Helping Out My Stepdaughter

[Anonymous]

I am a stepmom to a 20 year old college student, a young woman. I married her father 3 years ago. I've known her since she was 12. She has always struggled with her weight, she is an obese girl who is very much into junk food. Her own mother does not mind, she says "she is beautiful as she is." And she really is beautiful. But she can't go up one flight of stairs without being out of breath, she struggles walking, she complains that she can never find clothes she likes.

I like her, she is a nice girl, she is polite and sweet. But my heart breaks when I see struggling her like that and everyone just keeps quiet, so that they don't hurt her feelings. Can I do something? Her self-esteem is down low Her father is concerned too but doesn't want a potential confrontation.

[Anonymous]

No. She knows that she is overweight! You should do nothing other than provide healthy meals for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

I would pick a quiet moment when she is alone, and say "It seems like you're sometimes unhappy with your size. I think you're beautiful and a fabulous person, but .... would you like me to get you some appointments with a nutritionist as a Christmas present, or is there something else you'd like for Christmas?"

That way she has a way of easily changing the subject (I want books!) or can say "Yes please" and then you can just say okay, I'll find you someone good. Then you change the subject, like "My go-to nail place closed due to Covid so I'll have to find a new nail salon too."

[Anonymous]

NO. Stay out of it. PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO. Stay out of it. PLEASE.

This, you can offer to go for walks, buy healthier food for everyone in your home discretely but don't shame her.

[Anonymous]

Ask if shes ever considered gastric bypass and offer to look into it with her.

[Anonymous]

Has she been to a doctor? What does the doctor say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would pick a quiet moment when she is alone, and say "It seems like you're sometimes unhappy with your size. I think you're beautiful and a fabulous person, but .... would you like me to get you some appointments with a nutritionist as a Christmas present, or is there something else you'd like for Christmas?"

That way she has a way of easily changing the subject (I want books!) or can say "Yes please" and then you can just say okay, I'll find you someone good. Then you change the subject, like "My go-to nail place closed due to Covid so I'll have to find a new nail salon too."

As lovely and ideal as this is, I would very much not suggest this coming from a step mother. Friend? Aunt? Sure. Step mom? No way. It will only add fuel to whatever negative feelings she might harbor towards you.

[Anonymous]

Forget about the weight. The weight is a symptom. The problem is her low self esteem. And you CAN help with that. What is she good at? What does she like? What are her best qualities? Find ways to reinforce them! If she's good with animals, suggest volunteering at an animal shelter. If she likes reading, ask her for book recommendations, then read one of them and discuss it with her! Complement her analysis. Tell her when she makes good points. Compliment her to other people you know! "Oh, Larla recommended X book and it was wonderful - she's such a voracious reader, we're so proud of her."

You're looking at the wrong problem.

[Anonymous]

As a stepmom, you are in a bad spot for this kind of conversation. It could blow up in your face. If she would ever open the door to her unhappiness about her situation, I would offer to pay for a nutritionist or gym. As a PP stated, when she visits show her what a healthy meal looks like. If you talk to her regularly, you can mentioned your daily healthy habits. For example, “Your dad and I took advantage of the beautiful weather today with a 2 hour bike ride.”

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Please. It will only make her shame worse. She knows. The poster who posted that example convo, my mom had that with me (not even stepmom) and it was well meaning but all it did at the end of the day was increase my shame over time which increases overeating. Model behaviors of caring for yourself (NOT dieting, not passively insinuating some foods are good and others are bad), learn and read a little about intuitive eating and start using that language for yourself. Model moving your body for enjoyment, not to change your body. It’s really hard - I totally get it but I can promise she is well aware and will have to do this on her own.

[Anonymous]

It is futile, OP. The girl will always stay fat because her mother enabled her. She probably never knew what good nutrition was or regular exercise. The girl is 20, not 2. It is too late to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Do not discount the possibility that she suffered ongoing trauma as a child. I can only speak for one person I know, but she was sexually abused and now it manifests as obesity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not discount the possibility that she suffered ongoing trauma as a child. I can only speak for one person I know, but she was sexually abused and now it manifests as obesity.

Yep, that’s me. Obesity is a symptom of something else. It may be the most outward manifestation of rampant insulin resistance (in that case, a low carb diet and fasting will help). It may be a symptom of binge eating disorder. If you already know she has low self esteem, something else is going on. Yeh low self esteem can lead to self medication with food. What’s going on with her?

Get to know her better. She does NOT need you to point out that she’s fat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not discount the possibility that she suffered ongoing trauma as a child. I can only speak for one person I know, but she was sexually abused and now it manifests as obesity.

It may be this or it may be something medical. Does she still see a pediatrician? If so the pediatrician may gloss over it at appointments. My dd's pediatrician did at appointments by telling her to just stop eating junk food and exercise more - she did that but it didn't help. He also tried to blame my grocery shopping habits of which he had no knowledge. We switched her to a our PCP and he immediately recognized a hormonal issue. After various tests and a visit to an endocrinologist, dd was diagnosed with insulin resistance. She may or may not have pcos but the insulin resistance makes it really hard for her to lose weight b/c she is always hungry. She is going to start working with a dietician soon. Now that she realizes there is a cause, she is more motivated to tackle it.