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what to do after death
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Anonymous
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My family had a death over the weekend and it made me start thinking that my DH and I should have some burial plans in place in case something happens to one of us. Before baby, both my DH and I said that we wanted to be cremated and then scattered somewhere most likely illegally. But, now that we have a baby, I'm not sure that's the best thing. My husband thinks that cemeteries are morbid and doesn't think that any child would want to go to one. I, probably somewhat freakishly, think that cemeteries are full of love and don't mind going to them myself but aren't sure if a child would want to go.
For those of you who may have experience in this area, if a child loses a parent, would the child benefit from a cemetery plot or someplace where he can go to "visit" his parent(s)? Does it bring any measure of comfort? |
Anonymous
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i have a friend who still holds on to her moms ashes. i helped her to move and commented on how beautiful the vase is and she told me what it was. i was so disgusted!!!
anyway, if your husband doesn't like it, i would avoid making him go through it. if you don't mind doing it if he dies just arrange like this. if you die they cremate you if he dies you bury him. easy. |
Anonymous
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I lost my father as an adult, so take this FWIW. He was cremated and his ashes were scattered in a body of water. I frequently drive by this body of water - way more frequently than I would visit a cemetery plot - and I always think of dad when I do.
I take a lot of comfort in knowing that we did exactly what dad wanted with his remains - that he didn't make his decision based on what he thought we wanted, but what he wanted. |
Anonymous
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That's really hard to predict (about your kids' preferences). My parents hated cemeteries and never visited. I have no interest in them, even though my father's ashes are buried in one now. My mother, since she's the oldest living generation right now, makes the rounds every year at Christmas to put flowers or wreathes on the graves, but not because she wants to, because she somehow feels obligated to. So in my family at least, graves are not a big thing. I think I'd focus on what "you" want for now.
A couple of nice things to leave behind are lots of pictures, and lots of family stories. Either tell them to your kids often or better, write them down . |
zumbamama
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Site Admin Offline
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Before my friend passed, she requested that she be cremated and then her ashes buried. She even chose the cemetary, one that was on top of a sunny hill. She wanted her son to have someplace nice to visit her as he grows up. I like that I can physically go to there to pay my respects.
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Anonymous
That is a horrible thing to say. |
Anonymous
| I lost my mother as a young adult and was thankful that her wishes were to be cremated. The thought of having to put her body into the ground would have made the whole situation even more difficult than it already was. We scattered her ashes in her favorite place and kept some as well. It has been a great comfort having her ashes, especially since I live far from where she would have been buried. Furthermore, we planted a tree and there is a plaque next to it with a personal message and her name. I am thankful that I don't have to go to a cemetery to honor her, as I find them very depressing. |
Anonymous
| I lost my father when I was 10 in Ohio. My family moved to the DC area when I was 16. Up until we moved away, we never visted the cemetary even though we lived less than 2 miles from it. I do visit now whenever I am in the area. What was more important to me as a child were the pictures and the precious items he had given me - for example, a birthstone ring the year he passed away. |
Anonymous
Why is it horrible? How would you feel if it was you? I didn't know what was inside the vase! In my culture it's considered disgusting to touch a dead person if you're not part of the spiritual leaders who are allowed to touch them. I was not prepared for that. I was sick for several days after that and just the thought of it makes me feel nauseated again. Do you want to carry my dead mother around for me for a second please? I'll be right back. |
Anonymous
| Your kids feelings and beliefs on this are likely to be shaped by your own. If you two both want to be cremated, I wouldn't change that plan for your child's sake. Moreover, your child can visit whatever place your ashes are scattered as well as s/he can visit a cemetary and might find it more meaningful. For me, a stonewith a name on it doesn't do much for me. My mom was cremated (her wishes) and her ashes were interred in a cemetary (decided by rest of family so we'd have a place to visit) and we never really go there. I think of my mom more when I go to her favorite restaurant or her hometown or the places we liked to shop together, etc. Hope that helps! |
Anonymous
| I visit my parents' grave, which is part of my mother's family plot. They were Italian immigrants and so poor as they were, they bought a spot big enough to hold several generations of family members. It is nice to visit them and also to see the older generations. I didn't feel this way as a child, but I grew to appreciate it as I got older and the generations ahead of me gradually faded away. I think my children will probably feel the same way when they get older. |
Anonymous
Wow, you sound like a great friend! |
Anonymous
| It's important to plan these things (and hope they don't happen for a long time)! I think you should think foremost about what YOU would want if something happened and that will be the right thing for your child. Your traditions will be passed on to your child. I lost my father as a teenager and he was cremated. Though gross to some, we still have the ashes and even grosser, my mom has some, I have some, and my brother has some. Really gross, right, but it's what worked for us. Mom lives in the city where Dad died; I live 2,000 miles away, my brother lives 800 miles away. Dad didn't want to be buried (and neither do when I the time comes). For us it's nice to have "pieces of him" (believe me, I know how awful this sounds) because if he were in some cemetary plot, I wouldn't be able to go there very often at all. |
Anonymous
| In this day and age, who knows where your children will be living in 20 or 30 or 40 (or 5?) years. Even if you were born and raised here and anticipate your children staying in this area (that sounds rare anyway), it's impossible to predict. I think it's better to make plans assuming that your kids may choose to live some place else later in life. What that means to you as far as how it would impact cremation vs plot, only you can say. |
Anonymous
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It's a very individual choice. My parents want to be buried. They have a plot. When my mother's sister died recently, and her family cremated her as she wished, and brought the ashes to the memorial service, my mother was nauseous.
DH and I plan to be cremated and each have our ashes sprinkled in a place that means soemthing to us - a kind of setting us free to go back into the cosmos or something. You would think, having grown up with my mother, I would be pro-burial, but I am not. Nonetheless, since I know it means something to my parents, and especially my mother, bury them I shall. You cannot predict how your kids will think and feel, so give them the gift of telling them what YOU want. |