Almost 6 year old mean to siblings

[Anonymous]

DD1 is 5.5 years old and can be so mean to her siblings who look up and adore her. She has a 4 year old sister and a 9 month old brother. She is generally nice to her brother who can't talk back to her yet but is rarely nice to her sister. DD2 idolizes her sister and tries to do everything she does. She is also very nice to her sister even when DD1 is being mean to her. DD2 will says she is sorry back and that she loves her sister and its okay.

I feel bad but I end up yelling at DD1 when she is mean to her siblings. We try to give them all individual attention, cuddle, read, do activities with them. But I just cannot tolerate it when DD1 is rude, snarky and downright mean to her siblings. It drives me over the edge. Any advice on what to do? DD1 has a lot of "big emotions" and is trying to learn how to control them. She has been doing a lot better over the past year but sometimes the "big emotions" take over and there is no reasoning with her.

[Anonymous]

Siblings without Rivalry, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings without Rivalry, stat.

OP here - I have read it! I have tried a lot of the techniques which have helped but its still an ongoing issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Siblings without Rivalry, stat.

OP here - I have read it! I have tried a lot of the techniques which have helped but its still an ongoing issue.

You need a parenting class.

This is extreme, but her “big emotions” can quickly become abusive to her siblings.. I would send her to her room to deal - her siblings don’t have to deal with her drama.

[Anonymous]

What are some examples of how she is being mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are some examples of how she is being mean?

OP here - examples of DD1 being mean:

1) This morning girls woke up at the same time and DD2 asked DD1 to wait for her and go downstairs together. DD1 ignored DD2 and ran out the room and slammed the door while DD2 cried
2) DD1 yells at DD2 when DD2 won't play exactly what she wants to play
3) DD2 tries to play with DD1's Barbie's and DD1 yells and snatches them away

DD1 also just has an attitude with her voice whenever she has to talk with DD2. DD2 genuinely loves her sister and wants to hug her when she is feeling sad and DD1 always repeals DD2 and says she doesn't like being hugged. I try to give her physical autonomy and tell DD2 that DD1 doesn't want to be hugged but it does make me feel sad.

Mostly its DD1 being mean to DD2. DD1 is rarely mean to DS.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I let the older sibling take care of the younger sibling. Like, I'll say, hey Larlo can you show your little sister how to kick the ball into the net; hey Larlo can you make sure your little sister drinks all her milk. He loves being the big brother and showing her how to do things. And she loves the attention.

[Anonymous]

I would give her some leadership roles in the house and also some privileges that come with age, but I would stop the privilege if she isn’t acting like a big kid. I would look for some books about siblings to read with her. Picture books. I would have her draw and write about how she feels when interacting with her sister. I’d also encourage them both to put their feelings into words, and to listen to the other point of view. I’d pop any kid that was mean into a living room chair and set the timer for ten minutes, and the toy would be put away for thirty minutes. She needs to learn empathy, which is very hard at this age, and to be supported while learning to recognize, anticipate, and manage her feelings. And she might need a break from little sister. Maybe a video call with a same-age friend? Little sister is the easiest outlet for all the feelings now, and we all have to remember the stress that the pandemic is having on all kids..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some examples of how she is being mean?

OP here - examples of DD1 being mean:

1) This morning girls woke up at the same time and DD2 asked DD1 to wait for her and go downstairs together. DD1 ignored DD2 and ran out the room and slammed the door while DD2 cried
2) DD1 yells at DD2 when DD2 won't play exactly what she wants to play
3) DD2 tries to play with DD1's Barbie's and DD1 yells and snatches them away

DD1 also just has an attitude with her voice whenever she has to talk with DD2. DD2 genuinely loves her sister and wants to hug her when she is feeling sad and DD1 always repeals DD2 and says she doesn't like being hugged. I try to give her physical autonomy and tell DD2 that DD1 doesn't want to be hugged but it does make me feel sad.

Mostly its DD1 being mean to DD2. DD1 is rarely mean to DS.

How much individual time and space does D1 have? Has being a good big sister role been foisted on her? Maybe she's feeling pressure on that front and it's a role she's not interested in or maybe needs more space/independence from DD2.

For the examples you gave I think you need to work on DD1's communication more than anything. Big emotions are fine but she can't yell and slam doors.
1) D1 didn't have to wait on D2 and isn't responsible for how D2 feels but cannot slam doors. That's the only part I would have said anything about, except working with D2 on her feelings.
2) Tell both girls they are in charge of their bodies only and if D2 doesn't want to play she doesn't have to. If D1 wants D2 to play, she needs to work with D2 to figure out a way they're both happy (revisit Siblings without Rivalry for this) and if not, play alone. I would tackle the yelling. Coach her on how to handle her emotions and how to calm down if she can't.
3) If the doll belongs to DD1, she shouldn't have to share it. If it's a shared toy, she does and has to wait her turn. We have a few things we allow ownership over, but most are not.

Sorry, it's hard especially being home and together so much but all of this sounds normal. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some examples of how she is being mean?

OP here - examples of DD1 being mean:

1) This morning girls woke up at the same time and DD2 asked DD1 to wait for her and go downstairs together. DD1 ignored DD2 and ran out the room and slammed the door while DD2 cried
2) DD1 yells at DD2 when DD2 won't play exactly what she wants to play
3) DD2 tries to play with DD1's Barbie's and DD1 yells and snatches them away

DD1 also just has an attitude with her voice whenever she has to talk with DD2. DD2 genuinely loves her sister and wants to hug her when she is feeling sad and DD1 always repeals DD2 and says she doesn't like being hugged. I try to give her physical autonomy and tell DD2 that DD1 doesn't want to be hugged but it does make me feel sad.

Mostly its DD1 being mean to DD2. DD1 is rarely mean to DS.

How much individual time and space does D1 have? Has being a good big sister role been foisted on her? Maybe she's feeling pressure on that front and it's a role she's not interested in or maybe needs more space/independence from DD2.

For the examples you gave I think you need to work on DD1's communication more than anything. Big emotions are fine but she can't yell and slam doors.
1) D1 didn't have to wait on D2 and isn't responsible for how D2 feels but cannot slam doors. That's the only part I would have said anything about, except working with D2 on her feelings.
2) Tell both girls they are in charge of their bodies only and if D2 doesn't want to play she doesn't have to. If D1 wants D2 to play, she needs to work with D2 to figure out a way they're both happy (revisit Siblings without Rivalry for this) and if not, play alone. I would tackle the yelling. Coach her on how to handle her emotions and how to calm down if she can't.
3) If the doll belongs to DD1, she shouldn't have to share it. If it's a shared toy, she does and has to wait her turn. We have a few things we allow ownership over, but most are not.

Sorry, it's hard especially being home and together so much but all of this sounds normal. Good luck, OP.

I agree with all of this, and I would also provide corrective language. "You can say, no thank you". "Can you practice a soft voice?" I would also try to make sure DD1 is given some 1:1 time while also balancing giving DD2 attention when DD1 is mean. If DD1 turns down playing with her younger sister, you can offer to play with DD2. She might want to join in, but if not, its okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some examples of how she is being mean?

OP here - examples of DD1 being mean:

1) This morning girls woke up at the same time and DD2 asked DD1 to wait for her and go downstairs together. DD1 ignored DD2 and ran out the room and slammed the door while DD2 cried
2) DD1 yells at DD2 when DD2 won't play exactly what she wants to play
3) DD2 tries to play with DD1's Barbie's and DD1 yells and snatches them away

DD1 also just has an attitude with her voice whenever she has to talk with DD2. DD2 genuinely loves her sister and wants to hug her when she is feeling sad and DD1 always repeals DD2 and says she doesn't like being hugged. I try to give her physical autonomy and tell DD2 that DD1 doesn't want to be hugged but it does make me feel sad.

Mostly its DD1 being mean to DD2. DD1 is rarely mean to DS.

Ok...so this isn’t what you described in your initial post. Your DD2 sounds a bit clingy, and perhaps your DD1 doesn’t know how to deal with it nicely, and it’s manifesting as her being mean. It sounds like you identify more with DD2, and you aren’t parenting the kids you have - one clingy child and one who doesn’t want to be bothered/is more independent.

Put very simply, DD1 is just emotionally tired of dealing with DD2. DD2 started in upon waking. Sure it seems minor, but if DD1 is tired of dealing with her, the moment she opened her eyes, your DD2 wanted something. It’s like your DD1 never gets a break from her sister, and the pandemic is probably making it worse. How much time does DD1 get to herself? If she goes to do something solo, what happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some examples of how she is being mean?

OP here - examples of DD1 being mean:

1) This morning girls woke up at the same time and DD2 asked DD1 to wait for her and go downstairs together. DD1 ignored DD2 and ran out the room and slammed the door while DD2 cried
2) DD1 yells at DD2 when DD2 won't play exactly what she wants to play
3) DD2 tries to play with DD1's Barbie's and DD1 yells and snatches them away

DD1 also just has an attitude with her voice whenever she has to talk with DD2. DD2 genuinely loves her sister and wants to hug her when she is feeling sad and DD1 always repeals DD2 and says she doesn't like being hugged. I try to give her physical autonomy and tell DD2 that DD1 doesn't want to be hugged but it does make me feel sad.

Mostly its DD1 being mean to DD2. DD1 is rarely mean to DS.

How much individual time and space does D1 have? Has being a good big sister role been foisted on her? Maybe she's feeling pressure on that front and it's a role she's not interested in or maybe needs more space/independence from DD2.

For the examples you gave I think you need to work on DD1's communication more than anything. Big emotions are fine but she can't yell and slam doors.
1) D1 didn't have to wait on D2 and isn't responsible for how D2 feels but cannot slam doors. That's the only part I would have said anything about, except working with D2 on her feelings.
2) Tell both girls they are in charge of their bodies only and if D2 doesn't want to play she doesn't have to. If D1 wants D2 to play, she needs to work with D2 to figure out a way they're both happy (revisit Siblings without Rivalry for this) and if not, play alone. I would tackle the yelling. Coach her on how to handle her emotions and how to calm down if she can't.
3) If the doll belongs to DD1, she shouldn't have to share it. If it's a shared toy, she does and has to wait her turn. We have a few things we allow ownership over, but most are not.

Sorry, it's hard especially being home and together so much but all of this sounds normal. Good luck, OP.

Pretty much, this I would add that DD! can't exact DD2 to share with her either that's part of the deal.


But really OP, I sense some favoritism from you towards your 2nd daughter and I bet DD! pick up on it too, you also have unrealistic expectations of a 5.5 year old, she's a 1.5 years older than her sister not really a huge diffeerence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3) DD2 tries to play with DD1's Barbie's and DD1 yells and snatches them away

Are they playing together when DD2 wants the Barbies, or not? DD1 should be allowed to play alone with her Barbies, but if they are playing together, there has to be some sort of sharing, whether it's letting DD2 play with one of the dolls, or DD2 having a special doll of her own or something. If this comes up when DD1 isn't playing, then the solution might be a special storage space where DD1 can keep special things.

[Anonymous]

Your older daughter needs time and space to herself. She's not your babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your older daughter needs time and space to herself. She's not your babysitter.

+1 and what do you define as 1-1 time. She also needs a time out or consequence instead of being yelled at.