Getting along great during separation

[Anonymous]

DW and I separated, and I notice we get along really well now. We talk, it's warm, even mildly affectionate. Does this mean we shouldn't have separated? I am skeptical about reconciliation, since we are so much more peaceful with this distance.

Anyone BTDT and have perspective?

[Anonymous]

My sister and her first husband. Everyone is awesome. The grace they all share is amazing. By the way the proof is in the kids, all fantastic. New partners for both and they all share the same level of kindness.

No mean words, no talking bad about other partners.

Truly lovely. They are all happier.

I think they were just not great together, but apart they are fantastic. I know this is rare, but it's really nice.

[Anonymous]

My friend is like this. I think when you take away the pressure of two people having different expectations/resentments about intimacy, that can make things go a lot smoother.

[Anonymous]

It means there is hope for a peaceful divorce and, if you have kids, co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

No, this doesn’t mean you should get back together.
It means you all will be able to co parent and remain distant friends.
Win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, this doesn’t mean you should get back together.
It means you all will be able to co parent and remain distant friends.
Win!

Op here, thanks and this is what I suspect. Another poster said it's because the pressure if intimacy is gone and I think that's true too. It was a major source of stress, she stopped wanting to be intimate.

She suggests we slow down the divorce process and asked about how I feel about us doing better. She wants to keep reconciliation on the table but this is all good advice and in fact a hopeful sign we will be great peaceful coparents

[Anonymous]

Why not reimagine living arrangements? Why not consider if intimacy COULD be back on the table, but you both live in separate houses? I'd say keep an open mind here. You can love and be in love but not like to actually LIVE with somebody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not reimagine living arrangements? Why not consider if intimacy COULD be back on the table, but you both live in separate houses? I'd say keep an open mind here. You can love and be in love but not like to actually LIVE with somebody.

OP here, I have thought about that at length. Can the separate living arraignments also mean an open marriage or perhaps neither of us ask what the other is doing? We don't have sex anyway. Is this a fantasy? Or do you think she would actually want to have a sex life again if we created space between us?

[Anonymous]

Dude she wants to legitimize the lack of sex...she's happy because she doesn't have to pretend it's happening. Just get on with a peaceful divorce.

DW and I separate once but still slept together - it actually tightened our bond and we did reconcile. But our issues weren't lack of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not reimagine living arrangements? Why not consider if intimacy COULD be back on the table, but you both live in separate houses? I'd say keep an open mind here. You can love and be in love but not like to actually LIVE with somebody.

OP here, I have thought about that at length. Can the separate living arraignments also mean an open marriage or perhaps neither of us ask what the other is doing? We don't have sex anyway. Is this a fantasy? Or do you think she would actually want to have a sex life again if we created space between us?

I don't know, OP, but you should definitely broach those subjects with her ... I think it may save your marriage and so when you get older (and want/need less sex) you may want more togetherness (because I can see the benefits of being with a known entity who legitimately cares about me as I age).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not reimagine living arrangements? Why not consider if intimacy COULD be back on the table, but you both live in separate houses? I'd say keep an open mind here. You can love and be in love but not like to actually LIVE with somebody.

OP here, I have thought about that at length. Can the separate living arraignments also mean an open marriage or perhaps neither of us ask what the other is doing? We don't have sex anyway. Is this a fantasy? Or do you think she would actually want to have a sex life again if we created space between us?

Omg you are disgusting. Goodbye please divorce your wife and do her a favour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, this doesn’t mean you should get back together.
It means you all will be able to co parent and remain distant friends.
Win!

Op here, thanks and this is what I suspect. Another poster said it's because the pressure if intimacy is gone and I think that's true too. It was a major source of stress, she stopped wanting to be intimate.

She suggests we slow down the divorce process and asked about how I feel about us doing better. She wants to keep reconciliation on the table but this is all good advice and in fact a hopeful sign we will be great peaceful coparents

If you can get along that's the biggest one in marriage. If you have kids I would try and work it out. If you think you have problems now wait until you both date others with kids, exes, and a whole new slew of problems. Keeping a central family together is very important. I say this from experience.

Work it out, don't listen to the posters who say divorce over nonsense. Most of my second marriage friends fyi aren't all that thrilled with their circumstances. Sometimes there's not a choice, BUT going by your posts it's certainly doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not reimagine living arrangements? Why not consider if intimacy COULD be back on the table, but you both live in separate houses? I'd say keep an open mind here. You can love and be in love but not like to actually LIVE with somebody.

OP here, I have thought about that at length. Can the separate living arraignments also mean an open marriage or perhaps neither of us ask what the other is doing? We don't have sex anyway. Is this a fantasy? Or do you think she would actually want to have a sex life again if we created space between us?

I don't know, OP, but you should definitely broach those subjects with her ... I think it may save your marriage and so when you get older (and want/need less sex) you may want more togetherness (because I can see the benefits of being with a known entity who legitimately cares about me as I age).

Also, and I say this as a woman, she might embrace that situation. I'd love to stay married but get to have boyfriends. OMG I would LOVE it. And my own house???? And know that in 20 years I'll have somebody that I love to settle back with?? Love love love the idea of it. Sounds amazing.

[Anonymous]

Why did you separate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, this doesn’t mean you should get back together.
It means you all will be able to co parent and remain distant friends.
Win!

Op here, thanks and this is what I suspect. Another poster said it's because the pressure if intimacy is gone and I think that's true too. It was a major source of stress, she stopped wanting to be intimate.

She suggests we slow down the divorce process and asked about how I feel about us doing better. She wants to keep reconciliation on the table but this is all good advice and in fact a hopeful sign we will be great peaceful coparents

The pressure of intimacy? Wtf?

Nobody should be married if they feel pressured to be intimate with their spouse.

Divorce already.