Responding to dying father’s relatives.

[Anonymous]

My 79-year-old father got Covid a few weeks ago. He was the type that ignored the precautions and ran the streets and didn’t wash his hands and poopooed this virus off. My mom was Constantly yelling at him to take better precautions and wash his hands etc. Fast forward he’s on a ventilator kidneys have shut down now and they’re doing everything they can. He is a pretty healthy guy but about 40 pounds overweight. Well the problem is he’s at the veterans hospital which is where he always goes for services. Anyway, his side of the family is trying to get my mom to move him to a private hospital. Well my father doesn’t have insurance for a private hospital and I can only imagine the medical bills for what he’s going through I’m sure they’re in the hundreds of thousands at this point Which would leave my mother financially ruined. They started him on Remdesivir a few days after he got there. So we feel they are doing everything possible. And the doctors are so easy to talk to and give us daily updates. I don’t want my mom to feel guilty when his side tells her to move him to a private hospital. What should we tell his side of the family??

[Anonymous]

Some VA hospitals ar every good. Others aren't. A private hospital may not be any better. I think you need to tell them he's getting good care and financially for your mom's sake the VA hospital is the better choice.

[Anonymous]

That he'll be moved as soon as they fork over the money.

Sorry about your father.

[Anonymous]

There are two things here.

First, what should your mom tell his side of the family? We feel comfortable that he is getting good care. (do not mention finances; it's not their business).

Second, how to keep your mom from feeling guilty? I don't know - why would she feel guilty if he's getting good care?

[Anonymous]

Fancy hospitals do not always give better care. Just ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two things here.

First, what should your mom tell his side of the family? We feel comfortable that he is getting good care. (do not mention finances; it's not their business).

Second, how to keep your mom from feeling guilty? I don't know - why would she feel guilty if he's getting good care?

Well we feel he is getting the most care possible. His side thinks he can get better care at a private hospital. Maybe they have read bad things about veterans hospitals. But I know the hospital he’s in is one of the top notch in the nation.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you and your mom are confident that he is getting good care. I have worked in some very good VA hospitals there is a wide range of quality.

Maybe set boundaries with his family- say you are happy to discuss his care but he will be staying where he is, and if they keep pressuring your mother to move him end the conversation? And perhaps you can be a buffer and talk to family members so she doesn't have to deal with them?

[Anonymous]

Everyone loves to hate on VA, but they actually have great doctors and provide good care in the majority of cases.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't have Medicare?

[Anonymous]

"If you'll pay for it, sure. Otherwise, stop making my elderly mother feel badly about finances when she's busy trying to stay strong while her husband is fighting for his life. Shame on you!"

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has a severe clotting disorder--had a stroke when he was 30, has liver damage from clotting, is on warfarin, and he LOVES his VA doctors. The facility where he gets care is apparently very good.

[Anonymous]

his side of the family

Unimportant. Your Mom has all the power. All.
No one else gets a say. It's how the law works
If she is being bothered, she shouldn't be answering her phone

Loved ones deal with this all the time. Different opinions. Opinions expressed. None of it matters. The spouse decides.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your concern. He is not stable enough to even consider transferring hospitals at this time. He is getting care where the doctors know him and he is familiar with the facility. This is where he chooses to go to get his care. We support that decision. Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't have Medicare?

Depending on circumstances, Medicare copays can be ruinous, even the comparatively modest ones under Part A.

OP, you should consult an elder law attorney. Your mother should be able to prevent becoming liable for debts related to your father’s care.

If you are satisfied with the care then it is none of the relatives’ business. If they persist see if they will put their money where their mouth is.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your concern. He is not stable enough to even consider transferring hospitals at this time. He is getting care where the doctors know him and he is familiar with the facility. This is where he chooses to go to get his care. We support that decision. Rinse and repeat.

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