My DD thinks she is gay or bisexual

[Anonymous]

How can I help her? She ask me how does she know for sure? She haven't had any real experiences yet, not even a kiss. But in the past she had a crush on a boy and last year she had a crush on a girl, but all platonic. She is 14 years and it is struggling to define what she is. I said this is a process and there is no rush on labeling herself, told her to take her time, explore and then decide. What else can I do? Is there a book out there that she can read?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

I know this is hard for her not being sure but all you can tell her is it is a process. She doesn't have to know now. It will all make sense to her down the road and she doesn't have to hurry it. My kid went through the following progression: straight, bi, lesbian, bi. She considers herself bi now but it took her a few years to get to that. Just tell your daughter that you will love and support her no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is hard for her not being sure but all you can tell her is it is a process. She doesn't have to know now. It will all make sense to her down the road and she doesn't have to hurry it. My kid went through the following progression: straight, bi, lesbian, bi. She considers herself bi now but it took her a few years to get to that. Just tell your daughter that you will love and support her no matter what.

Pp here. Sorry, OP, I didn't read your post very closely. Of course you said the exact same thing I just said! Apologies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

You completely misread me. None of what I wrote was gender specific. Take a deep breath and stop expecting the worst from everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

You completely misread me. None of what I wrote was gender specific. Take a deep breath and stop expecting the worst from everyone.

Again — would you say the same thing if the kid said they were straight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

You completely misread me. None of what I wrote was gender specific. Take a deep breath and stop expecting the worst from everyone.

Again — would you say the same thing if the kid said they were straight?

Yes, of course, absolutely. This is the stuff sex ed leaves out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

You completely misread me. None of what I wrote was gender specific. Take a deep breath and stop expecting the worst from everyone.

Again — would you say the same thing if the kid said they were straight?

Yes, of course, absolutely. This is the stuff sex ed leaves out.

Just clarifying. Many people who are homophobic say exactly what you did about LGBTQ kids so I wanted to be sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

You completely misread me. None of what I wrote was gender specific. Take a deep breath and stop expecting the worst from everyone.

Again — would you say the same thing if the kid said they were straight?

Yes, of course, absolutely. This is the stuff sex ed leaves out.

Just clarifying. Many people who are homophobic say exactly what you did about LGBTQ kids so I wanted to be sure.

I honestly don't think you read the words I wrote. You are interpreting it through a specific lens, and don't seem to see that there is nothing specific to gender or orientation in those words. They are universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

You completely misread me. None of what I wrote was gender specific. Take a deep breath and stop expecting the worst from everyone.

Again — would you say the same thing if the kid said they were straight?

Yes, of course, absolutely. This is the stuff sex ed leaves out.

Just clarifying. Many people who are homophobic say exactly what you did about LGBTQ kids so I wanted to be sure.

I honestly don't think you read the words I wrote. You are interpreting it through a specific lens, and don't seem to see that there is nothing specific to gender or orientation in those words. They are universal.

DP here. I think it was the “kids get confused” thing. At least that bothered me, when I was a young teen coming out with feelings of attraction to the same sex - my parents told me I was “confused”.
Instead of exploring it I swept it under the rug. I married a guy, had kids, and now 27 years later I am divorced and with a woman.
It is clear now that was “confused” was not the right word.

[Anonymous]

No here. Your comments here are homophobic. You tried to be far more diplomatic to your child but you have innate bias and until you recognize that it will be difficult to have an open conversation with your child. Try the link below go assess you true homophobia. Use the results to consider your future conversations and actions.

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/Study?tid=-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I help her? She ask me how does she know for sure? She haven't had any real experiences yet, not even a kiss. But in the past she had a crush on a boy and last year she had a crush on a girl, but all platonic. She is 14 years and it is struggling to define what she is. I said this is a process and there is no rush on labeling herself, told her to take her time, explore and then decide. What else can I do? Is there a book out there that she can read?

I think you're doing all the right things. Be ready for her to ask "do you think I am?" If so does, don't answer "no." That is a good age to pick out her own books at the library (online) or the bookstore.

Last thing, she may have too much brooding/overthinking time on her hands and should get busier somehow, especially volunteering.

-Grown woman who was in your daughter's place at 14

[Anonymous]

The more you try to “help” the more closeted your daughter could become. Just let her be and be supportive as much as you can.

—woman who came out at 13 and immediately went back into the closet until 30 because of how mom responded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked about what love is, what crushes feel like, what triggers biological sexual responses, what forms the foundation of a solid relationship, what the difference is between a friend and a lover, etc.? I think some kids get confused these days with all the media they have access to -- if something arouses them, they try to fit that arousal into a broader cause and effect chain than is accurate under the circumstances. They want every piece of the puzzle to tell them what the full picture is, but it takes more experience and more pieces of the puzzle to get the full picture.

When most of us think back to 14, we laugh at what we thought of ourselves then.

Would you be saying that if this girl said she had a crush on a boy? Probably not.

Establishing a higher standard for “proving” that someone is not straight is homophobic. Plain and simple.

You completely misread me. None of what I wrote was gender specific. Take a deep breath and stop expecting the worst from everyone.

Again — would you say the same thing if the kid said they were straight?

Yes, of course, absolutely. This is the stuff sex ed leaves out.

Just clarifying. Many people who are homophobic say exactly what you did about LGBTQ kids so I wanted to be sure.

I honestly don't think you read the words I wrote. You are interpreting it through a specific lens, and don't seem to see that there is nothing specific to gender or orientation in those words. They are universal.

DP here. I think it was the “kids get confused” thing. At least that bothered me, when I was a young teen coming out with feelings of attraction to the same sex - my parents told me I was “confused”.
Instead of exploring it I swept it under the rug. I married a guy, had kids, and now 27 years later I am divorced and with a woman.
It is clear now that was “confused” was not the right word.

I’m the PP who called that other poster out. You’re right. She may have said she would’ve said the same thing to a straight kid, but the whole “kids get confused with media today” thing didn’t make it sound like that’s what it was about.

Kids have seen straight relationships on TV and movies for decades, so why would they be confused about “media today” unless she’s really referring to presentations of non-straight relationships.