick out. How can you be so weirdly attached to it that you're digging in like this? That seems crazy to me. Do you get upset when people use the "name" but mispronounce it? Just lighten up a little. Life goes better when you unclench.

Oh, look! OP's family has found this thread!

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't realize people cared so much... it's just a name. Most of the time people will refer to you by your married name because it's easier. I address Christmas cards to two of my friends who didn't change their name to The "Maiden Name" Family.... is the husband offended by this? I think you ladies need to lighten up. There are much bigger issues: equal pay, glass ceiling, etc. to warrant your attention, then some stupid name that was your Dad's, and his Dad's, and his Dad's before that.

A name is never just a name. My name is my choice. Refusing to call me by my chosen name is deeply disrespectful.

I have a hard time believing that people who say it's not a big deal would not be upset if they had family members who refused to call them by their name, or insisted on calling them by a nickname they found offensive or irritating.

Also, that last line really pisses me off. My name is as much my name as my dad's name. Women own their names just as much as men do.

DP. It is just a name. A name that you didn't even pick out. How can you be so weirdly attached to it that you're digging in like this? That seems crazy to me. Do you get upset when people use the "name" but mispronounce it? Just lighten up a little. Life goes better when you unclench.

Just the name she graduated with. Got her law degree in. Had any number of professional accomplishments with. Just the name of her whole personal history...that’s all...

But all of that should be ignored for the convenience and sexism of others? No thanks.