Thinking of buying a megaphone to aim at my mom

[Anonymous]

Elderly mom will not wear her hearing aids. She also has one of those devices with a headset for her to wear and a mic that she can set near the person speaking, but that requires proximity and her cooperation. She's always complaining either that I'm mumbling or that I'm yelling at her. This is getting especially tedious as she and I are basically the only people each other sees in person during COVID.

I am seriously thinking of getting one of those megaphones like coaches use. Could be useful at protests, too, right? Anybody have any recs?

[Anonymous]

Do you know why she won't wear them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know why she won't wear them?

She says they're not comfortable, which I understand. I don't like having things in my ears either. It's a lot worse during Covid because I'm basically the only one who visits and she doesn't feel the need to put them in just for me dropping by, but then I get 100% of the hearing-impaired interactions.

At least she's learned to text. Thank you for letting me rant.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a sweet lady. I hope you find a more comfortable option for both your sakes.

[Anonymous]

I have been on both sides. For years I was incredibly frustrated my dad wouldn’t wear hearing aids. Then I suddenly lost my hearing and I realized that hearing aids aren’t all that great. I’m grateful for the technology but there are times that I hate having to wear them. I can think of a lot of reasons your mom is not wearing hers. Even if she does wear them, she might not hear very well. I bought top of the line and trialed 3 before purchasing. I spent a lot of time getting them adjusted to maximize their effectiveness. Does your mom have good quality HAs? Are they properly adjusted? Do they fit properly?! Even though I have a good set, they don’t help in situations with background noise (restaurants, parties, when there is background noise like a lawn mower, even another conversation in the room). Certain everyday noises that are just slightly annoying are unbearable for me when they are in - dogs barking, sirens, etc. They also make my ears itchy at times and contribute to headaches in certain environments. Pre-COVID, I took them out as soon as I walked in the house at the end of the day. Now that I’m mostly at home, they are mostly in the charger. My kids and spouse find it frustrating when I can’t hear them, but I hope they also understand how very frustrating it is for me.

[Anonymous]

PP, that all makes sense. I'm incredibly sensitive to anything slightly too loud or off-balance myself, so I can imagine that imperfectly-amplified sound would be really uncomfortable. I wish that in this day and age we had better technology for hearing loss.

For myself, I feel like although I'm not a person who normally has any trouble being heard, I canNOT guess what level of volume I need to produce to make myself understood by mom and I can't make myself do the slow shouting required without feeling like I'm channeling annoyance.

[Anonymous]

Tell me where you buy these. I need one for my father.

[Anonymous]

One thing you need to do is sit down and try to have a mutually empathetic discussion.

You have to acknowledge that she doesn't like to wear the hearing aids and has good reasons for her choice. You can offer to continue to help find better solutions if she wishes. But she has to accept what this means for household communication and mutual comfort levels with sound.

She has to acknowledge that your attempts to be heard are neither mumbling nor "shouting at her." You feel unwarranted blame when she phrases it that way, and it is not appropriate for her to react that way. You often will either be not loud enough or too loud as you try to be heard by a person not wearing hearing aids, and it is situational so not easy to get right every time. She cannot keep yelling at you for "mumbling" or "yelling." She needs to acknowledge that you are doing your best to be heard, just as she is doing her best to hear.

[Anonymous]

^^ Also, encourage her to be honest when she is not hearing you. It will avoid a ton of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Also, try to get her to acknowledge that there will be times when no one realizes she didn't hear something. If she feels like she's been "left out of the loop" on something, she has to first ask to make sure it wasn't something she didn't hear. This will save a ton of unnecessary heartache.

Example, a friend's mom thought no one told her about a particular planned thing (not one she was personally involved in) and there was a huge, "no one told me" blow up. Turns out there had been a long conversation during a party about it, she was present for it, and she kept saying "uh huh" and laughing at appropriate times and "active listening," but actually didn't have her hearing aids in and was faking the whole time. So, everyone 'knew' she knew about it, and could not figure out whey she kept insisting no one told her. She apparently did this frequently. Honestly, they really thought she was heading into dementia; but instead she had been faking that she could hear for a long time. It was a mess and caused much strain on relationships.

[Anonymous]

I’ve dealt with my dad and his loss of hearing for decades. I would echo everything said above and add the following:

—Loss of hearing is associated with cognitive decline, so it’s important that your mom wear her hearing aids at least some of the time. Not sure you can tell her this but it’s important to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, that all makes sense. I'm incredibly sensitive to anything slightly too loud or off-balance myself, so I can imagine that imperfectly-amplified sound would be really uncomfortable. I wish that in this day and age we had better technology for hearing loss.

For myself, I feel like although I'm not a person who normally has any trouble being heard, I canNOT guess what level of volume I need to produce to make myself understood by mom and I can't make myself do the slow shouting required without feeling like I'm channeling annoyance.

PP here. A few things that help me. Figure out if your mom has a good side. If for example, she hears better on her right side, position yourself to her right when speaking. If you are across from her, sit slightly diagonal to her right. Turn down any other noise in the room so she can focus on what you’re saying. If others are around, move to a quieter spot. Make sure she can see your mouth when you speak because some people find it helpful. Do speak clearly and more loudly than usual but don’t shout. Also, ask her what you can do to help.

My dad will not wear HAs at all and misses a lot of what I say even with me practicing the suggestions above. I try to empathize with him and share my own struggles. Specifically I have explained that I needed to trial a number of HAs to find the best one and then be patient while the audiologist tweaked it over multiple visits. He wanted to walk into Costco and be fitted and walk out hearing 100%. When that didn’t happen on his first attempt, he gave up and declared nothing would help. I also have explained that I had to build up to wearing my HAs. I wore them for an hour for the first few days and then a few hours at a time until I was able to wear them most of the day. It takes time for the brain to acclimate to the quality of the sound because it doesn’t sound natural. It took discipline to stick with it. I am not giving up on my dad because as someone mentioned there’s a link with cognitive decline if not addressed. Another big concern is medical situations where he might not be able to hear what a healthcare provider is telling him. He often seems confused after appointments. In my personal situation, even with HAs, I always begin every healthcare visit by mentioning that I am hearing impaired.

I hope you can find a way to improve communication with your mom and decrease your frustration.

[Anonymous]

My Mom has hearing loss (was supposed to get fitted in March, but the pandemic had other ideas) and english isn't her native language. My Dad had gotten mumblier and mumblier as he's aged. Yeah, fun times!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a sweet lady. I hope you find a more comfortable option for both your sakes.

Strange comment since OP has not said anything to indicate she is sweet. She may be, but as I tell my daughter with reading comprehension, find me the quote that shows this. Being older does not make someone sweet in and of itself.

OP, I found with my mom first I give the benefit of the doubt and as someone mentioned have a polite and respectful conversation also showing empathy for her feelings. I am sure it probably is uncomfortable to wear them. If she still refuses-detatch. If she can't hear you, speak louder. If she says you are yelling, leave the room. It is not your fault she can't hear. She is being irrational to be upset you are yelling, when she can't hear you at a regular volume. I had to do this with my mother's mental health issues. Once I found out her outbursts and constant victimhood were not dementia related, it was up to her to get help. I had suggested it gently and respectfully without being condescending and she threw a fit. It is her choice not to treat her anxiety and depression, but I won't be her punhcing bag. I detach. Spend less time with her so you can enjoy the time you do spend with her more.

[Anonymous]

There's a book by Katherine Bouton called "Shouting won't help" that you might want to look at. Get it from the library if you can, because the most useful part, tips on how to talk to people who are hard of hearing, is only a page or two, but it is very good.

The only thing I'd add is that it helps if you slow down. I am hard of hearing, and if people are speaking quickly I can't understand what they're saying, even with my excellent hearing aids.

Bouton has another book out called "Smart hearing" but I haven't seen it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, shouting and even a megaphone won’t help. When I underwent the word-discrimination part of my hearing test, it was obvious to me that playing the words louder wouldn’t have helped my score. Real hearing aids don’t just amplify overall, they selectively boost different frequencies.