So it's Valentine's Day and I don't think my husband is in love with me anymore

[Anonymous]

I can't say whether he loves you, but it's pretty clear that he is an ass. You are being overly generous when you write that he cares for you. We don't belittle people we care for.

OP, you two need to get into counseling together, and you also need to get in for yourself, because it's time for you to figure out whether you can live with this forever and if not, when you're getting out.

As another prior poster said, this will require big life changes.

But it's time to start the process of deciding what to do with your life. It's unlikely that this mean guy is going to change whether you look like that model or not.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thanks everyone. I don't really know what to do with these feelings anymore. I do fantasize about leaving, but feel so sad about that. Especially for my kids. Would someone have a recommendation for a counselor? I live in Bethesda. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, when people lash out at others, there are many different methods. It could be a stranger on the street, it could be the a**hole you live with. No matter, *they feel bad about themselves and it has nothing to do with you.*

You are just convenient. Don't be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. OP, when people lash out at others, there are many different methods. It could be a stranger on the street, it could be the a**hole you live with. No matter, *they feel bad about themselves and it has nothing to do with you.*

You are just convenient. Don't be.

I agree with this. (OP here). But how do you "not be convenient?" I am here almost all of the time. . .also, to him he is not lashing out, he is "having fun" or whatever. He does not see it as anger or even mean. There is more background here (isn't there always?). I had postpartum depression after my children's births. It was horrible. He mocked me and would get mad at me, but so wasn't there for me. I never got treated, but I should have. I am raw and angry from those periods. There was a brief time then when I was suicidal. He literally punched me. When I would cry, he would get angry.

I also have a sick parent, who is likely to die this year. My husband cannot handle any emotion outside a very narrow band. For example, if you are happy and silly and singing funny songs with the kids, he would mock me for that or look really pained. Oh dear, I think I am realizing some things I may not be ready for. Thanks again everyone for letting me use this forum to get some of this out. I realize the next step is a good counselor for me. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Clarification. I am not suicidal, this was a postpartum thing as part of the depression. Again, never treated for. I am really opposed to drugs. May have to re-evaluate my stance, but I also refuse to accept that I am the problem (completely).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you go to a spa and start with a make over? It may make you feel better about yourself?

What about exercise? You can get cute and start walking or put in a dvd at home but either way get dressed for it like you're going to a big time gym.

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you go to a spa and start with a make over? It may make you feel better about yourself?

What about exercise? You can get cute and start walking or put in a dvd at home but either way get dressed for it like you're going to a big time gym.

How old are you?

No worries, PP. I didn't think she was being mean (OP here). I am in decent shape, am attractive, and while I am not currently working, I am educated and was good in my field. I may have some confidence issues (those last 10 pounds, turning 40, etc.) but nothing too major. Afraid wearing cute workout clothes and a spa day are not going to cut it

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. Depression is an illness and it was triggered by giving birth to his children. He punched you? I've known people who can't handle other people's negative emotions like depression or anger but he doesn't like it when you play and sing with the kids? I'm sure he hid all of this before you married. He sounds like a stunted bully. What he is doing is controlling, emotionally abusive and extremely hostile. I had a father just like him and trust me, he doesn't think it is "funny" nor does anyone else. I'm surprised that anyone socializes with you, people instinctively know to avoid this stuff. Find a really good counselor who has experience with abuse. I'd focus on getting out, and who you used to be. Don't rehash why you stayed at this point, it will just bring you down. Good luck, OP, you can do this. If not for yourself because your sons will grow up to be abusers and your daughters victims if you don't. Who wants to feel like they can't sing with their kids. Document as much as you can, it might help with custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. OP, when people lash out at others, there are many different methods. It could be a stranger on the street, it could be the a**hole you live with. No matter, *they feel bad about themselves and it has nothing to do with you.*

You are just convenient. Don't be.

I agree with this. (OP here). But how do you "not be convenient?" I am here almost all of the time. . .also, to him he is not lashing out, he is "having fun" or whatever. He does not see it as anger or even mean. There is more background here (isn't there always?). I had postpartum depression after my children's births. It was horrible. He mocked me and would get mad at me, but so wasn't there for me. I never got treated, but I should have. I am raw and angry from those periods. There was a brief time then when I was suicidal. He literally punched me. When I would cry, he would get angry.

I also have a sick parent, who is likely to die this year. My husband cannot handle any emotion outside a very narrow band. For example, if you are happy and silly and singing funny songs with the kids, he would mock me for that or look really pained. Oh dear, I think I am realizing some things I may not be ready for. Thanks again everyone for letting me use this forum to get some of this out. I realize the next step is a good counselor for me. Thanks again.

OP, this is abuse. No ambiguity here.

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Had some better sleep (kids have been sick) last night and am fresh this morning. I made an apt. with a therapist for me to talk through some of this stuff. I don't really want to talk to friends about it.

I want to be clear that I am not making excuses, but on many levels my husband is a good man. I actually think he is insecure, in some ways, and yes, he does admit that any strong emotion sends him over the edge. This is from his background. Everyone is soooo "even" I think his dad may have "made fun" of him growing up, I know he was very critical of him. My husband is a "fix it" guy and when things are not fixable, he gets angry. To be fair, I have become angrier too, but I think some of it (a lot of it) is a reaction to him.

Anyway, I love my kids, we have a good life, and in the past I thought we had a good foundation. It just feels like it is being eroded slowly and I want to fight for it (not literally). I am scheduling a sitter to go out this week with my husband and really talk about all of this. It does need to change.

And yes, in the meantime, I need to work out, feel good about myself, sleep, get out with friends, and perhaps think about working.

My son has some issues, that have prevented me from thinking working outside the home is the right thing for right now, but may be part time is worth exploring.

Anyway-- really more a conversation/s I guess for therapy, but just signing in to say thank you for the validation that this is not normal or acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. OP, when people lash out at others, there are many different methods. It could be a stranger on the street, it could be the a**hole you live with. No matter, *they feel bad about themselves and it has nothing to do with you.*

You are just convenient. Don't be.

I agree with this. (OP here). But how do you "not be convenient?" I am here almost all of the time. . .also, to him he is not lashing out, he is "having fun" or whatever. He does not see it as anger or even mean. There is more background here (isn't there always?). I had postpartum depression after my children's births. It was horrible. He mocked me and would get mad at me, but so wasn't there for me. I never got treated, but I should have. I am raw and angry from those periods. There was a brief time then when I was suicidal. He literally punched me. When I would cry, he would get angry.

I also have a sick parent, who is likely to die this year. My husband cannot handle any emotion outside a very narrow band. For example, if you are happy and silly and singing funny songs with the kids, he would mock me for that or look really pained. Oh dear, I think I am realizing some things I may not be ready for. Thanks again everyone for letting me use this forum to get some of this out. I realize the next step is a good counselor for me. Thanks again.

OP, this is abuse. No ambiguity here.

OP Here. I just am not quick to label it as such. Wrong, yes. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, so may be my idea of normal is off. But I do think people get angry and frustrated enough that they can be physical. I have slapped or hit my husband too, in extreme frustration. I think this is something we/I will work on (certainly) with a therapist. But I don't subscribe to the "he's an abuser" and you must leave black and white scenario. As we all know, relationships are complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. OP, when people lash out at others, there are many different methods. It could be a stranger on the street, it could be the a**hole you live with. No matter, *they feel bad about themselves and it has nothing to do with you.*

You are just convenient. Don't be.

I agree with this. (OP here). But how do you "not be convenient?" I am here almost all of the time. . .also, to him he is not lashing out, he is "having fun" or whatever. He does not see it as anger or even mean. There is more background here (isn't there always?). I had postpartum depression after my children's births. It was horrible. He mocked me and would get mad at me, but so wasn't there for me. I never got treated, but I should have. I am raw and angry from those periods. There was a brief time then when I was suicidal. He literally punched me. When I would cry, he would get angry.

I also have a sick parent, who is likely to die this year. My husband cannot handle any emotion outside a very narrow band. For example, if you are happy and silly and singing funny songs with the kids, he would mock me for that or look really pained. Oh dear, I think I am realizing some things I may not be ready for. Thanks again everyone for letting me use this forum to get some of this out. I realize the next step is a good counselor for me. Thanks again.

OP, this is abuse. No ambiguity here.

OP Here. I just am not quick to label it as such. Wrong, yes. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, so may be my idea of normal is off. But I do think people get angry and frustrated enough that they can be physical. I have slapped or hit my husband too, in extreme frustration. I think this is something we/I will work on (certainly) with a therapist. But I don't subscribe to the "he's an abuser" and you must leave black and white scenario. As we all know, relationships are complicated.

OP, I know this must be very difficult for you, and I know you don't think this is as serious as it sounds to an outsider. But for the sake of your children, please be open to the idea that this is not acceptable behavior, no matter the circumstances, and talk to a professional about it ASAP. This isn't about making your point to an anonymous message board but what you know in your heart. Just remember that your children are completely vulnerable and depend on you to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. OP, when people lash out at others, there are many different methods. It could be a stranger on the street, it could be the a**hole you live with. No matter, *they feel bad about themselves and it has nothing to do with you.*

You are just convenient. Don't be.

I agree with this. (OP here). But how do you "not be convenient?" I am here almost all of the time. . .also, to him he is not lashing out, he is "having fun" or whatever. He does not see it as anger or even mean. There is more background here (isn't there always?). I had postpartum depression after my children's births. It was horrible. He mocked me and would get mad at me, but so wasn't there for me. I never got treated, but I should have. I am raw and angry from those periods. There was a brief time then when I was suicidal. He literally punched me. When I would cry, he would get angry.

I also have a sick parent, who is likely to die this year. My husband cannot handle any emotion outside a very narrow band. For example, if you are happy and silly and singing funny songs with the kids, he would mock me for that or look really pained. Oh dear, I think I am realizing some things I may not be ready for. Thanks again everyone for letting me use this forum to get some of this out. I realize the next step is a good counselor for me. Thanks again.

OP, this is abuse. No ambiguity here.

OP Here. I just am not quick to label it as such. Wrong, yes. I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, so may be my idea of normal is off. But I do think people get angry and frustrated enough that they can be physical. I have slapped or hit my husband too, in extreme frustration. I think this is something we/I will work on (certainly) with a therapist. But I don't subscribe to the "he's an abuser" and you must leave black and white scenario. As we all know, relationships are complicated.

OP, I know this must be very difficult for you, and I know you don't think this is as serious as it sounds to an outsider. But for the sake of your children, please be open to the idea that this is not acceptable behavior, no matter the circumstances, and talk to a professional about it ASAP. This isn't about making your point to an anonymous message board but what you know in your heart. Just remember that your children are completely vulnerable and depend on you to protect them.

Thanks. I am open to the idea. Therapist call made. Again, thanks for the support and ideas.

[Anonymous]

Good to hear you made an appointment with your therapist. But in no uncertain terms, no man is ever to lay a hand on you, no matter what. That is just wrong and you should never rationalize or accept that shit! And WTF is wrong with him mocking you while you are having fun? Big loser. Dump him. Yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good to hear you made an appointment with your therapist. But in no uncertain terms, no man is ever to lay a hand on you, no matter what. That is just wrong and you should never rationalize or accept that shit! And WTF is wrong with him mocking you while you are having fun? Big loser. Dump him. Yesterday.

Totally agree, PP. Sorry to personalize, but it's necessary. I was married to this variety of loser. He actually hit me when I was 5 months pregnant. He hit me so hard in the face that my lip split and I required stitches. The ER tech begged me to tell him what really happened. I lied and said that I accidentally hit my mouth on the edge of the freezer. It was awful, my nose was swollen and I had black and blue swelling for over a week in addition to a stitched upper lip. I was too humiliated to leave the house, couldn't allow anyone to see me like that. I had never experienced this kind of violence from anyone before. He apologized profusely, and I forgave him. Prior to this he was constantly making the just kidding insults. After the punch, within a few months, he progressed to making insulting remarks about me over the phone while talking to his family and friends. His insults made me feel like shit, my head was so fucked up that I started isolating from my family and friends.

OP, please don't waste your life by overlooking his verbal abuse and almost hits. He has a problem, but you have an even larger problem if you continue to go along with it. I'm glad that you're seeking counseling. Make sure that you follow through.