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"How to talk so your children will listen" - reviews please!
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Anonymous
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I have 2 active boys (2 and 4). I think generally they are well behaved, we communicate well, and I don't feel like I'm screaming at them.
But there are moments (like when they were running around playing in the hallway WHILE brushing their teeth last night), where I feel like they are too wound up and they really don't HEAR me unless I use a loud/forceful (maybe even "shouting"?) tone. Is this totally normal with this age? Or am I in need of some coaching? And is this book any good? My experience with the 2-3 parenting books I've read is that some of them just aren't worth the time.... and I'm short on time! Can anyone tell me about this book? What is its focus? What is its targeted age group? How did it help you? Were the tips practical? I'd like to find a way to speak softly ALL the time, and still be able to get my kids attention when necessary. |
Anonymous
| I need to get this book- our psychologist recommended and your post reminded me I never got it. |
Anonymous
| It's a good book, but IIRC think a lot of it is targeted at schoolage kids. |
Anonymous
| It can't hurt to read it, but it is definitely aimed for an older age group. |
Anonymous
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I think this is a fantastic book and part of the "book kit" I recommend when people ask me about my favorite parenting books.
It's very tactical and concrete, and you can read 10 pages and get something out of it the same day. A central theory (though this is not an academic book) is that parents create a safe, comforting environment by showing a child that the child's feelings are valid, heard and understood. Despite that description, it is not that touchy-feeling a book--and very applicable to real life, with concrete examples and scenarios throughout. My kids are also really different in their personalities and what I like about the book is that it is not "one size fits all"--it provides the principles and you adapt those to your child and your own style. I highly recommend it for parents of preschoolers and up! (your kids are not too young) |
Anonymous
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For parents kids younger than 5, I HIGHLY recommend the companion book How to Behave So Your Preschooler will Too. Love it.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Behave-Your-Preschooler-Will/dp/0142004588/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1266589806&sr=8-1 |
Anonymous
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The listen/talk thing is more about getting real conversations going, not about how to stop yourself from shouting. I think "How to Talk" is a good book to read and try to process early, because the principles behind it are useful at a pretty early age, even if the specific practices don't apply until later.
You might want to try "How to Behave So Your Kids Will, Too," which has helped me step away from my THIS TIME I MEAN IT!!!! parenting. Also, Penelope Leach says that you need to expect to repeat yourselves with younger kids, and that makes sense to me. Language is still a little alien to them, and their own worlds are more fascinating than the realm of putting on coats or brushing their teeth, so they are inclined to ignore you and to need a little time to process when they aren't ignoring you. (Think of yourself on vacation somewhere where you don't speak the language all that well -- you and the waiters tend to repeat stuff back to each other a lot.) |
Anonymous
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OP, it is a good book, but I agree, not really for toddler and preschooler age.
If I recall correctly, the main message is to remember to express empathy, to use "I" messages and so on. Quite useful if you aren't already doing those things. For preschoolers and toddlers, have you looked at "Happiest Toddler on the Block"? The analogy to toddlers as cavemen is hokey, but actually makes sense. I found a lot of the advice very useful. I had a toddler and preschooler when I read it, and reading it helped me see the very big differences between my two year old (a "caveman") and my 4 year old (a "villager"). THey can both hear your words, but the younger one will not interpret your words the same way as the older one will. http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Well-Behaved-Four-Year-Old/product-reviews/0553381431/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1 |
Anonymous
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Why not start young? Parents must develop good reflective listening habits. No time is too soon to get this book and start reading and internalizing the message.
The technique is straight-forward and common sense- any therapist or teacher or manager learns these communication methods- there is no hocus pocus. It's easy to read and easy to return to again and again. It's avail. used -- Add it to your collection! |
Anonymous
I think the key issue with a 2 year old is just that they do not yet communicate as a school aged child does. So if you use the examples from the book, you will basically find the examples not useful. In the book, the children are depicted saying expressing their thoughts using complete sentences, such as "I hate my teacher". Parents are told NOT to say things like "Don't say that! She's a nice teacher" but instead to empathize and say "You are saying you hate your teacher. Tha must be hard..." or stuff like that. 2 year olds don's say "I hate my teacher". They just throw a temper tantrum or should "No!" and kick and scream. Karp's book actually uses the same principle of empathizing with the toddler, just suggests that you keep your sentences very very short when doing so. Don't say "You are really upset about having to stop sledding and go inside." Say "No, no, no! Don't go inside!" |
Anonymous
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I'm not a parenting book person but this one is a winner.
I got it when my daughter was 2 and have been using it. You can't apply everything in it to a toddler, but you CAN train yourself to interact the way the book recommends, and you CAN train yourself to avoid the unproductive responses that come so naturally. Then, by the time your child is old enough the conversational techniques, you are accustomed to playing that role. Get it. Read it. Live it. |
Anonymous
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I have been reading this book (I have a 2 yr old and 4 yr old) and I find it very helpful, but I agree it's aimed at older children. I am also reading "Siblings without Rivalry" which has been rather enlightening.
One thing I need to add about this style of communicating/parenting is that I believe it needs to come naturally or sincerely. I think kids can see through your efforts if it isn't sincere. It happens to fit my parenting style but not my overall communications style (i.e. with my husband) so I am trying to work on better communication in the household in general, and not just focusing on my kids. |
Anonymous
| My 11 year-old looked at a neighbor's copy and told me I should read it; it had some good ideas. |
Anonymous
Read OP's post. She has a 4 year old also. 4 year olds can communicate quite well. |
Anonymous
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I have this book and highly recommend it - read it just before my daughter turned 2, and while I agree that some of it is aimed at older children, I have actually found it really useful with my child. I think the key is to not focus on the specific examples, but rather on the underlying philosophy of truly *listening* to your child. So, for example, if my daughter is upset about me taking away toy X, it really does make a difference if I say "You're mad at me because I took X away, aren't you? I know that's really difficult, but we need to do Y now, and can play with X again later." So while she may not be able to express her emotions to me clearly in words, having me express them back to her to show I understand does seem to really help.
At the same time OP - I don't know that I think there is anything wrong with using a loud / forceful voice on occasion. Hell, if my husband is caught up in what he's doing, I definitely sometimes need to raise the volume to get his attention. (And vice versa I'll admit 
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