Donor eggs from relative - issues and considerations to be aware of?

[Anonymous]

My younger sister has offered to donate her eggs to us since IVF with my own eggs hasn't worked yet. Would love any advice from those who have used eggs from a relative or friend. Did you run into any unexpected problems? Did you tell your child who the donor was? Did you sign any kind of agreement with your relative/friend? Did you all talk to a counselor together to prepare? I assume insurance won't cover this even though it covers my own IVF. What can I do to make things as easy as possible for her? How did your husband/partner handle it (mine is still not comfortable with it). No one has ever offered such a precious gift to us before and I am floored.

[Anonymous]

I can only answer this partly because although we have another child from IVF, the donor eggs from a family member were not successful. Yes, definitely get a legal agreement (good walls make good neighbors on something like this). The lawyer will walk you through the issues. And yes we did counseling beforehand. If I recall correctly, our center demanded both.

For our son born from IVF, we were very candid at a young age that this is how he was born. This knowledge is now part of him and I cannot overstate the importance of this. When we took him to classes at our Catholic Church for first penance and communion, I was absolutely floored when the Church handed out a long list of suggested "sins" to both parents and kids that should be confessed. IVF was on the list. This did not escape my son's notice but it did not phase him in the slightest because he is comfortable and secure with who he is.

Our plan for the family donor was to tell the child at a very young age. IMO, the risk that the child could find out inadvertently is too high and it would not be good for a teenager or young adult to find out that auntie is the "real" mom. We also planned to talk to the child about genetics and what matters is not only which genes you have, but which ones are turned on or off and that this is environment dependent. So, it would not be true to say that auntie is the real mom, even on the genetic level. Your real mom is the one you emerged from, the one who created the blood flowing through your veins at birth and who created a loving home for you.

[Anonymous]

Does your sister have children? This seems fraught with issues in the future. I can understand why your partner isn’t on board, which also seems to be a significant issue.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a Lifetime movie in the making.
OP, seriously, do you need this? If you're game for donor eggs, getting an unrelated donor would be so much easier on everyone in your family.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP - yes my sister has 2 children and doesn't want to have additional kids. One of our hurdles is that I'm Indian and it's extremely difficult to find Indian egg donors. But I see that this could set us up for a complicated future. And if my husband can't warm up to the idea (using DE is hard enough to wrap our minds around) then that's a dealbreaker anyway because I don't want him to be uncomfortable. It seemed like an easy and less expensive solution, but it might be problematic in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can only answer this partly because although we have another child from IVF, the donor eggs from a family member were not successful. Yes, definitely get a legal agreement (good walls make good neighbors on something like this). The lawyer will walk you through the issues. And yes we did counseling beforehand. If I recall correctly, our center demanded both.

For our son born from IVF, we were very candid at a young age that this is how he was born. This knowledge is now part of him and I cannot overstate the importance of this. When we took him to classes at our Catholic Church for first penance and communion, I was absolutely floored when the Church handed out a long list of suggested "sins" to both parents and kids that should be confessed. IVF was on the list. This did not escape my son's notice but it did not phase him in the slightest because he is comfortable and secure with who he is.

Our plan for the family donor was to tell the child at a very young age. IMO, the risk that the child could find out inadvertently is too high and it would not be good for a teenager or young adult to find out that auntie is the "real" mom. We also planned to talk to the child about genetics and what matters is not only which genes you have, but which ones are turned on or off and that this is environment dependent. So, it would not be true to say that auntie is the real mom, even on the genetic level. Your real mom is the one you emerged from, the one who created the blood flowing through your veins at birth and who created a loving home for you.

I may have forgotten my biology, but mother and fetus blood do not mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister has offered to donate her eggs to us since IVF with my own eggs hasn't worked yet. Would love any advice from those who have used eggs from a relative or friend. Did you run into any unexpected problems? Did you tell your child who the donor was? Did you sign any kind of agreement with your relative/friend? Did you all talk to a counselor together to prepare? I assume insurance won't cover this even though it covers my own IVF. What can I do to make things as easy as possible for her? How did your husband/partner handle it (mine is still not comfortable with it). No one has ever offered such a precious gift to us before and I am floored.

Yes use your sister’s egg. You have the same genetic matter along. I have a friend who did this. All are fine. I am trying to use my brother’s sperm (I have no sister) and am worried about DH response to the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister has offered to donate her eggs to us since IVF with my own eggs hasn't worked yet. Would love any advice from those who have used eggs from a relative or friend. Did you run into any unexpected problems? Did you tell your child who the donor was? Did you sign any kind of agreement with your relative/friend? Did you all talk to a counselor together to prepare? I assume insurance won't cover this even though it covers my own IVF. What can I do to make things as easy as possible for her? How did your husband/partner handle it (mine is still not comfortable with it). No one has ever offered such a precious gift to us before and I am floored.

Yes use your sister’s egg. You have the same genetic matter along. I have a friend who did this. All are fine. I am trying to use my brother’s sperm (I have no sister) and am worried about DH response to the idea.

—— PP, forgive me here, but if you want to use your brother’s sperm to conceive, isn’t that medically permitting inbreeding? You could run into a host of genetic issues as could future children of any conceived children in this process.

[Anonymous]

There are counselors who work through scenarios like this. It certainly seems worth consideration! That is a beautiful offer. Thinking about it from the child’s perspective, he/she would know their genetic information and family fully. It also gives you a genetic connection to the baby. Of course you can be a mother without a genetic connection, but it is a factor. Perhaps, after some time and conversation guided by a professional, your husband may feel differently. If not, then of course, his feelings are essential. It is worth sitting with it and working through it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister has offered to donate her eggs to us since IVF with my own eggs hasn't worked yet. Would love any advice from those who have used eggs from a relative or friend. Did you run into any unexpected problems? Did you tell your child who the donor was? Did you sign any kind of agreement with your relative/friend? Did you all talk to a counselor together to prepare? I assume insurance won't cover this even though it covers my own IVF. What can I do to make things as easy as possible for her? How did your husband/partner handle it (mine is still not comfortable with it). No one has ever offered such a precious gift to us before and I am floored.

Yes use your sister’s egg. You have the same genetic matter along. I have a friend who did this. All are fine. I am trying to use my brother’s sperm (I have no sister) and am worried about DH response to the idea.

—— PP, forgive me here, but if you want to use your brother’s sperm to conceive, isn’t that medically permitting inbreeding? You could run into a host of genetic issues as could future children of any conceived children in this process.

No. It would be a donor egg. Same as using sister’s egg and husband or donor sperm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My younger sister has offered to donate her eggs to us since IVF with my own eggs hasn't worked yet. Would love any advice from those who have used eggs from a relative or friend. Did you run into any unexpected problems? Did you tell your child who the donor was? Did you sign any kind of agreement with your relative/friend? Did you all talk to a counselor together to prepare? I assume insurance won't cover this even though it covers my own IVF. What can I do to make things as easy as possible for her? How did your husband/partner handle it (mine is still not comfortable with it). No one has ever offered such a precious gift to us before and I am floored.

Yes use your sister’s egg. You have the same genetic matter along. I have a friend who did this. All are fine. I am trying to use my brother’s sperm (I have no sister) and am worried about DH response to the idea.

—— PP, forgive me here, but if you want to use your brother’s sperm to conceive, isn’t that medically permitting inbreeding? You could run into a host of genetic issues as could future children of any conceived children in this process.

No. It would be a donor egg. Same as using sister’s egg and husband or donor sperm.

You want to fertilize a donor egg with your brother’s sperm over your husband’s?!?