Reply to Advice- 5 yr old shuts down

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would talk to him about it when he is calm and say that you have noticed that he sometimes does this. Don't say it in an accusing manner.  Then tell him you can only see what he does, and not how he is thinking and feeling, so can he tell you a little more about it. Then, make a plan with him that you will leave him alone if he asks for that, but that he cannot leave the area or your sight. If he does that, he is really wanting you to come after him. He likely doesn't know what he wants in that moment, but he doesn't know how to get what he wants. Then practice some words with him about how to tell his friends that he needs a break and how to re-enter the play. He is probably embarrassed to come back, or doesn't know how. This is a developmental phase, and he just needs help monitoring his feelings and managing them. I would tell him that it is good that he knows that he needs a break, and tell him that adults take breaks all the time, like going to get a cup of coffee at work when you're stressed. This is a something to teach him, just like when you taught him to brush his teeth. Just try not to be accusatory. He is allowed to have his own feelings, so just listen to them, and reframe if necessary, and teach him how to cope appropriately, and sometimes he just needs a hug and not a lot of talk. [/quote]

I’ll offer an alternate version of this for kids that don’t like direct feeling talk (your kid might be one?) - bring it up as a story from your childhood when you are doing something neutral (making lunch, walking the dog). “Hm I was just thinking about how sometimes when I was a kid I just wanted to be alone at the park.” Then be super casual and let them come to you “huh I wonder why I did that? (Shrug/keeping making lunch)”

This gets my DD to open up every time. She wants to know more and then I invite her to talk about the hypothetical. She will add in things like “well maybe you just wanted to calm down because you were upset” or “maybe you could tell them they hurt your feelings”’or whatever. [/quote]

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