Need to move to more affordable area. Custody?

[Anonymous]

We live in Fairfax County. While xDH did leave equity in home to me, and I’ve refinanced in my name, I’ve realized that paying mortgage and all the upkeep that will be needed to maintain the home over the coming years is going to eventually either put me in the red or at least make it really hard to keep up a good savings cushion.
I want to sell home and move to a cheaper area out further west where I have friends, about an hour away from where we are now. I have a very secure job that is mostly telework.
Can I do this? I will have primary custody. XDH is going to be traveling for work most of the next 3 years but he says I have to stay in home with kids and if I try to move them somewhere else he will sue for custody. Mostly I think he just wants to stick it to me and watch me suffer financially. Currently he does not have his own place.
There aren’t many more affordable housing options in Fairfax County. If I did find something cheaper in Fairfax county, the school and neighborhood would be so different that it might as well be in another state. It makes more sense to me to move out further into a more affordable area especially if XDH is not going to be around much anyway.
He has no family in this country. I have family, but they live far away and wouldn’t be able to help much even if we lived close.
He says he would cancel his travel in order to keep the kids here but I think he is bluffing. He’s an asshole dad, not good at managing the kids, he is especially hard on our DS. FCPS certainly isn’t worth sticking around for.

[Anonymous]

You say he's trying to watch you suffer financially but that makes no sense when he gave you the house, equity in the house and you agreed to stay for the kids. If the agreement is to stay in VA you'd have to get the courts permission to move. You sound pretty spiteful to him.

[Anonymous]

He gave me the equity in the house because at the time, I really wanted to stay in it. I still have a huge mortgage. I realize now that I was being overly optimistic in terms of being able to afford this particular home on my own.

[Anonymous]

And there is no agreement to stay in VA.

[Anonymous]

And, I’m not talking about leaving VA necessarily. Just leaving Fairfax County.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He gave me the equity in the house because at the time, I really wanted to stay in it. I still have a huge mortgage. I realize now that I was being overly optimistic in terms of being able to afford this particular home on my own.

That was very nice and generous of him. Give him some credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And there is no agreement to stay in VA.

Talk to him or go to court.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has a case to sue you for that equity and take the kids if you're going to flip-flop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has a case to sue you for that equity and take the kids if you're going to flip-flop.

Where are you getting this from? There’s nothing in the settlement that says I have to stay in the house for x number of years. And I have up a huge chunk of TSP in exchange for that equity.

[Anonymous]

Only an hour away shouldn't be a big deal. How often does he see them now? Can you offer to do all the transportation for the visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only an hour away shouldn't be a big deal. How often does he see them now? Can you offer to do all the transportation for the visits?

This. Also, if you can show that the move would benefit your kids, you will have a strong case if he sues for custody (and your case will already be strong because you are already primary parent and your job accommodates the kids better than his).

Look at schools in your target area and see if you can find ones that really suit your kids. Look for homes that have kid friendly features (big yards, a rec room, etc.). Also, could the money you would save on mortgage payments go at least in part towards your kids? Activities or college savings?

There is no reason for you to have to stay in a house you don’t feel you can afford, and it doesn’t sound like your ex actually wants custody, just to control your actions. I think you have the upper hand here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only an hour away shouldn't be a big deal. How often does he see them now? Can you offer to do all the transportation for the visits?

Right now he sees them all the time because he is still living here.
I’m fine with doing all that transportation. But he won’t even be here much over the next 3 years. As I said in my OP, he will be going overseas.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a lawyer OP
As it is he has a right to ask for custody, so whether he is manipulating you or not doesnt matter. Get an agreement sorted now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only an hour away shouldn't be a big deal. How often does he see them now? Can you offer to do all the transportation for the visits?

This. Also, if you can show that the move would benefit your kids, you will have a strong case if he sues for custody (and your case will already be strong because you are already primary parent and your job accommodates the kids better than his).

Look at schools in your target area and see if you can find ones that really suit your kids. Look for homes that have kid friendly features (big yards, a rec room, etc.). Also, could the money you would save on mortgage payments go at least in part towards your kids? Activities or college savings?

There is no reason for you to have to stay in a house you don’t feel you can afford, and it doesn’t sound like your ex actually wants custody, just to control your actions. I think you have the upper hand here.

Absolutely yes I would be saving a TON of money on my mortgage payments and would be able to put a lot of that toward their activities and education. And if their overall expenses are lower because of cheaper housing, that benefits XDH too because we based child support on expenses, and right now housing expenses are by far the biggest part of that pie.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to him, not us. Child support isn't based off expenses so it doesn't benefit him. Child support is based off expenses and time share. And you should do 100% of the transportation back and forth. I think the big issue is if he has overnights when he's home, how will the kids get back and forth to school and will you deny him time because of the school/transportation issue.