Breathalyzer

[Anonymous]

DH admitted he has a problem with alcohol and he’s working on it. He’s seeing a counselor, is thinking about going to group meetings. Still drinking some - nothing like he was, but he has acknowledged that could happen any day. This has been since June. From my perspective he is making progress, but it is slow going. He has a lot of denial, but I think is become more willing to acknowledge the scope of the problem. I think this is pretty normal.

Today he says he’s going to try for a year of sobriety. But, he’s not sure he can do it, so he wants to get a home breathalyzer and use it daily and send (via app) or show me the results. I said no, I’m not in charge of his sobriety, at some point he’ll be mad at me or resent me for it, and there are a million ways that he can double down on lying or hiding the drinking even with the breathalyzer if that’s what he wants to do (example “I forgot” or “I took it I don’t know why it didn’t send it to you”). There are major trust issues in our marriage due to his drinking and I think this will exacerbate them. I don’t want to be his oversight/accountability for staying sober. I’m very uncomfortable.

He is furious with me. He says he’s asking for my help but I’m refusing to help him, which is mean and hurtful. He is offended/defensive that I think he will react negatively sometime in the future. He thinks this will help rebuild trust. I suggested this may be something to discuss with the counselor and he got angry saying this is his idea, not the counselors.

Does anyone have any experience with home breathalyzers? How did it work out? Is there a benefit to this that I’m not seeing?

I know my husband is hurting and I I know he is trying. I love him and I want to support him. This doesn’t seem like the best way to do that but I’m wondering what others experiences have been.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it.

He wants to send his 0.0 to you daily?

If this is too ofgluttunv to you (don’t understand why) have him send it to his counselor.

[Anonymous]

Yes, he wants to send me his daily 0.0 to prove that he’s sober, because he is afraid he won’t stay sober and that he will lie about it. That way, if he doesn’t send it, it will be a red flag that he drinking and hiding it again.

It’s off putting to me because I think it will create more reason to lie - if he will lie about the drinking he will also lie, in some way, about the breathalyzer. Or he’ll game it. Or he’ll get mad at me for raising a flag about his drinking because “it was only X # of drinks and I’ve been sober for Y period of time.”

I’ll suggest that about his counselor.

[Anonymous]

Just donut to support him. What’s wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

You both need to be in a treatment program, he as the one seeking sobriety and you as his support or possibly one of his triggers.

We entered the road to recovery a few years back and it is a roller coaster but the one thing that has to remain constant is the progress which i credit you for acknowledging. The other is the proper treatment program. After being in 4 different programs and thinking each one is the right one you start to feel defeated but you have to keep going.

Is it just substance abuse? Is there an underlying reason? If so, he needs a program that treats both.

You guys need to be in a program together. You need to understand a lot more about addiction and not worry about the stigma.

[Anonymous]

This is why i only drink what I make myself, and in moderation.

Also, having an unaddictive personality helps.

Around 3-4pm I measure out some of my homebrew and enjoy it. Then maybe some more. Being careful to measure. just tipping the mason jar over starts a slippery slope!

I'm thinking of cutting back to just one. But....2020...come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why i only drink what I make myself, and in moderation.

Also, having an unaddictive personality helps.

Around 3-4pm I measure out some of my homebrew and enjoy it. Then maybe some more. Being careful to measure. just tipping the mason jar over starts a slippery slope!

I'm thinking of cutting back to just one. But....2020...come on.

In what way is this post helpful? Maybe you should seek some help for only making things about you.

[Anonymous]

I would also be uncomfortable with his suggestion. I would not want to parent my DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your spouse is looking for a supportive recovery group that is not religious (ie, AA) and scientific based I suggest he look into https://www.smartrecovery.org

It's based on rational emotive behavior therapy and is all about personal choice and responsibility. There are no sponsors and you are not castigated for slipping -- you just pick yourself up and keep going.

It sounds like he's in the pre-contemplation phase; he's exploring the idea of stopping his drinking but is still ambivalent.

I'm not sure about the motive for showing you his BAC every day -- perhaps he can keep a log of when he's feeling urges to drink, triggering situations, etc. and you can work together to mitigate.

I know this is somewhat rambling but I wanted to give you information that there's more out there than AA. Smart has online meetings, forums, a 24/7 chat, etc.

Good luck with your decision. It's hard. Very hard to quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why i only drink what I make myself, and in moderation.

Also, having an unaddictive personality helps.

Around 3-4pm I measure out some of my homebrew and enjoy it. Then maybe some more. Being careful to measure. just tipping the mason jar over starts a slippery slope!

I'm thinking of cutting back to just one. But....2020...come on.

Thanks for your stream of consciousness answer that is literally no help to the OP.

OP, I think he should talk to his counselor about this. You are right. I also get where he is coming from - he sees this as a way for you to be a team and isn't thinking through what happens if he relapses. Hopefully his counselor can suggest another activity you can do together that will support him - journaling and talking about your day? Planning and cooking together? Something that doesn't tie back to his drinking problem.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Yes to talking with the counselor about this. The day will come when your DH doesn’t send you his daily test result. Did he forget or did he drink? What are you supposed to do at that point?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are 100% correct that this is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

BIL used to be a drunk on the weekends. Sister started secretly recording him while he was drinking and then showed him a month of videos. He quit after seeing how he looked while acting the fool.

[Anonymous]

man, last weekend I was out with my buddies and I got so hammered that I passed out at one of their apartments. Their wife woke me up in the morning and told me to go home. I did, but drank more when I got home to keep the party going. Sometimes it’s fun to get boozed 🥴 and party hard. Next weekend after Christmas, we are supposed to go skiing where we will be hammered the whole time. Live and learn!

[Anonymous]

He wants your help. You should help him.

It's a good motivator to aim for 0.0 every day and have someone you're trying to prove you can do it to.

I started exercising a few months ago. I proudly report my progress each day like how many minutes I did on the bike, etc to DW. She's supportive, and it motivates me to show her and myself that I'm trying to improve my health.