Losing hope

[Anonymous]

DH and I seem to be getting further and further apart. Main issue for me is that I have no voice. Often when I talk - about anything really - he cuts me right off and shuts down the conversation one way or another. If I try to discuss something in terms of how I feel, he usually responds by denying my feelings (yes, he actually does this - he doesn’t “believe” me when I tell him how I feel) or correcting them.
If I try to resolve a problem between the 2 of us by sharing my feelings, that’s the worst of all - he launches a personal attack on me. He often storms out and waits for me to apologize. Sometimes I do apologize just to keep the peace. I try to at least acknowledge that he is upset and apologize for unintentionally causing it. But then he gets even more worked up and claims that I intend to hurt him and make him angry.
I have suggested counseling many times to help us with our communication. He has said he would tell the counselor that I am abusive. He has also said that he doesn’t want to go to counseling just that he would have to listen to my bullshit. These are exact words by the way. So I don’t think we are good candidates for counseling.
For the last few months I have been avoiding interaction with him because I am feeling so alienated and depressed about the way we interact. I don’t see how problems can be resolved when we have no ability to communicate. But now he is accusing me of being distant and giving him the silent treatment. So not talking is not helping. Plus I am lonely and on edge all the time knowing anything I say - or don’t say - may provoke a fight.
I’m at my wits end. Anyone ever deal with something like this?
By the way I work full time, I am not overweight, and we still have sex.

[Anonymous]

This is no way to live. Without him being willing to work on communication, there’s not much you can do. Are you willing to leave the marriage? Because it may just be a choice between accepting the way things are and learning to let things roll off your back, or leaving. I would choose the latter, personally. Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is no way to live. Without him being willing to work on communication, there’s not much you can do. Are you willing to leave the marriage? Because it may just be a choice between accepting the way things are and learning to let things roll off your back, or leaving. I would choose the latter, personally. Do you have kids?

We do have kids. One is grown and out of the house and the other is in college. So we would not have custody and child support issues. I have thought about the latter, I know it’s an option. I still love him though and would feel lost without him. Not sure how long we can go like this though. Learning to accept things how they are seems like a tall order.

[Anonymous]

OP this sounds awful. How long has this been going on? Have you tried individual therapy for yourself?

[Anonymous]

Has it always been this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this sounds awful. How long has this been going on? Have you tried individual therapy for yourself?[
It’s been like this a lot of the time for the last 2 or 3 years. It was more occasional earlier in the marriage. I have not tried individual counseling but I would consider it. I’m afraid it will become a discernment process though - deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it I think you should consider counseling. So you can get some coping strategies while you decide what you want to do. Therapist may also have some ideas on what could be driving this behavior in DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, some things you just can't fix. In my house, I get shut down and am accused of being like my mother, who is apparently the most maladjusted person who ever lived. But don't kid yourself, even with grown kids, divorce is expensive and there goes half the assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, some things you just can't fix. In my house, I get shut down and am accused of being like my mother, who is apparently the most maladjusted person who ever lived. But don't kid yourself, even with grown kids, divorce is expensive and there goes half the assets.

Life isn’t all about the physical/material things. I can’t understand why people would want to live in misery for the sake of assets. Id rather have less and be with someone that makes me happy and treats me well, or single, than rich and miserable.

Life is short. You deserve better than this. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

He’s not only disrespectful, but abusive.

[Anonymous]

Individual therapy can be life changing. Not just understanding or contextualizing your DH’s shit but also yours. We all have our stuff and can all benefit. Even if you’re not talking about your marriage per se.

There are some online platforms now where its like $65/mo rather than the $180/session in the DMV and those platforms allow you the same therapist (which is important). I haven’t tried but totally see where that might be a more economical option if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Individual therapy can be life changing. Not just understanding or contextualizing your DH’s shit but also yours. We all have our stuff and can all benefit. Even if you’re not talking about your marriage per se.

There are some online platforms now where its like $65/mo rather than the $180/session in the DMV and those platforms allow you the same therapist (which is important). I haven’t tried but totally see where that might be a more economical option if needed.

I don’t want to go to therapy to talk about my husband’s issues when he is not present to speak for himself. I do need strategies though and to discuss my own issues. What are these online therapy platforms like? I don’t know anything about them.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP with the online platform suggestion - I haven’t used them. BUT, being able to talk to anyone would be helpful, including talking about your husband’s issues. A skilled therapist will quickly turn this back to you and why you’re raising that particular issue and what it raises in you. They aren’t there for your husband and are only interested in how he makes you feel and what reactions he sparks in you.

TalkSpace and BetterHealth are the platforms I’ve heard about. Can’t hurt to try.

[Anonymous]

I'm in agreement ... You (plural) aren't ready to go to counseling, but you (singular) definitely need it.

My daughter does counseling online once a week. It is SO helpful for her.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think individual counseling would be great to help you figure out how you have gotten to the point where you think you should apologize for expressing your feelings and why you feel responsible for managing his emotional reactions. Hint: both of these things are his issues to deal with, and I’m pretty sure your family of origin had a good amount of dysfunction in it for you to get to this place. Which means the work you need to do is heal that, because no communication technique will solve your marriage problem.