Feeling really sorry for my kid -- how to handle

[Anonymous]

My fourth-grader is self-confident and outgoing. That's the great part. But this year, he's had several bad breaks. I don't know what to do or how to ensure this isn't a pattern. He has two best friends, which will be applicable shortly...
He is dyslexic, and his learning plan (IEP) pulls him out of class during his favorite part -- morning meeting. Kids share fun stories et cetera, and he misses it. I'm trying to work with the teacher to fix this, but not a ton of traction yet. It's remote learning, and the reading teacher has a large slate of kids to see without tons of flexibility.

His two best friends are in his class, are not dyslexic, and do not get pulled out. This year, my son has begun to notice it and ask why he has to miss class while they do not. He knows he's dyslexic, but I think it's suddenly hitting him that it will actually make him a bit "different" from his pals who don't get pulled. I told him he was just as smart as them, etc, but he said, "I'm not smart, I'm dyslexic." It broke my heart. He is usually very secure in himself, but this is bothering him.

However, sports were always a great outlet. And now...the three friends tried out for fall soccer. Two best friends made it. He got cut.

The same three friends tried out for spring baseball. Same thing happened. They made it. He got cut.

Last year, they all took skiing together. My son had a really hard time on the hills and they picked it up in an instant and whizzed past him. He had fun, falling and laughing, but at one point the kids really wanted to go on tougher hills and felt bad because my son, their pal, could not.

At this point, I'm beginning to feel really sorry for my son and angry, and, yes, jealous of these families. I am close with the parents and love them. I''m not angry with them, but I'm wondering why my son is getting short shrift and why things are so hard. Dyslexia is one thing, being cut from two teams while his two best friends make it is harder, or feeling left behind or less than.

I'd really love some advice from people who've been there.

My husband and I are keeping tight-lipped and even-keeled for him, saying nothing, projecting no anxiety or worry. Inside, I'm really hurting for him -- and a bit for me, because I hate to see this happening for him.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I'm so sorry. It's tough to see your kid struggling. I get it. Every one of those things feels so momentous, too, when they're this age! Maybe he could try a new sport that his two buds don't play? Also, I will say, my kids have grown at different times in sports. So some years they weren't very good compared with their peers, and some years they were great. So I hope he doesn't give up!

Have you read Fish in a Tree? It's about a girl with dyslexia. Very well written and compassionate - may help with his bad feelings about the dyslexia, at least. We listened to it as an audiobook as a family.

Most of all, hugs to you. Because being a parent when your kids are getting knocked down is TOUGH. But

[Anonymous]

OP, that is so hard.

I would be adamant that your son be able to attend morning meeting. It's one of the few times that the class is "all together" and a way for them to bond.

[Anonymous]

You might find some good support on the Kids with Special Needs board. I'm sorry it's feeling especially hard right now. We have experienced some of this with our child, and a lot of it right around that age. It's when skills (academic, physical) can start to differentiate and your son may start to notice his difference more and more. You will need to work to find activities and places where he can succeed and it may not be in the same team sports as his friends. My kid turned out to be a decent climber, so we do that with friends and it's something where she can hold her own in a peer group.

The friends sound like they're still including him though which is really the most important thing. Find new ways to facilitate that friendship focused on activities where he can feel like an equal. He will also continue to develop new interests as he gets older and give those lots of support; they will turn into things he can share with friends.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my kid, too, best friends made the team and he didn’t. I try to tell myself that these disappointments help them build resiliency; difficult as they are when happening.

I agree with the advice to see if he will try something new that the other kids aren’t doing so he can find a place to shine and maybe make additional friends. He can still see the other kids for other activities.

Sorry, OP; sometimes these things are harder on us than them! He sounds like a fantastic kid.

[Anonymous]

No advice except that trio’s tend to make friendships complicated. Someone always winds up left out somehow or another. How the cookie crumbles.

[SRMIII]

Re: the pull out piece. Sounds like because of other issues, the social part of the school day is especially important, submit a written request to amend the IEP so he is not pulled out during class social times. It's fine to get support, etc, for other challenges with his dyslexia, BUT he needs to have those positive points. As a SN parent, I think 4th grade was for us the start of when things got really, really hard precisely because of the social aspect with peers.

I remember some conference speaker who spoke about "islands of strength" or something, and how you want to identify those, and expand them, and link them, to give the child the strongest possible footing in his life.

[Anonymous]

I agree on figuring out how to get him back in morning meeting.
Also nurture more friendships, more sports/activities, etc.
one way I lucked out as a kid is I had neighborhood friends, school friends, church friends, ballet friends, and friends that were kids of my parents’ friends. I just learned to get along and have fun with anyone. I wasn’t particularly popular but was resilient and didn’t get my feelings hurt too much if, say, I didn’t get cast in the school play and my other school friends did, because I just added a ballet class and saw those friends more.
Also, I showed my kid the beginning of the Dyslexia Empowerment Plan where the obvs brilliant author shows his unedited writing and it is a great illustration of how dyslexia isn’t intellect or potential.
I get the jealousy. That’s human. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Find no cut teams or rec teams. Please of sports he can do and it doesn't have to just be the competitive ones.

Get a tutor for the dyslexia.

4th is a really hard age where kids notice the differences. Find other outlets for him.

[Anonymous]

I disagree about morning meeting. Just another point of here to consider: you want him to get the attention and intervention he needs.

I would also see if he wants coaching or clinics in one of the sports in which he got cut to see if he can improve his skills if that's important to him. You want to build up his confidence where you realistically can. I'd sign him up for no cut teams so he gets to be on a team and have those experiences.

Three is a very tough number. I would definitely see how you can help him find additional friends, by trying some new activities. Identify his strengths and try to get him some individualized attention to help him enjoy success in some new areas.

[Anonymous]

You should definitely be posting this in Kids with Special Needs.

[Anonymous]

Re: "I'm not smart--I'm dyslexic". I think that is also the age where kids are beginning to see themselves in terms of social categories (for lack of a better term). They're trying to figure out why things are different for different people, including themselves. They sort of think the world is arranged somehow, resulting in where they find themselves. Part of trying to understand the why, especially if they find themselves pushed to the side in any way. Learning otherwise is not accomplished in one conversation with your child, it's a long process, longer for some than others. That's another reason it's important to help them find the places where they don't feel that way. With the friends, other activities maybe when they get together?

[Anonymous]

I think you are feeling jealous because you view life as a competition. But that's not how it is. Your son has friends who like him and care about him, if they felt bad that he couldn't keep up with skiing.

My son has ADHD, anxiety, and depression. He's pretty charming, but also sort of a wreck. On the one hand, it's tough that some of his friends don't have to deal with what he does. On the other hand, he has some things they don't. He's very affable, and people like him.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your son is doing very well for himself socially. I think the best thing you can do is to support him if he wants it in those sports and do clinics or a private coach and agree with PP, to encourage other activities and friendships too. It sounds like he had a great personality and will thrive in many environments. Try individual sports or a few other activities other peers are doing.

[Anonymous]

These are very important lessons for kids—everyone is different, you may have struggles different than others, but they’ll struggle with something else....maybe not now but in the future. Also—kids get cut from sports all the time...a good lesson on practicing more (talk to him about Michael Jordan! He tried out for varsity basketball in HS and didn’t make it—then he worked hard to get on the team).

The best thing we can do for our kids when they have disappointments is to hug them, hear them out when they’re sad, don’t put down their feelings, but talk to them about how to bounce back, how to be resilient, how they’re not alone even if it seems like they are. Tell them stories of when things didn’t go well for you at their age and look at you now! Model patience and resilience for them. We can’t shield them from disappointment or when life is unfair, but we can set them up to handle it well.