So it's Valentine's Day and I don't think my husband is in love with me anymore

[Anonymous]

I feel really sad today, not really because it is Valentine's Day, but because for some time I think I have known that my husband is not in love with me. I think he cares for me, loves our children, needs me (I am a SAHM, he has a great job but travels a lot). He says really hurtful things on a routine basis. When I tell him that that hurt my feelings, and it wasn't funny (calmly) he says I don't have any sense of humor or I am too sensitive.

Here is a pretty minor example, but just happened so is fresh. We were going out, I have been sick and not looking my greatest, I was looking at catalog before leaving, and I said "Now, why can't I look like that woman?" -- one of the models, who had a really nice, fresh look to her. I don't go around saying things like this often. I know I am attractive, albeit getting older, and I am a pretty self confident person. He says "because you come from butter churners and you like butter" (context: I am Scandinavian with the larger leg build, he often calls me a butter churner, which he things is funny-- meaning "hearty stock") I say I don't think that's very funny or nice and and of course it leads to the your too sensitive comment. And truth be told, I am a sensitive person. I like that about myself. It makes me a better person, mother, and friend. I have told him before, that "yes I am sensitive, which is why when you say things like that knowing that I am sensitive it hurts even more"

I realize this is not abuse, but it just plain feels lousy. I love my kids, I love my husband, but he makes me feel bad. When we are with other couples, almost all "humor" is at my expense. He doesn't see it, even when I point it out. My friends, of course, don't say anything, but my family has (to me).

He won't do counseling, as he doesn't think he has a problem and it's all me. Trust me, I have tried under these issues and larger ones in the past.

I guess I am both venting and looking for some advice. Please be kind, as I said, I am sensitive

[Anonymous]

Could you go to a spa and start with a make over? It may make you feel better about yourself?

What about exercise? You can get cute and start walking or put in a dvd at home but either way get dressed for it like you're going to a big time gym.

[Anonymous]

OP- sorry you are having a crappy day.

To the PP- why should the OP have to make changes? Why should she get a makeover? The problem is not her.

[Anonymous]

i get that we would not term this abuse. but when you ask your spouse not to do something (repeatedly) and he continues to do it (repeatedly), that's a big problem. and it's not OK.

[Anonymous]

Maybe not abuse but lack of respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- sorry you are having a crappy day.

To the PP- why should the OP have to make changes? Why should she get a makeover? The problem is not her.

She's not going to change him? Why not make yourself feel better?

[Anonymous]

Sweet, sorry for my English no my first language but my suggestion is

Do not let nobody, NOBODY run your LIFE for you, life is too short
Put the best lotion, that you ever have if you do not have it buy one
Fell pretty you first and then other people will see you that way
Maybe get a job will help you now that I got out of my house i fell better
dress property everyday if no money for buy nice cloths at least use makeups, lipstick and go outside
have some friend that you can expend some time only with your friend


BABY do not stress LIFE IS SHORT and NO ONE, no one deserve your tears....



and you dont need hubby give some present the universe love you, your family, your childrens, hubby is just one.

[Anonymous]

I would feel the same as OP if my husband behavied so badly.

[Anonymous]

OP, men are very visual. Screw his comments. Put more of an effort into your appearance and not just for him. Start working out, take better care of your good looks. Turn yourself on, fall in love with you.

I'm sorry that he made that unkind remark to you. UGH!

[Anjelica]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad today, not really because it is Valentine's Day, but because for some time I think I have known that my husband is not in love with me. I think he cares for me, loves our children, needs me (I am a SAHM, he has a great job but travels a lot). He says really hurtful things on a routine basis. When I tell him that that hurt my feelings, and it wasn't funny (calmly) he says I don't have any sense of humor or I am too sensitive.

Here is a pretty minor example, but just happened so is fresh. We were going out, I have been sick and not looking my greatest, I was looking at catalog before leaving, and I said "Now, why can't I look like that woman?" -- one of the models, who had a really nice, fresh look to her. I don't go around saying things like this often. I know I am attractive, albeit getting older, and I am a pretty self confident person. He says "because you come from butter churners and you like butter" (context: I am Scandinavian with the larger leg build, he often calls me a butter churner, which he things is funny-- meaning "hearty stock") I say I don't think that's very funny or nice and and of course it leads to the your too sensitive comment. And truth be told, I am a sensitive person. I like that about myself. It makes me a better person, mother, and friend. I have told him before, that "yes I am sensitive, which is why when you say things like that knowing that I am sensitive it hurts even more"

I realize this is not abuse, but it just plain feels lousy. I love my kids, I love my husband, but he makes me feel bad. When we are with other couples, almost all "humor" is at my expense. He doesn't see it, even when I point it out. My friends, of course, don't say anything, but my family has (to me).

He won't do counseling, as he doesn't think he has a problem and it's all me. Trust me, I have tried under these issues and larger ones in the past.

I guess I am both venting and looking for some advice. Please be kind, as I said, I am sensitive

Sorry, OP, but that is definitely verbal/emotional abuse.

I'll be harsh, but I think it's the only option at this point:

- Exercise for yourself - not for his pleasure. If you want to remain strong for your kids, start working on yourself. And if that means being a bit selfish, so be it!

- If he refuses to attend counseling, then go yourself. (You can't save him, but you can save yourself and your children.) Counseling will help you identify patterns to his behavior and will allow you to explore why you allow his behavior to continue. And obviously since your family has said things, they, too, see his destructive patterns.

- Think about your kids and their mental health. Controlling relationships are harmful to children. Staying at home is wonderful if you're in a 50-50 relationship, but when a partner is domineering and abusive, you're trapped. I'd suggest finding a way out. Start looking at jobs at this point. And if you've got money of your own, keep it to yourself!

Comments like the ones above are insidious. They may seem innocuous at first, but if they continue, they become destructive and can chip away at a person's self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it's St. Valentine's Day, but is this first time you really paused and reflected on the fact that he's no longer in love with you? I just reread your post. Your husband seems to be getting off on humiliating you. It sounds like he's done quite a job on your head as he's making these remarks out in public. He's quite confident that you're under control and will take it. What is your reaction to his public insults? My ex-husband use to do this to me when talking to his friends and family members over the phone. I would overhear his comments, it felt like he was tearing my insides up.

I agree, you need to drag him into counseling and if he won't go you go to start the work of rebuilding your self esteem. Start exercising HARD, it will clear out your head and make you feel so much better about yourself. You'll start visualizing a better life for you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this happened to you. Your husband sounds like an ass. How did you respond when he said those things? Next time he makes a degrading comment like that, don't tell him it hurts you, you're sensitive, whatever. Just say, "wow, that was a really unkind thing to say." The end. Don't get emotional or explain why it's hurtful to you -- that's just candy for people who get off on putting other people down. Call him on these derisive comments and make him accountable.

I agree w/the PP who recommended counseling for both of you (or just you if he won't go) and exercise, or something else that will help you rebuild your self esteem.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how to remedy this, but if you can, don't let him make those remarks in front of your kids. They will pick up on it and think it is OK to speak to others that way. I agree with one of the PPs that said perhaps you should go to counseling alone if he won't go.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think it's emotional abuse. You asked a question and he answered it. Ask yourself this: was there *any way* he could have answered this question that would prove to you your husband loves you? If not, you are probably just in a rut.

My husband and I are in the same spot. We've been together for almost 20 years and neither if us can do anything right when it comes to the other one. I think we're just tired of extending the energy it takes to make a relationship great and settling for okay. I am looking forward to spring when everyone's moods are a little lighter and putting more energy back into making our relationship great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really sad today, not really because it is Valentine's Day, but because for some time I think I have known that my husband is not in love with me. I think he cares for me, loves our children, needs me (I am a SAHM, he has a great job but travels a lot). He says really hurtful things on a routine basis. When I tell him that that hurt my feelings, and it wasn't funny (calmly) he says I don't have any sense of humor or I am too sensitive.

This is a hard situation. When I was dating, my now husband, then boyfriend used to "joke" like that. Not so much about looks, but the subtle put downs about intelligence and really nitpicked everything. I'm so happy one of my best friends had the courage to say to me "I don't really like the way he talks to you" when I asked the typical "what do you think of my new boyfriend" It made me take a closer look at behavior that did make me uncomfortable and I asked my sister and she confirmed the same thing. I thought to myself, is this something I can put up with for the next 20 years of my life. The answer was no. It didn't matter how wonderful he was, that behavior would wear down the relationship and it wasn't the example I would want to set for any future children. At the end of the day, I didn't want to be in a relationship where I would say "he was a jerk, he talked down to me .... but I have to own that X% of the failure of the relationship because I let him do that for all these years" So we had that talk where I laid it out there. I told him that I wasn't trying to change him - but the bottom line was this was a dealbreaker for me. My thing was I am not one of the guys - and I'm not sure if this is maybe how guys communicate with each other - but for me it wasn't going to work. He got silent and it took awhile. I won't say it was night and day, and there was some "oh should I be concerned about saying this" but the situation did change. He realized it was important enough to me and if he wanted to be with me, the communication had to improve.

For the OP - you have to decide what you want to do. If you feel like you can't continue to live with this, would you be prepared to end the relationship? I agree with another poster that said you have to call him on his behaviour in the sense - if you have asked him not to make these types of comments and yet he still does - you can ask why if he knows you are sensitive and don't find it funny does he continue to do it. How is it funny and a joke if only one person in the couple finds it funny? Last thing is I think other people picked up on a hint of self-image issues. I think that is why people were suggesting exercising and making sure you feel good about how you look. You can't depend on your husband to say "you still have it" etc. so that makes it even more important that you feel that way about yourself.