Responding to dying father’s relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your concern. He is not stable enough to even consider transferring hospitals at this time. He is getting care where the doctors know him and he is familiar with the facility. This is where he chooses to go to get his care. We support that decision. Rinse and repeat.

+1

I like this but would leave out the part about his being "not stable enough to even consider transfereing" him. You don't want to entertain the idea of transfer at this point or else they'll keep harping on the idea.

I know his family is worried, but their stress is being channeled through you and your mom and that isn't fair. Nip this in the bud - you have more pressing matters.

So sorry about your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't have Medicare?

Depending on circumstances, Medicare copays can be ruinous, even the comparatively modest ones under Part A.

OP, you should consult an elder law attorney. Your mother should be able to prevent becoming liable for debts related to your father’s care.

If you are satisfied with the care then it is none of the relatives’ business. If they persist see if they will put their money where their mouth is.

Good luck.

I'm the PP you're replying to and I've worked at the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services for over 25 years, so I understand Medicare pretty well. OP said her father didn't have insurance, which is why I asked the question about whether he had Medicare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two things here.

First, what should your mom tell his side of the family? We feel comfortable that he is getting good care. (do not mention finances; it's not their business).

Second, how to keep your mom from feeling guilty? I don't know - why would she feel guilty if he's getting good care?

Well we feel he is getting the most care possible. His side thinks he can get better care at a private hospital. Maybe they have read bad things about veterans hospitals. But I know the hospital he’s in is one of the top notch in the nation.

DP. Then stand confident in your choices. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry about your Dad. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you everyone for your wonderful reply suggestions. I don’t think my dads going to make it through this. They keep trying to lower his oxygen level to get him to breath on his own but no luck. I know the longer he’s on a ventilator the worse it is. The doctors told me if he makes it thru this he will need months and months of physical therapy to get strong again because this virus wreaks havoc on the lungs. I didn’t know this. I thought he would be back to normal in no time. I know my dad and he wouldn’t want to live out his life like this which makes this a no win situation. And the weird thing is in the last week or so I’ve had a few people tell me in a nonchalant way, “I don’t know anyone who’s died from covid”. These are people who don’t know what’s going on with my family of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your concern. He is not stable enough to even consider transferring hospitals at this time. He is getting care where the doctors know him and he is familiar with the facility. This is where he chooses to go to get his care. We support that decision. Rinse and repeat.

this

[Anonymous]

RN here. I can tell you all hospitals follow cdc/current guidelines to run the same protocols based on risk factors and vitals. No reason to move him and at this point, honestly they are being assholes, and sometimes being angry helps take your mind off processing the grief. OP, he COULD make it, but it won't be an easy road if there is pulmonary damage as there is for so many with COVID.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your concern. Everything that can be done, is being done. At this time the prognosis is not very promising. I would ask that you refrain overwhelming Mom with other care options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two things here.

First, what should your mom tell his side of the family? We feel comfortable that he is getting good care. (do not mention finances; it's not their business).

Second, how to keep your mom from feeling guilty? I don't know - why would she feel guilty if he's getting good care?

Well we feel he is getting the most care possible. His side thinks he can get better care at a private hospital. Maybe they have read bad things about veterans hospitals. But I know the hospital he’s in is one of the top notch in the nation.

She should not discuss this with the relatives. It’s none of their business. Just say it’s a good hospital; thanks for caring but he is in good hands.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your concern. He is not stable enough to even consider transferring hospitals at this time. He is getting care where the doctors know him and he is familiar with the facility. This is where he chooses to go to get his care. We support that decision. Rinse and repeat.

THIS. You can also mention that they have a lot of experience dealing with this.

I hope things work out for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Sending hugs to you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My dad died at 1:29 today. They did everything possible. He ended up getting a fungus in his blood and tried more drugs that put him in cardiac arrest. I’m heartbroken and please everyone take all precautions especially if you are in the high risk category. This virus is deadly. I can’t believe it took my dad.

[Anonymous]

Very sorry for your loss, OP.

[Anonymous]

How awful, OP. My condolences to you and your mom.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Please accept my condolences.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear this.