DL school refusal--out of ideas

[Anonymous]

Rewards charts don't work. Getting mad and yelling and physical force to put him in the chair sometimes does but of course it's not a great choice. School is involved but there's only so much you can do if the kid is not cooperative. I'm just so done. Every time there's a different log-in that's an opportunity to have a whole discussion about the fact that school isn't fun. I'm so close to giving up for my mental health.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any privilege that is conditional on attending? (This was prior to DL, but for my kid, there was no electronics or TV if no school. No chance to earn it back until the next school day.) It caused big outbursts, but it worked. (Again, much easier in pre-Covid times.)

Also, have you tried not having the camera on?

[Anonymous]

Home school. I'm sorry. Parent of SN here. It just does not work for most kids.

[Anonymous]

What grade?

If it’s early elementary I would let it go. Don’t force your kid to sit in front of the computer. Set up some reward so that if he does the morning session he can have ice cream for lunch or something so there’s an incentive to try — but don’t forget e it. I really don’t think it matters this year. Try to read to him at home.

If it’s an older kid I would look into workbooks that they could do or another way to not fall behind, but I wouldn’t force DL. Have them log in every day and turn off video. Done.

[Anonymous]

So many questions. What type of supports are you getting? Was school refusal a pre-covid problem or is it new? What grade? - I'm guessing younger if you can physically put them in a chair. Is your child mainstreamed? Do you have a social worker or counselor assigned - over and above the school counselor?

[Anonymous]

I would get help from a behavioral therapist as soon as possible. I would try to get the school to have as much one on one teaching as possible. I’d make a list of assignments for the day and post it so he knows what’s coming. I’d ask the school to excuse him from anything that is not directly tied to stuff he has to do, meaning skip morning meeting type stuff. Can you find out what topics are being covered and get alternate written assignments? Then I’d have a boring lunch planned, but I’d offer a fun lunch if at least one class session was attended. I’d add a dessert if an assignment was completed. I’d shut down all electronics and toys except books. You need a behaviorist for this.

[Anonymous]

Opt out. Have him complete assignments in increments when he's more willing or when you're able to sit with him and help him through it. I wouldn't force a child to sit through DL, if they don't want to.

[Anonymous]

My HFA 3rd grader does one-on-one sessions and refuses almost everything else.

I have class playing in the background whenever possible. (I acknowledge most of DL is a waste of time, so I don’t blame my child.)

[Anonymous]

Op here. We have talked about responsibility til we are blue in the face. We work on calm. Today after a seemingly calm morning he started kicking me and throwing things when I called him to the computer. He’s 11 and medicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have talked about responsibility til we are blue in the face. We work on calm. Today after a seemingly calm morning he started kicking me and throwing things when I called him to the computer. He’s 11 and medicated.

That sounds hard and I’m sorry you’re struggling. One gentle suggestion....talking about responsibility isn’t going to work. Responsibility to what? Sit in a chair in front of computer? I let my unmedicated 10 yo keep the zoom going on an iPad while he roams around, half listening and reading on Epic. Is it ideal? No. Are the assignments getting turned in? Yes.

Is there any thing that motivates your child? Does he have a currency? How is your connection?

[Anonymous]

I agree that the responsibility angle is like speaking another language to him right now. School is an extreme non-preferred activity. I would set smaller, achievable goals (like one class) and reward the heck out of his attending. (Be specific about what “attending” means. Sitting up in front of the computer maybe, or being in the room. Paying attention 100% or staring at the screen is probably not realistic.) And then let him earn an immediate reward. Milkshake, French fries, 15 minutes of Minecraft - right away. (Charts and points are not immediate enough for many kids.) Do this until he can consistently do it most of the time and then increase to 2 classes. If the rewards don’t work, what privilege can you make contingent on attending one class? (Again, make it achievable.) You don’t get your iPad time until you sit through one class, or video games or whatever else is his currency. Rewards are better, but removing privileges can work when rewards don’t. He will throw a fit and have a tantrum (perhaps daily) but if you persist through that, it will work. (If he thinks the goal is not achievable, have him pick one that is. Like half of a class.)

Also, I really recommend looking up Seth Perler and resistance. He has done some great podcasts and videos on helping parents overcome kids’ resistance to non-preferred activities.

[Anonymous]

Is this new with DL? Does he have an IEP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have talked about responsibility til we are blue in the face. We work on calm. Today after a seemingly calm morning he started kicking me and throwing things when I called him to the computer. He’s 11 and medicated.

Will he do the assignments? If he has an IEP, get a note from a doctor stating he can only do asynchronous.

[Anonymous]

You have to stop what you are doing. Can you homeschool? It isn’t just for religious SAHM now and there are a lot of resources. It’s faster for WAHP than DL in many cases.

If he has an IEP team, you can engage them and say this isn’t working. Have them help you brainstorm things like only an hour of zoom a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the responsibility angle is like speaking another language to him right now. School is an extreme non-preferred activity. I would set smaller, achievable goals (like one class) and reward the heck out of his attending. (Be specific about what “attending” means. Sitting up in front of the computer maybe, or being in the room. Paying attention 100% or staring at the screen is probably not realistic.) And then let him earn an immediate reward. Milkshake, French fries, 15 minutes of Minecraft - right away. (Charts and points are not immediate enough for many kids.) Do this until he can consistently do it most of the time and then increase to 2 classes. If the rewards don’t work, what privilege can you make contingent on attending one class? (Again, make it achievable.) You don’t get your iPad time until you sit through one class, or video games or whatever else is his currency. Rewards are better, but removing privileges can work when rewards don’t. He will throw a fit and have a tantrum (perhaps daily) but if you persist through that, it will work. (If he thinks the goal is not achievable, have him pick one that is. Like half of a class.)

Also, I really recommend looking up Seth Perler and resistance. He has done some great podcasts and videos on helping parents overcome kids’ resistance to non-preferred activities.

This is really good.