Parents of bilingual kids - in need of some support

[Anonymous]

I am a native speaker of non-English language and my spouse is an American native English speaker. I moved to this country straight out of college 10 years before I had my kids. After I had my kids I did my best to speak to them in my native language, but due to my husband not understanding it, usually switched to English when he was around. Over time my kids got a lot more fluent in English and it was a lot easier to have some conversations in English. Today my oldest child asked me to only speak in my native language to her when we are alone, so she can keep up with it. I am determined to do this for her benefit, but I am nervous. It doesn't feel completely natural to me to speak in my native language anymore and I am worried that this will create a communication gap between me and teenager. She won't be able to respond back in my native language in all conversations, but said she would try her best.
We talk a lot about current events so I am concerned that my vocabulary will be lacking. I moved away from .my country more than 20 years ago!
Anyone in the same situation and can offer some words of comfort?

[Anonymous]

Yes - I've been in the US for almost 30 years. I started speaking to my kids in my native language from birth after almost 20 years in this country (my husband now understands most of it, never having formally learned the language). It still does not come easily - because so much of my life plays out in English. Indeed, sometimes I need to look up a word in my native language So what! Be proud of your daughter and speak to her in your language. You will both benefit, and you will both feel more comfortable over time. Also, watch some TV in your native language if you can - for my European language, a lot of the channels are available online. Good luck, and take this opportunity!

[Anonymous]

^Oh, I also try to read the news from my native country. That way, your own vocabulary on current issues will come back.

[Anonymous]

Not in your situation, but I'm the child of immigrants whose native language is not English. My grandmother, however, did not speak English and spent a lot of time with us. Also, my parents, unlike many of their friends from the same country, always spoke their native language to each other and to us (well, maybe more like a blend).

As an adult, I can't speak as well as I can understand the language, and I am fluent enough to navigate my way around the country my parents came from. And, even though we sometimes had to take a few tries to communicate things, I was very, very close to my grandmother while she was alive. I don't think that the language has to be an issue for that closeness.

[Anonymous]

^^Should say, "but I am fluent enough..."

[Anonymous]

This is such a lovely thing she is asking for.

If you find that it's stifling some of the conversation you need to have -- especially frank conversations with a teen about difficult subjects -- maybe consider finding a set if specific situations where you use your first language. For example, if you are in the car together, speak your first language -- but in other situations, switch it up.

Can you find some topics of mutual interest to talk about? Is she interested in the food traditions of your home country? Could you cook together in your first language?

[Anonymous]

From another perspective- my dad is a native Spanish speaker and immigrated before I was born. He never spoke to me in Spanish for the reasons you stated- my mom didn't speak it and he just kind of let it go. It makes me really sad and I wish that I spoke it, I feel like I can't communicate with my family and it's a huge part of my heritage I'm missing. So please keep at it! Especially if she's interested!! She will thank you someday.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat. When my twins were born, I had not spoken my native language for over 15 years. It was so unnatural to speak it again, especially to newborns, who could not reply. I kept at it, and I hope that the kids will be able to keep it up. I am not sure what it will be like when they are teenagers (they are only 5 now), but so far, they are bilingual and speak both languages well. Your daughter seems like a thoughtful human being. Well done, mom! I hope your daughter remembers enough to be able to pick it up quickly. Also are there any classes that she could take to help her keep up the language?

[Anonymous]

I was raised in the US by 2 parents who immigrated right before I was born. My mother made sure her children could speak our native language. I have an American accent and read at a 3rd grade level but with my mother’s help, I’m teaching my children the language. Miraculously my eldest does not have an American accent.

[Anonymous]

A non-perfect version of your native language is the best gift you can give your children. As the saying goes, don't let perfect be the enemy of good.

The more both of you use your native language, the more natural and comfortable it will become. But you have to get through the less easy times. The only way to learn a language well is to be willing to make mistakes and to let go of self-conscious feelings about it. Try to model that for your child, even if you're faking it.

Since your child is a teen, are there television shows or movies the two of you can watch online in your native language? As a teenager I used to be obsessed with cheesy Mexican telenovelas on Univision and while sure it wasn't quality brain-building stuff, my Spanish is still pretty fluent. There might be youtubers around her age from your country that she might be interested in.

[Anonymous]

What a great kid you have.

That's amazing.

I have no advice, I am just impressed that she is looking to connect with you and her heritage in such a meaningful way.

[Anonymous]

What would you tell your daughter if she want confident she could immediately succeed at something? You would probably tell her that sometimes important things take work, and that hard work is important.

So take your own advice! You can do this and it is such an amazing gift to give.

[Anonymous]

You've got this, OP! It can be a gift to your daughter, as well as a bonding experience for you both. Not exactly your situation, but I'm a heritage Spanish-speaker. Both my parents were immigrants who came to the US for college/grad school and spoke excellent English, but we spoke mostly Spanish at home. My husband doesn't speak Spanish at all, and, like you, I found it awkward to speak Spanish to our kids since he couldn't participate in our conversations. All three of my kids studied Spanish starting in 3rd-grade. They're all good students overall, but the youngest has a talent for languages and quickly surpassed her brothers. She started speaking Spanish with me and has continued through high school and now into college. Although my Spanish felt a little rusty at first, it got better as we chatted, listened to Spanish music and watched TV and movies in Spanish. She has taught me contemporary Spanish idioms, which has been fun, and even my accent has improved! Interestingly, her brothers have now seen the benefits of speaking Spanish and the oldest, a medical student, is taking "health-care Spanish". Next year DD will be studying in Spain and we're all hoping to have Christmas there.

[Anonymous]

Don’t beat yourself up. If this is something that interests your children and that they want, then you’ll find a way to bring it into their world. And similarly if they are just not feeling it, then there’s little you can do to force them to speak a particular language.

I’ll also offer that immersion is magical. It doesn’t all have to hinge on you. Could you travel somewhere sometime where they speak your native language, like for a vacation? That would be super fun for your child.

I speak Spanish fluently and had essentially zero exposure to it as a child. But I had the chance to work in South America in a place where almost nobody spoke English. In 6 months I was basically fluent.

My point is it doesn’t have to hinge entirely on you. It’s a lifelong thing to learn and maintain a language and depends a lot on how much the individual cares or wants the second language.

Even just some exposure to a second language for your kids is a wonderful thing!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a great kid you have.

That's amazing.

I have no advice, I am just impressed that she is looking to connect with you and her heritage in such a meaningful way.

+1. Also I didn't understand that people can lose a native language and I appreciate understanding that. I suppose language is one of the arts for a reason, they all take regular practice for upkeep.