Worried about 3 yr olds anxiety and confidence? Should I seek a professional?

[Anonymous]

My 3 yr old is kind, funny, affectionate, and active. She physically healthy and developmentally on track.

But she has had a bear of a time with potty training, I think in large part because of a regression in the spring when our nursery school closed. I'm not super worried about the potty training itself -- I am looking forward to being done, but she just turned 3 so she's not way behind. Our ped is not concerned.

The issue is she gets so anxious and upset about it. At first it was just that she'd get very upset about having an accident. But now she gets upset anytime she sits on the potty and nothing happens, or every morning she wakes up with pee in her diaper (we haven't even attempted night training). She has started saying stuff like "I'm never going to use the potty." And not in a defiant way, but in a kind of despondent way, like she's depressed about it. Even when she succeeds and we make a big deal out of putting a sticker on her reward chart and talking about how great she did, she will tell us it wasn't good because she can't do it every time. I have no idea where she gets this -- we don't talk this way about her or around her at all.

Last night when I was putting her to bed, she seemed sad so I asked her about it. She told me that she didn't want to be a big girl because she doesn't think she's good at it, because she can't use the potty and she's bad at school (she can use the potty and she's great at school, though understandably PK via DL is not an amazing experience). We talked through it and read a book and made a plan for today to do some things I am hoping will remind her how great she's doing (riding her bike and making a video of writing her name to send to her PK teacher). But she still seemed down this morning, and then had an accident and had to change clothes before leaving the house, which made it worse.

I honestly think her anxiety about potty training is what is prolonging the process at this point. She just seems convinced that she is going to fail and I can't figure out why. Can 3 yr olds get depressed? Should I talk to a behavioral therapist? Again, our pediatrician didn't seem concerned, but I'm thinking maybe I should do a telehealth appointment without DD to explain what is going on with her lack of confidence. My husband thinks it will pass if we just stay positive and keep at it, but it feels like it's getting worse. At a loss for next steps.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

send her to daycare.

[Anonymous]

I think talking to someone usually never hurts, it can help you get some new tools in your toolbox as a parent. This might seem silly but I would also follow big little feelings on Instagram and get their course. I think it might be really helpful for your daughter to learn about alternatives to behavior based approaches like rewards and sticker charts. They really attach to this idea of “good and bad” and it seems like your daughter is really taking that deeply to heart. So for example when you’re saying you can only get a sticker when you do “good” and pee on the potty, and make a big big deal telling her what a good kid she is then, she picks up that means she’s bad when she doesn’t and it also might be making her motivation to do it More focused on your external validation rather than her building the ability to feel proud of herself, feel disappointed and it be okay, etc. there are some different ways you can phrase things tbat are more neutral that might help, especially with a child who seems sensitive to it. I’ll try to come back and post some ideas for reading. It was definitely a shift for me but I think has been really good for my son.

[Anonymous]

Ps when I say talking to someone, telling your pediatrician won’t hurt but honestly they aren’t very well trained in anything but basic behavioral approaches like sticker charts even though that’s now becoming less popular if you work in child development because it is very limited in long term effects (works in the moment) but peds are taught kind of old school approaches still and frankly aren’t taught it much at all. A therapist who has a gentle or respectful parenting approach might be a good fit for your daughters needs. You’re a great mom for noticing and I think you’re right to think about it and see what you can do.

[Anonymous]

Sorry one more thing, want to clarify that of course I know you don’t means she’s bad when she pees her pants and don’t tell her that, but some kids internalize that with excessive praise when they are “good”

[Anonymous]

Pp here, here’s an article on praise to start that might be helpful and give you some alternative ideas https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2020/08/13/parenting/praising-children.amp.html

[Anonymous]

This podcast and some of her others might help. I generally think that folks on the extreme saying never say good job seem well..extreme, but I do think it’s helpful to understand the perspective and also think some kids internalize things like that more than others and your daughter seems to be one of them, so take it all with a grain of salt but I think reading some of the new theories on how to build more internal motivation in kids might be helpful for you. Some of her others podcasts are helpful too (though dry). Also sorry for so many posts, very annoying of me but I am on my phone.

https://yourparentingmojo.com/captivate-podcast/009-do-you-punish-your-child-with-rewards/

[Anonymous]

You can read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. This approach will help you remove the conditions she feels your love is contingent upon. Treat her like a person and not someone who needs to change or do something differently.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t dealt with this exactly, but my DS (4) does get really frustrated and down when he has nighttime accidents.
We started having goals- like, let’s just try to be dry one night, and celebrate it. Or two, etc. it really helped get him in a better place

I know all the potty training books say not to go back to pull-ups, but I wonder if in this case, you should— and just say,
Today, our goal is to go potty one time. And then when she does one time- great, pressure is off, it’s a win for the whole day. And then once she can do one, you can say ok, let’s try two! you can also tell her it’s obviously OK to do more than the goal, but you get the sticker/treat/celebration whatever just for hitting the goal

[Anonymous]

I think I would just go back to the pull-ups. It’s not normal for her to be reacting like this. Just tell her you are taking a break from potty training for now and don’t mention it. The only thing I would focus on now is lots of snuggle time, which I am sure you already do, and working on how does your body feel in various areas, like is it too hot, can you feel how cold this ice is, are you feeling relaxed on Mommy’s lap? She needs to be mindful of her body’s feelings in order to recognize when she needs the potty, but without any pressure to perform, even if that pressure is self-imposed. Some kids respond really well to sticker charts as a bridge to learning a behavior, and others don’t do well with that at all. Follow her lead and back off, as she’s signaling she can’t handle this now, and remember always that we are all stressed right now in so many ways, and kids pick it up.