The way my DH talks to me
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Anonymous
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I feel like this is newer, or I've been unable to handle it lately. I cannot put up with the tone that my husband uses towards me and he is in denial that he does it. For example, this morning he walks into our bedroom with our young children while I'm getting dressed. He says OMG Can I get a shower?! Instead of can I get my shower? Another example, "There's no gas in the car!" like blaming me for there being no gas because I drive more instead of "can you get gas?" or calmly stating there's no gas in the car. He is condescending. It's like I'm another kid instead of a partner. He also laughs at everything. My daughter will say something is bothering her and he'll laugh, cuz he thinks it's cute or funny, but to her it's a serious problem. He refuses to acknowledge that he does it, instead he'll repeat what he just said but in a nicer way as if that's how he said it the first time. Or he'll say That's just how I am, I laugh at everything.
Do I need to get a 3rd party to show him how he is? Put up with it? Keep bringing it up that I hate it? Help! |
Anonymous
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im struggling with this too - we are all under immense pressures these days and being together 24/7 really brings out the worst in us.
But I am also realizing that what I am feeling, is a result of ME. He can't make me feel any way by how he talks to me, I let him make me feel a certain way. I can control that. I can control my feelings. Your examples, the shower and the gas, sound as if you felt he was blaming you in the manner he was speaking. Which means deep down you might have felt some guilt or other negative emotions around getting to shower, or driving the car more, who knows. But you felt guilt, and then when he said those things, his words highlighted this guilt inside of you and made you feel blamed. He didn't blame you of anything. You felt blamed. If you were wearing a green shirt, and your husband comes in and said "what an ugly red shirt!" you would laugh it off, because you clearly weren't wearing a red shirt. Now if you were wearing a red shirt, and your husband came in and said that same thing - and you felt strong negative emotions, because you were wearing a red shirt, and maybe it was ugly ... that is because you fear your shirt is ugly. You can control yourself and your fears. Does that make sense? |
Anonymous
Thank you very much for your long and thoughtful reply. My husband and I have always worked from home and our kids do have care, so I do not believe that pandemic life is really different for us. I do understand what you're saying. Since having the 2nd child, I have become more sensitive. I have discussed that with him. I have said "I know I am more sensitive lately so can you please take that into account when you talk to me?" But it has not changed from him. Do I need to be less sensitive or does he need to watch what he says? Should it be both? Sometimes he jumps to conclusions (like with the car). We are both responsible, but he was a block from the gas station and didn't fill it up. Why can't he just be polite and not talk to me like I'm an idiot? That is how he makes me feel, regardless of what the truth is. If he asked me to take a shower, meaning can you take the kids, and I said NO because I was in the middle of a game on my phone, that would be malicious. But I am not slowing down on purpose or taking more "me" time than typical so he is stuck with the kids. I am doing my best to be fair and he is assuming the worst from me, and that has been bothering me. |
Anonymous
I disagree that this is on OP. There’s a polite manner to speak to people and this isn’t it. My DH does the same OP. We’re going to try counseling. |
Anonymous
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Are these chronic issues that he’s bringing up? Not leaving him time to shower, leaving no gas in the car? Maybe he’s asked you nicely 10 times and frankly, eventually it just gets annoying to be a broken record. I’m a DW but feel like I’m your husband sometimes with MY husband. Eventually you just get sick of saying the same thing over and over nicely.
If these are not chronic issues with you then the problem is him. |
Anonymous
No it's not one thing he'll mention a bunch of times. I would get that by the 10th time he'd get annoyed. This is him saying it rude the first time. I just talked to him about it and he's saying I'm a hypocrite because I talk to him like that too, but there's no way I do it. There's always an excuse. I am getting tired of fighting with him about it. If he wants to make his wife and children feel like dogs, then that is his choice. |
Anonymous
Hi above PP again, and i would say it's both - but - you can't control him. You can, however, control your emotions and communicate your needs to DH and hope he hears you and respects your need for changes. I agree with you (and the poster below who disagreed with my post) that there are polite ways to talk to your spouse and DH needs to improve on his communication if he isn't talking to you politely. But without knowing if these are on offs, or chronic issues that your DH may have brought up multiple times, or sensitivities on your part - i can't really say. I am not in your marriage. I was just trying to highlight, that your initial post sounds to be very focused on "how do i get my husband to change" ... the answer is, you can't. You can communicate your needs and problems (like his tone) to him clearly and at calm times, and you can work on being less sensitive. Personally, I try and focus on myself in these hard times, what can I do better, since this is within my control and he is not. Sometimes that breaks us out of the blame cycle. I would try and step back from engaging and reacting, and just observe your interactions. Reflect on both things you can control and improve upon, and ways that he communicates to you that bother you. In a calm time, address those issues with him but try and abstract away from any specific examples, I find if i give specific examples, we then begin to argue about that example and the message is lost. Also - sometimes the blame cycle rears up when we don't have enough connection time. My empathy gets low, i get snippy and more sensitive. A good date night, something that gets you laughing, can help re-establish the connection and break the blame cycle. |
Anonymous
| Dealing with the same issue. Conversing with my husband is getting harder and harder. Starting to wonder how much chemistry is there. I have to always maintain the most level, unemotional tone or he flips out. He's allowed to speak to me any way he wants to while I have to watch every word and fluctuation in my tone. If I disagree with him he's offended. I've pretty much had it. |
Anonymous
Same woman, same! |
Anonymous
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like the pandemic has just brought the situation to the forefront. I'm losing patience with the "my poop doesn't stink" personality. |
Anonymous
Yup, I have definitely changed my attitude and the BS excuse of "you do it too" is nauseating. I am not like that at all. Why can't you accept that you do it and will try to work on it? I am not perfect but I don't deliberately try to make my husband feel like crap, unless he starts it with me first. |
Anonymous
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Same here. I figure if he's gonna act like a toddler, he's gonna get treated like one.
"OMG can I get a shower?" "Are you asking us to leave the room? If so, say 'I'd like to take a shower, can I please have some privacy'" The gas one kills me. My DH does that - states these observations but his tone indicates it's the end of the world. In our house it would go: "There's no gas in the car!" "That's correct, there is no gas in the car" "What, you didn't think to get gas the last time you drove?" "That's correct, I didn't think to get gas" At which point he usually scoffs and walks away. I just don't engage, it's way too stressful. I'm not his child, I don't need to explain myself for anything. The kid one is tough. I've been teaching our DD to verbalize what she needs. "This is a serious problem. I need you to listen to me and not laugh, minimize it, or act silly to cheer me up". Which sucks, but on the other hand - let's be real, most men have zero emotional intelligence, and most women are taught to shut up and take it. I figure at least this is good training for when she's an adult and has to deal with A-holes all the time. |
Anonymous
| Turn it into a joke. Yes your highness. Did you mean to imply I'm your humble servant? |
Anonymous
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In my experience, what he blows up about is not typically what it is actually about. Try talking to him and saying "You seem really upset about [this relatively minor thing]. What is really bothering you?"
If there's nothing he feels is underlying and he is truly just frustrated with the specific things he's bringing up, at the very least your talk needs to be about the impact it has on your kids to speak to you so meanly. |
Anonymous
| I’m in the same boat with years of dh criticizing me for being over sensitive and defensive. I finally see it clearly with the way he treats my daughter - snaps at her and then yells at her for defending herself. She feels boxed in- naturally she’s going to respond with escalation. I read how to talk so kids will listen and I would recommend it for you as well. It’s really about how to communicate with empathy. I’m slowly working on my dh but he won’t read the book. He does follow my lead with parenting and so I think with time, and me modeling better communication, he will improve. This is not on you. |