How do you talk to your kids about choosing a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Prompted by my second grader informing me yesterday that the most important criterion for selecting a husband is picking someone who is nice to kids. (Then: “You did a good job, Mom.”)

But it got me thinking, I have a lot of opinions about how to pick a spouse. Like, if you want kids make sure your spouse wants kids. Like, if you want kids and your career is time-consuming and important to you, consider looking for a spouse who will take on more of the child and home duties. Like, if you want to be a SAHP make sure your spouse’s personality and earning potential support that. Obviously none of this is appropriate for my 8yo, but at what age and how do you talk to your kids about thinking about their futures this way?

[Anonymous]

I have an almost 8 year old. She has asked me what the term “the one” means and I’ve discussed with her that I don’t believe there’s just one person on the planet who would be a good fit but I was lucky to find a person who was a good fit. I tell her about traits I like about my spouse / her dad (he’s a good listener, he makes me laugh, he was so excited to be a father...) I wouldn’t presume at this age (maybe ever?) to guess at what traits she’d want some day or even if she ever wants to get married. I don’t want her to have the assumption that I expect that path for her. I would like her to have a life partner but she might choose something else.

[Anonymous]

I had to talk to my kids about this a lot because I got divorced and remarried. We had a big talk about WHY I was willing to marry the second person I did, and I literally wrote out the reasons. Everything from "we're in love" to explaining what it looks like to respect each other (there was a lot of "Daddy did this too"). But I think respecting a spouse means things like putting the toilet seat down AND being responsible with money AND being honest.

[Anonymous]

OP. Yes, respect is huge. I never lived in an apartment with roommates (DH and I got engaged when I was about to go into my senior year in college) but my response to all my friends’ roommate drama has always been (privately) “wow, so glad I live with someone who loves and respects me so when I say ‘XYZ bugs me’ they stop even if they don’t mind!” Honestly I think modeling is probably bigger than any conversation.

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids the most important thing is good character.

A kind honest person will be honest and kind in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Having this conversation with my college-aged kids right now. One of my daughter's friends turned down her dream job because she wanted to live in the same city as her boyfriend. We've been talking about when it is and isn't appropriate to compromise in a relationship, and what power dynamics look like in a relationship -- discussing how her dad and I have BOTH made career compromises for one another, turned down opportunities in order to make the family function well, and als the point at which that would be a reasonable thing to do (i.e. don't start compromising for someone early in a relationship; that's different than compromising within the context of an established relationship; Also, my spouse notices and appreciates the sacrifices I have made and doesn't take them for granted; be wary of someone who takes your compromises for granted). I'm thinking some of these might be more specific to raising girls, but maybe not. (These are also conversations that begin in middle school, in my opinion. Some young girls will 'turn into their boyfriend', adopting all his interest, etc.. My college aged daughter watched all the Star Wars movies with her boyfriend, and we even had a conversation about that! Are you adopting his interests, or is this a shared, mutual interest, etc.)

[Anonymous]

First I say that people don't always have to get married. It's more important to find the right person than to get married to the wrong person. And then echoing everyone's comments about kindness and compatibility

[Anonymous]

Pick someone who is:

1. a good person, and good to you
2. is not afraid of hard work, both in and out of the home
3. smart - beauty is really only skin deep, and it fades

Simplistic enough for children to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Yes, respect is huge. I never lived in an apartment with roommates (DH and I got engaged when I was about to go into my senior year in college) but my response to all my friends’ roommate drama has always been (privately) “wow, so glad I live with someone who loves and respects me so when I say ‘XYZ bugs me’ they stop even if they don’t mind!” Honestly I think modeling is probably bigger than any conversation.

THIS. Show your kids what it means to have an even marriage. Show your kids what it's like to be in love with your spouse. Show your kids how fun it is to be married to someone you laugh with. Show your kids how you and your spouse handle disagreements and emotions. Then, when they're older, you can reiterate some of these things to them to put words to what they've seen you model for their whole lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First I say that people don't always have to get married. It's more important to find the right person than to get married to the wrong person. And then echoing everyone's comments about kindness and compatibility

+100. I've always told my 9yo that it's fine if she doesn't get married. I'm a child of immigrants, and many immigrant families put a lot of pressure on kids to get married--I want to make sure not to do that.

I've also discussed having her own kids in terms of "if you decide to have kids"--again, trying to avoid any pressure.

[Anonymous]

There's that verse everyone uses for weddings Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I read somewhere that you should replace "love" with the name of the person. I wish someone had told me that. I think it is great advice!

[Anonymous]

I have the serious talks about compromise and the need to talk about finances, etc. Then I also remind them that.....it is just as easy to fall in love with a rich person as it is to fall in love with a "poor".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's that verse everyone uses for weddings Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

I read somewhere that you should replace "love" with the name of the person. I wish someone had told me that. I think it is great advice!

Oh that's awesome! I love that.

[Anonymous]

I talk about having compatible goals and ideas of what life should look like.

[Anonymous]

My mom did not like some aspects of her marriage, but came from a culture that forbade divorce. My parents are happy now, but they went through a rough patch when I was in middle school. Mom was VERY verbal about what NOT to put up with. She also shared common mistakes that she’d seen friends make. She repeated herself a lot. It stuck. I have made my own mistakes, but am in a very happy marriage.