SAHD: angry and volatile

[Anonymous]

My husband did not make enough money to justify the (very expensive) costs of baby day care in Arlington. He's now the SAH dad. He's really good with our baby--loving, into each and every milestone, loves showing off the baby. He's also getting better about understanding that he can't "just" take care of the baby--that in those 4+ hours our baby naps, he should pick up the bedroom, or run a load of dishes or laundry, or mop the kitchen floor. So the home front is messy but not outrageous and he's trying.

But once in a blue moon he lays into me. I mean screams, yells, leans over me. Screams at me about what a terrible mother I am, how he wants to take the baby away and never let me near our baby, how he's the only one who loves our child. He does this in front of our baby. He did this a week ago. He did this a week before that. He did this three weeks before that. Irregular. Not frequent. But very ugly at the time.

He's apologetic after. Generally tries to be super-"sweet" and solicitious, such as right now.

But I'm concerned: he's modelling being abusive, accusatory if you don't get your way, bullying... he's modelling a terrible way to treat another person, but especially a spouse.... and I'm feeling upset that I'm paying for rent, food, heat for someone who behaves like this.

I suspect my husband is resentful and angry because he stayed at home thinking he could make a business of consulting, but between the economy and his inexperience at running a business, this has not been successful at all. He is also angry because he feels he's "given up" so much and that I should be "enormously grateful" when the truth is that I feel I work my tush off and don't exactly feel "grateful" although I appreciate and tell him often that he is a wonderful caregiver to our baby.

We have been in therapy all fall. He keeps saying "he'll do better." I want him to move out. He keeps insisting that I'm just looking for an excuse, because I've never been invested in the relationship. He tells me "you move out if you feel so strongly." Unfortunately our therapy appointment this weekend is cancelled because of the snow!

I guess I'm not sure what to do... Continuing as we are isn't working for me and I'm fearful are going to lead to serious behavioral problems with our baby, once baby is a toddler. Do people have thoughts? Should I move out? Should I insist in next therapy session that he has to move out, because I can't take it?

[Anonymous]

Can he go to anger management classes in addition to therapy?

[Anonymous]

What does the therapist say about the angry outbursts?

[Anonymous]

OP, who will the childcare if/when he moves out?

[Anonymous]

I'll be honestly judgmental about the situation. You are making this out to be about the baby because it is easier for you if you do.

But you have to be honest. This is not about how he'll affect the baby. At best, this is how marital problems might affect the baby.

Before you do anything, you have to stop making up this excuse for leaving and confront yourself. Do you want to be in this relationship or not? Then decide. But whatever you decide, don't lay this possible divorce on your daughter. That is unfair to everyone including you.

Make it about what you want for you.

[Anonymous]

What is/are the sources of his anger? Can any of them be directly addressed?

1. If husband is not identifying with SAHD role (as I might not identify with SAHM role) you might consider just writing it off. Have him work and swallow cost of daycare. His paycheck should probably pay for *some* of it, no?

2. If hubs is depressed and angry -- is this a biochemical thing that can be addressed with medication?

Has hubs always been this way? I must say, accusing you of not loving your child seems odd, and not related to #1. Maybe #2.

Seriously, give #1 some consideration. I may face being a SAHM due to employment situation and it makes me very, very anxious, despite loving my child more than anyone in the world (okay, my hubs, too ). First, I identify with my profession. Second, I feel itis my responsibility as parent to maintain my skill set and income potention just in case. Making the transition would be very hard for me, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is/are the sources of his anger? Can any of them be directly addressed?

1. If husband is not identifying with SAHD role (as I might not identify with SAHM role) you might consider just writing it off. Have him work and swallow cost of daycare. His paycheck should probably pay for *some* of it, no?

2. If hubs is depressed and angry -- is this a biochemical thing that can be addressed with medication?

Has hubs always been this way? I must say, accusing you of not loving your child seems odd, and not related to #1. Maybe #2.

Seriously, give #1 some consideration. I may face being a SAHM due to employment situation and it makes me very, very anxious, despite loving my child more than anyone in the world (okay, my hubs, too ). First, I identify with my profession. Second, I feel itis my responsibility as parent to maintain my skill set and income potention just in case. Making the transition would be very hard for me, too.

Agree with this. Let him start planning to go back to work if that's what he wants, even if it costs you money.

[Anonymous]

I was thinking he go to see a psychiatrist with the moody bipolar Mom. Sorry, the snow is getting to me.

[Anonymous]

In addition to the marital counseling together, I strongly recommend individual counseling for you both. You each have needs that will not be addressed during joint counseling sessions.

It's expensive, but worth the investment for sure. Even if you end up moving out (and later divorcing, even), you could use the support to figure out your needs. And he certainly could use the anger-management help and support about the underlying issues triggering his anger.

Beyond that, I agree with the PP who said this is not just about protecting your baby from DH's anger and bad role modelling. It's about you. You do not deserve an abusive husband and you need to stand up for yourself and respect your needs as much as your child's needs.

Finally, I think I suggested this to someone else on a similar post -- get a small tape recorder and start taping your husband's abusive tirades. Be open about it -- tell him you're going to do it. It may be helpful for therapy, but more directly for him to listen to himself.

[Anonymous]

maybe he is getting bored at home and doesnt know what to do with himself. some guys really need to feel they are the bread winners

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I gave some serious thought to what many suggested about the fact that it is possible my husband needs to work, for his self-esteem. That makes sense to me. He's always poured himself into his jobs. His job was far away and he maintained a second apartment, plus separate utilities and food bills, plus train fares back and forth, and because he was away 5 days a week, it meant higher support costs here in NoVa: help cleaning the house, etc. It was for all these reasons (it would have cost me over $4,000 a month for him to continue to work his job, if you add in transportation, extra support here, and infant day care) that the math didn't work out. He is looking for jobs now and I'm hoping he'll get something. I initially wanted him to stay in the area, but I told him this weekend, he should broader the job search and just take whatever he wants.

I should explain he's always been EXTREMELY PICKY about jobs. For instance, in the last 10 months, he's sent out 8 resumes. He will not "compromise" on positions, which is why it was such a problem for him to keep the job he had most recently after the baby came and why he didn't end up taking a position locally rather than becoming a SAH father.

In terms of what others ask, about what I want, this is where I'm torn. I want a happy family. It sounds very overly simplistic, but if a happy family is baby and me living one place and a husband, maybe with a new spouse, maybe with baby living somewhere else, that is more important to me than three people living in one space, ripping into one another. I'd NEVER attack my husband and believe me I think he has deficiencies. It really bothers me that this is where he's chosen to go. It makes it very hard for me to enjoy spending any time with him, even when he's being solicitious and thoughtful, as this weekend. In fact, this was one of the things that made me realize things need to change: this weekend he's been quite sweet. I've found myself not able to enjoy it at all, but instead thinking to myself "when is he going to blow?" and "how long is this going to last?" and "god he's fake."

I like the idea of individual therapy. I once suggested he get a therapist and he said he "will" but like keeping his anger in check and like job hunting as our couples therapist has been encouraging him to do, his list of things he "will do" seem to never become a list of things he "has done."

And I did just buy a recorder.

Thanks everyone for listening and for the thoughtful words.

[Anonymous]

is your dh at home with a baby? how old?

i don't think he is cut out for SAH. if he's never treated you this way before now, i think it is possible to work through it. if he has well, then i am less optimistic. i say this because my DH showed this kind of behavior every once in a while before baby. after baby, it was all the time. he just couldn't handle parenthood, frankly, because of his inherent selfishness. and he thought i was an appropriate target for the rage he felt at no longer being the center of the universe.

we are now divorced.

[Anonymous]

op did you ever live together full time? sorry, but the weird work patterns you describe flag as bipolar for me. any "difficult" people in his family? i'd see if you can work it out to get him help, you will be dealing with him with custody anyway, can't just walk away cleanly when there is a kid involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, in thinking about what to do, you should keep in mind that under the circumstances you describe it is quite likely that if your DH wanted to have primary custody of the child, he would be awarded primary custody since he has been the primary caretaker of the child. So the scenario of you and the baby living in one place and him in another is not the most likely outcome if he wants to fight for custody. The most likely outcome is shared custody with you having a percentage of time with the child, but probably not the majority of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op did you ever live together full time? sorry, but the weird work patterns you describe flag as bipolar for me. any "difficult" people in his family? i'd see if you can work it out to get him help, you will be dealing with him with custody anyway, can't just walk away cleanly when there is a kid involved.

OP here. He's always been very emotional. In the past this has been a positive thing--he's been very sweet and loving and I was drawn to him because he's expressive.

I recognize that there's a problem now that his major emotion is a negative one, though!

I agree things could get very messy, very fast with a 6 month old baby and with him "giving up his career" etc. I definitely am very nervous about things getting uglier. I've been working hard to keep things calm for the last 6 months, but I really lost faith in January when he returned to this behavior. (He had lost it in October a few times; therapist really sternly pointed out how damaging this is to baby; he stopped.) I feel pessimistic he is truly able to manage frustration and unhappiness, because the outbursts have returned and they seem more vicious than October, with him screaming for up to an hour and with our poor little baby just looking petrified or wailing away. It's truly terrible.