Past unrequited crush, thoughts on

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12/22/2020 22:18

Subject: Past unrequited crush, thoughts on

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Anonymous

I was newly married, about 30, when I started working for an organization. He had worked there for many years and was older, seemingly single, maybe 50-55. We didn’t work directly together, but saw each other every day. I didn’t take any particular notice of him, other than a colleague I politely chatted with, for about a year, until we were sitting next to each other at an event and he off-handedly told me something about himself that was really unusual and interesting. Over the next year I paid more attention to him, and noticed that he was funny in the gentle way that I like, very good at his job (although too dedicated to it, it seemed to me), and very smart and kind, good listener blah blah. DH was working long hours. I started staying later and talking to him (he stayed late at work almost every night), sometimes crush and I went out to dinner and had a really good time, kind of in an intimate date sort of timbre, or at least, that’s how it felt to me. At that time, job stress was getting to me and I started drinking a lot at home. I pursued him obliquely and maybe not-so-obliquely. I would invite him to things and he would say yes and then cancel the day before; he was often saying “rain check.” He came in on weekends, lived alone, told me about a brief romance with a woman he had had many years before. I know he liked me at least as a friend; he once said, “there’s a lot of people who love you here [at our company],” and gave me a book he’d inscribed “Love to [my name].” It seemed like most of his friends were centered around his work, and he frequently went out to dinner with men and women and in groups. I felt like I was one of the many colleagues he liked and got along with; he never seemed to track onto me.

Eventually I realized I needed to get sober and focused on that. I tried to get closer to DH and our relationship did get better. I took a new job within the company and moved to a different floor; was focused on succeeding at that. I left the company about a year later. DH and I still together and have 2 young kids. Crush and I are in occasional email contact.

I read the Christie Smythe Martin Shkreli story in Elle and then a Twitter commentary on it, saying maybe CS was attracted to MS b/c she wanted to “blow her life up.” I wonder if that’s what I was doing when I was really into him? DH and I are opposites, opposite fields of work. My crush was someone who was like me, who was a much better listener than DH. He said once something to the effect of, it’s crazy how much our instincts are the same. I really feel like I would have left DH for him if he responded to my overtures, even though my family would have flipped out about the age difference and giving up a great man in my DH.

I guess in my Covid boredom and malaise, I’m thinking back to him and letting the crush flare in my heart a little bit. I keep wondering, why was he not into me? He had his own rich inner world and didn’t need me. He was uncommonly dedicated to his job. I was attractive and talented and just...in love with him. If I had been unattached when I started working there, would that have made a difference? What’s the deal with guys who are single and never married in their 50s? Did he have a type and I wasn’t it? He was really, really into his work and colleagues who did work with him directly told me that he could be very demanding/perfectionist and once reduced a member of his staff to tears. I never saw that side of him. I think if we had gotten together, I would have been frustrated at being a distant #2 to his work.

I know it was wrong and against my vows w/ DH. It’s not something I would act on now given that I have kids, just a private compartment in my heart. I can’t talk to anyone about it. I should probably get a therapist, but in the meantime, DCUM will do if you have any (kind) insight.