Advice- 5 yr old shuts down

[Anonymous]

Hi- my 5 yr old Kindergarten son has a very hot and cold personality. He will be playing with friends at a park and one thing happens to turn him off or upset him and he completely shuts down- walks away with his head down and refuses to play any further. Every single time I end up chasing him around the park while he tries to hide behind a tree or proclaim thay he wants to be alone. Im having such a hard time dealing with him in these situations. I think its a combo of personality, social skills issue and lack of confidence- but I dont know. Any advice?!

[Anonymous]

Why are you chasing him around when he is seeking alone time to process and pull himself together. Maybe the duration of his puling away will shorten if you respect his need to pull away for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Advice? He says leave him alone, so leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes when my five year old shuts down he doesn’t want to talk about it but he does want a hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you chasing him around when he is seeking alone time to process and pull himself together. Maybe the duration of his puling away will shorten if you respect his need to pull away for a bit.

Good point. But Ive seen before he will just stand there alone the rest of the time. Or walk really far away where I cant see him. For the first time ever, I saw him physically pushing kids away so I had to intervene on that.

[Anonymous]

My now 9yo used to do this. Often it was because she thought she might cry and didn’t want anyone to see her. It was best to just leave her alone for a few minutes to gather herself.

She has mostly grown out of it.

[Anonymous]

Normal for the age. My now 7 year old did this 2
Too at 5

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My now 9yo used to do this. Often it was because she thought she might cry and didn’t want anyone to see her. It was best to just leave her alone for a few minutes to gather herself.

She has mostly grown out of it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Stop making it a thing. He could be flailing and shouting insults but instead he walks away. I am trying desperately to teach one of my kids to do that!

I would help him with language when he wants to re-engage - like how to say to his friends “I feel calmer now can we play that game again” or something. But let him walk it off!

[Anonymous]

I would talk to him about it when he is calm and say that you have noticed that he sometimes does this. Don't say it in an accusing manner. Then tell him you can only see what he does, and not how he is thinking and feeling, so can he tell you a little more about it. Then, make a plan with him that you will leave him alone if he asks for that, but that he cannot leave the area or your sight. If he does that, he is really wanting you to come after him. He likely doesn't know what he wants in that moment, but he doesn't know how to get what he wants. Then practice some words with him about how to tell his friends that he needs a break and how to re-enter the play. He is probably embarrassed to come back, or doesn't know how. This is a developmental phase, and he just needs help monitoring his feelings and managing them. I would tell him that it is good that he knows that he needs a break, and tell him that adults take breaks all the time, like going to get a cup of coffee at work when you're stressed. This is a something to teach him, just like when you taught him to brush his teeth. Just try not to be accusatory. He is allowed to have his own feelings, so just listen to them, and reframe if necessary, and teach him how to cope appropriately, and sometimes he just needs a hug and not a lot of talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him about it when he is calm and say that you have noticed that he sometimes does this. Don't say it in an accusing manner. Then tell him you can only see what he does, and not how he is thinking and feeling, so can he tell you a little more about it. Then, make a plan with him that you will leave him alone if he asks for that, but that he cannot leave the area or your sight. If he does that, he is really wanting you to come after him. He likely doesn't know what he wants in that moment, but he doesn't know how to get what he wants. Then practice some words with him about how to tell his friends that he needs a break and how to re-enter the play. He is probably embarrassed to come back, or doesn't know how. This is a developmental phase, and he just needs help monitoring his feelings and managing them. I would tell him that it is good that he knows that he needs a break, and tell him that adults take breaks all the time, like going to get a cup of coffee at work when you're stressed. This is a something to teach him, just like when you taught him to brush his teeth. Just try not to be accusatory. He is allowed to have his own feelings, so just listen to them, and reframe if necessary, and teach him how to cope appropriately, and sometimes he just needs a hug and not a lot of talk.

I’ll offer an alternate version of this for kids that don’t like direct feeling talk (your kid might be one?) - bring it up as a story from your childhood when you are doing something neutral (making lunch, walking the dog). “Hm I was just thinking about how sometimes when I was a kid I just wanted to be alone at the park.” Then be super casual and let them come to you “huh I wonder why I did that? (Shrug/keeping making lunch)”

This gets my DD to open up every time. She wants to know more and then I invite her to talk about the hypothetical. She will add in things like “well maybe you just wanted to calm down because you were upset” or “maybe you could tell them they hurt your feelings”’or whatever.

[Anonymous]

My kid isn’t exactly like yours, but she does go off on her own when she’s upset (as do I, so I totally understand it). I try to be as supportive as possible. I’ll ask if she wants to leave and give her the space she needs.

If he’s pushing kids away, they need to learn to leave him alone. You can very kindly tell them he wants some alone time and redirect them to something else. “Larlo wants to be alone right now, let’s go over here. Do you ever like to be alone? When do you like to be alone?” etc. Try to get to them before the pushing starts, because it’s not really fair to punish him when other people aren’t respecting his boundaries and he’s communicating the only way he knows how.

If he’s running too far away, tell him kindly that you support him in being alone, but he can’t go past the end of the playground (or wherever - just make it very clear where he can’t go, instead of something like “stay where I can see you”. He has no idea what you can and can’t see). You can also give him a specific area to go - “let’s set you up under this tree and you can be alone here. I’ll keep the other kids away from you”.

My kid needs time to process things before talking about it (I’m the same way), so we talk when she’s ready to. Often she’ll bring it up hours later or the next day and we identify her feelings, I’ll tell her about a time I felt the same way, I listen, and sometimes we’ll come up with ways to handle it next time. Sometimes she just needs to vent and know someone is on her team, and that’s okay, we don’t always need to solve the problem.

We’ve used the book and the game The Color Monster, which helps. The game is pretty awesome because it’s about identifying feelings and is cooperative, not competitive. We also watch the movie Inside Out so we have colors for all the feelings. I have other books I can recommend if you’re interested.

[Anonymous]

If I can piggyback for a minute - but are five year olds just difficult? Mine is just so defiant, so contrary, and not sure if a boy thing.. but he won’t hug me anymore! I also have a toddler.. and she is just so sweet. I feel like I’m going through a teenager phase with him.. few years early. It’s exhausting.