If you stayed home with your older kids, and then had another after a big age gap what did you do?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids. My youngest is 6. I stayed home until she was 5 and then went back to work.

I am now pregnant with my fourth. To be honest, it was a surprise. So, I'm trying to figure out whether I want to go back to being a SAHM, or hire a nanny, or do daycare. I enjoy my job, or I did before the pandemic, and it was a really good fit with parenting with the number of hours I wanted etc . . . , but right now with the exhaustion of pregnancy, and the challenges of both working virtually and dealing with 3 kids in virtual school, I'm tempted to quit.

I guess I just want to hear what other people have decided in similar situations.

I'll add that I loved staying home with my kids, and my kids thrived, but I have plenty of friends whose kids thrived with daycare or nannies. Financially, my job doesn't pay very well, so I'm not sure we'd come out ahead with me working and a nanny.

[Anonymous]

I have five children spaced over 14 years and I stayed home for all of them... the biggest gap is 3 years 10 months.

[Anonymous]

I would stay home. With 4 kids, you will have a lot of manage and it will be stressful to work full time too. Even if you have a great nanny/daycare, have a busy/hectic day at work then coming home to the chaos of making dinner, cleaning it up, getting kids ready for bed, etc would be a lot. Even if your spouse does an equal share, 4 kids is a huge handful.

At least as a SAHM, you can give the baby/toddler the attention and care during the day while still getting breaks at nap time to collect yourself and get some stuff done. You will be in a better spot when everyone comes home from school/work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stay home. With 4 kids, you will have a lot of manage and it will be stressful to work full time too. Even if you have a great nanny/daycare, have a busy/hectic day at work then coming home to the chaos of making dinner, cleaning it up, getting kids ready for bed, etc would be a lot. Even if your spouse does an equal share, 4 kids is a huge handful.

At least as a SAHM, you can give the baby/toddler the attention and care during the day while still getting breaks at nap time to collect yourself and get some stuff done. You will be in a better spot when everyone comes home from school/work.

I don’t know if I agree with this. I have never stayed at home with my 3 kids and I always had a nanny/school. The days I am more exhausted are the days I spend with my kids... I honestly rest when I am at work. I do agree that work (depending on what type of work) is more stressful though...

[Anonymous]

You are correct pp staying home of the toughest job but far especially when they are little.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really need to do the math. How much money would you lose? Could you SAH for six months or one year, then return? Daycare costs aren’t static.

Also, how is your marriage? I can SAH because I have 100% confidence in DH. I wouldn’t risk it if we had been fighting.

[Anonymous]

Agree to run the numbers for daycare. A short gap can be harmful to your earnings potential, which matters if you have four kids.

[Anonymous]

I both stayed home AND had a nanny. That way I could spend time with the older kids after school and into the evening when they needed me, after spending all day with the babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I both stayed home AND had a nanny. That way I could spend time with the older kids after school and into the evening when they needed me, after spending all day with the babies.

I think this is the ideal - not necessarily a full time nanny but someone 20 hours a week?

[Anonymous]

I have three and work FT; I can’t fathom having four and continuing to work FT (or, to have both parents working FT). It’s probably the biggest reason we didn’t have a fourth, since I love my career and want to keep working more than I want another kid. If you’re lukewarm about work, why continue with four kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I both stayed home AND had a nanny. That way I could spend time with the older kids after school and into the evening when they needed me, after spending all day with the babies.

I think this is the ideal - not necessarily a full time nanny but someone 20 hours a week?

This. A part time nanny in the afternoons made everything more manageable. The older kids have to be driven around to after school activities, want/need attention, and homework. It's hard to keep a 1-2 year old entertained, make dinner, oversee homework, and pick up from soccer practice all at the same time. I know many people can't swing this financially, but if you can it's worth it. Or at least a mother's helper a couple afternoons a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three and work FT; I can’t fathom having four and continuing to work FT (or, to have both parents working FT). It’s probably the biggest reason we didn’t have a fourth, since I love my career and want to keep working more than I want another kid. If you’re lukewarm about work, why continue with four kids?

I don't know if lukewarm is the right word. I started back at work in fall of 2019, so I worked in person for 7 months. I really liked it. The past 9 months while I've been working remotely, while also trying to educate 3 kids, and for the past couple months having severe morning sickness? That hasn't been much fun. I think that lots of people feel that way.

I also have a job with a schedule that is about as good as a working parent with lots of kids can get, so giving that up, if I wasn't going to be home for a few years gives me pause.

[Anonymous]

I get that you're pregnant and exhausted due to the current situation, but you need to think longer term. You may feel differently next fall when your three older kids are at in-person school. I would personally try to hang onto your job and outsource help for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three and work FT; I can’t fathom having four and continuing to work FT (or, to have both parents working FT). It’s probably the biggest reason we didn’t have a fourth, since I love my career and want to keep working more than I want another kid. If you’re lukewarm about work, why continue with four kids?

I don't know if lukewarm is the right word. I started back at work in fall of 2019, so I worked in person for 7 months. I really liked it. The past 9 months while I've been working remotely, while also trying to educate 3 kids, and for the past couple months having severe morning sickness? That hasn't been much fun. I think that lots of people feel that way.

I also have a job with a schedule that is about as good as a working parent with lots of kids can get, so giving that up, if I wasn't going to be home for a few years gives me pause.

Sure—I agree that trying to work FT while also monitoring three kids on DL is awful. Would you be open to hiring help for them?

I also have a pretty ideal work schedule (in both COVID and non-COVID) times. I still can’t imagine having another kid and continuing to have both parents working FT. But, if you could get an au pair/nanny, maybe it’s doable? It also depends on how involved you want to be with your kids. Four kids have a lot of activities, medical appointments, homework they need help with, etc. etc. But if you’re fine with outsourcing a good chunk of that, and you can afford to do so, then I think it can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I both stayed home AND had a nanny. That way I could spend time with the older kids after school and into the evening when they needed me, after spending all day with the babies.

I think this is the ideal - not necessarily a full time nanny but someone 20 hours a week?

That's what we had. Someone from 2-7pm. They did all the kids laundry (minus bedding), prepping dinner, helped the older kids clean out lunch box each day and pack most of their lunch for the next day, and then entertained the two little ones while I ran the older ones around. Sometimes it just meant going with them to walk the dog while they decompressed from school. The nanny would feed the little ones dinner.