Am I letting my 6 month old cry too much? Feeling neglectful

[Anonymous]

I'm a second time mom and I vowed to not replicate what I see as "mistakes" looking back on my first with sleep/nap training (I held my first baby for most naps until about 10 months old and didn't do any real night time sleep training...he didn't sleep through the night until age 2).

My second baby is now 6.5 months old and we started sleep/nap training 1-2 weeks or so ago, and it is going very well! Went from waking up every hour all night long (nursed to sleep to falling asleep independently). But, I'm starting to feel guilty about the crying that does continue to happen and looking for reassurance...

Current sleep schedule:
6:30 wakeup
9-10:30 nap 1
1:30-3 nap 2 (sometimes wakes after 30 minutes and will cry for up to 10-15 min and go back to sleep) --- I feel guilty during this
7pm bedtime (doesn't cry at bedtime but is waking up at 4am and crying on and off for up to 45 mins maybe even an hour...really don't like this)
12:30am dream feed

I'm mostly worried about the waking mid-nap and crying back to sleep and the 4am crying which is really hard and sad to listen to but it's on and off and sounds like "frustration" vs "help I've been abandoned!" I don't think she is super hungry because I dream feed in the middle of the night. Listening to her cry is very hard and I hoped that by sleep/nap training the crying would stop once she figured out how to go to sleep independently...I guess I'm wondering if it ever will stop? Hopefully I'm doing the right thing by staying consistent.

[Anonymous]

Sounds good to me. I'd give another bottle or check if wet at 4am just to make sure that's not the issue

[Anonymous]

I would let the naptime crying go, but maybe feed at 4 am. She might sleep later if you do.

[Anonymous]

I would check on her (diaper ok?) and maybe even feed her at 4am if she often cries up to an hour! And I’m a fan of sleep training. I know that some people say that babies don’t need food overnight at that age, but I believe that some babies need it while others don’t. Everything else you’re doing fine, but the 4am thing? I would attend to her without feeding her until she’s fast asleep.

[Anonymous]

10 minutes fine. 45 minutes not fine.

[Anonymous]

10-15 minutes of crying mid-nap is great. Don't disrupt a good thing by going in there and disrupting her natural sleep patterns. Don't you sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and shuffle around before falling back asleep? That's what she's doing, albeit more vocally. It sounds like she's able to calm herself down, which is exactly what you're looking for.

I can understand why the nighttime one is harder. 45-60 minutes feels like a very long time at night. The fact that she's able to go back to sleep without working herself up too much is a good thing, and I think it reinforces that you're on the right track. But, I don't think you should feel obligated to go full-extinction. Have you tried just going in there briefly to rub her back/head (without picking her up) to see if that calms her down?

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I didn't sleep train my first at all until she was 2.5 and we eventually bribed her to stay in bed for the night. Like you, vowed not to do that with my second and sleep trained at 5 months. It went well and we worked up to 30 mins of crying but would always call it and go get baby then. It was awful for me and we went through the crying process every time there was a developmental milestone, illness, travel, nap transition, etc etc

Pregnant with my 3rd and I did a lot more research about sleep training this time around. I've decided not to do any type of CIO or controlled crying. Will try my best with only the gentle sleep training methods that don't involve crying. If it takes years, so be it.

[Anonymous]

OP here and I appreciate everyone's feedback so far. The "crying for 45 mins" is not full-blown wailing for that long until passing out, it's more like 5 minutes on, 5-10 minutes off, 5-10 minutes on, almost sounding frustrated. I think she is probably a little hungry and it's harder at that time of morning to fall back asleep (even for me). But this has only been going on for 2 days so far...so I'm HOPING if I stick it out a few more days she will figure out how to connect that early morning sleep cycle? Please do let me know if this is wishful thinking.

Prior to the last 2 days of dreamfeeding and 4am wakeup, she was going without a dreamfeed but waking up naturally around 3am for a feeding and then again at 5am for another feeding, and then up again at 6:30am and not really that hungry at wakeup, so that time of morning is just tough for her. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

I know it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself this is okay!

[Anonymous]

I would feed at 4am. 6 months is young enough to still need that feed. It sounds like she is uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

OK...I'll add in a second dreamfeed. It sounds like the consensus is that I am being neglectful.

[Anonymous]

I actually think you're doing great! Try the dream feed though. You sound like a great mom!

[Anonymous]

Six months old and it's been two days? Do not feel guilty, you're doing great. I would keep on going.

If you want to make some adjustments:

I think 12:30am is late for a dreamfeed, that could be messing with her nighttime sleep. I'd pull that forward (slowly if you want) to 11pm. If you went cold turkey on the middle of the night feeds, that could be causing those habitual wake ups. In that case, I might add in a (small) feed about an hour before when she generally wakes up, waking her to do it, and then wean that off more gradually (say, an oz every day or two)

The other thing I'd watch is your wake times during the day. Three hours is long for a six month old - most six month olds still need a third nap. Does your baby seem super tired when she goes down? You may need to put her down earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Six months old and it's been two days? Do not feel guilty, you're doing great. I would keep on going.

If you want to make some adjustments:

I think 12:30am is late for a dreamfeed, that could be messing with her nighttime sleep. I'd pull that forward (slowly if you want) to 11pm. If you went cold turkey on the middle of the night feeds, that could be causing those habitual wake ups. In that case, I might add in a (small) feed about an hour before when she generally wakes up, waking her to do it, and then wean that off more gradually (say, an oz every day or two)

The other thing I'd watch is your wake times during the day. Three hours is long for a six month old - most six month olds still need a third nap. Does your baby seem super tired when she goes down? You may need to put her down earlier.

Oh, and - how's the surroundings? Make sure no light or noise is getting in, and her temperature is right, etc.

[Anonymous]

Cry it out doesn’t work ok early morning wake ups (4 AM). Even the proponents of CIO recommend against it for an early morning wake up. It’s also not really that useful for nap sleep training