A child should take the lead in the college search and application process, right?

[Anonymous]

I'm observing a situation in which a parent is taking the lead in the college search and application process. I'm suggesting the child should do this with the parent standing by for support, to answer questions, make suggestions, help with trips, etc. My suggestions are met with annoyance from the parent.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the kid. My mom did all of ours. I will greatly help.

[Anonymous]

I think that someone who is neither the parent nor the child should stay out of it. Each parent/child dynamic is different, and it's really none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Who are you relative to the parent and the child?

[Anonymous]

Could this possibly be one of the parents in a two parent household? Possibly different approaches to raising kids?

[Anonymous]

It’s January 2. Is the kid a junior or senior. If a junior, it’s no big deal. Parent is probably getting things rolling and the kid isn’t feeling a sense of urgency yet. If the kid is a senior and doesn’t have applications in, then the parent is probably lighting a fire to get things going. In any event, like PPs said, this is the business of the student and parent(s) to work through what should be done here.

[Anonymous]

I was an oldest kid in my family and had no idea what college applications entailed. My high school guidance counselor was useless. I was busy with advanced classes and uncomfortable envisioning my next step. My mom led my college application process. I wrote my essays and took the SATs, but she scheduled tours, monitored deadlines and pushed me to ask for letters of recommendation on time. I'm certain I wouldn't have managed to apply if she hadn't taken the lead. I'm now a successful adult who graduated from college with a 4.0 and managed to get a PhD and JD with no help from mom. Just stay out of it.

Some kids need a bigger push than others. I'm sure the parent is already annoyed the kid isn't more engaged. Stop rubbing salt in that wound.

[Anonymous]

My friends with college age kids have been deeply involved, almost as if it’s their part time job.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is a senior this year. She is definitely driving the college application process, while I'm arguing for the right to ride in the back seat. It's really hard, because I want to help and think her applications would be more polished if she wasn't acting so independently. But she really wants to do this her way, and I feel like it's important to let her take ownership of her future.

I am encouraging her to check in with other adults, from her HS counselor to a teacher neighbor who she loves, to get feedback and advice. If I'm in the back seat, maybe they're the training wheels that are going to keep us upright along this rocky road?

Most apps are now submitted or in process/due in the next couple of weeks, so I think we're going to survive this #($U* experience.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are the other parent, BUTT OUT. You won’t know what issues with finances, special needs, low SATs or grades, etc. could be complicating the college search process. Plus, knowing your kid is going to school in state and applying to UVA with JMU amd CNU as backups is very different from applying to T25s or SLACs. Other relatives, neighbors and friends don’t get a say, aren’t entitled to explanations or justifications, and shouldn’t have opened their mouths to being with. Your role is to say: that’s so exciting! When you are told where the child will attend.

If you are the other parent, get on the same page as your spouse, out of ear shot from your kid and present a united front. College applications are stressful enough without parents sniping.

Unless it’s your ex-spouse, in which case I suspect you have bigger issues then this. Sit down and agree on parameters for budget, cost, division of labor, checking, the role of each parent, etc. Then, remember this is very stressful for many kids, and you love your kid more than you hate your spouse and work together so your kid doesn’t hate you both and refuse to come home one she leaves.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the child and what else they are doing when they are not doing the college applications stuff. One of my kids traveled extensively for tournaments. He’s written enough papers and essays on the planes and in the airports, so I was happy to relieve him from all the research about the financial stuff, scholarships and safety schools.

[Anonymous]

Ha, I totally took the lead with my DS. If I hadn’t, here we’d be, in January 2, with zero applications in.

Now with my DD in a few years she’ll take the lead, she’s just like that.

Unless it’s your kid, and the other parent is your spouse or ex, none of your concern.

[Anonymous]

For us it was a team effort. I did a lot of research and zeroed in on the type of college that would be a good fit for DC, they give some feedback and we’ve landed on a very good decision for DC.

[Anonymous]

Not your kid, MYOB

Your kid, talk to the other parent. Like adults do.

[Anonymous]

My kid is a sophomore and I’ll be leading the process. I have one kid who is a self starter, this one is not. So to get her out of the house and onto college life, I’ll have to be involved. We’re full pay so hopefully there is something out there.