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SAHD: angry and volatile
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Anonymous
| Do whatever you can to get him back to work. Suggest a short-term nanny or you take time off to give him time to look properly. |
Anonymous
| Maybe OP will be able to get primary custody if H is deemed mentally and emotionally unstable. |
Anonymous
| You'd home 13:46 but it rarely seems to work that way. |
Anonymous
OK. I'll offer that tonight when I get home. |
Anonymous
| op, do you think you will be able to get over his abuse and "love" him again? |
Anonymous
I agree with this. OP - I don't have the perfect marriage (far from it) but I know this much. Do whatever you can to make your marriage work before resorting to divorce/separation. You owe that to your child and to yourself. I almost think people should not be allowed to get divorced during the first couple of years after your first child is born. The stress of just THAT adjustment puts a strain on even the best marriage. Add the fact that your DH has pretty much been forced to SAH....recipe for disaster. I'm not condoning his outbursts, but I actually understand where they are coming from. He is frustrated and exhausted and his life is not working out as planned. He then resorts to outbursts b/c of this frustration. He probably doesn't have any other outlet for his stress. Again, not condoning, but I think you should focus on his needs (I know, not fair) and see if his behavior improves. Also, does your husband have "his time"? What may help is a part-time nanny for him to look for jobs, but also get to the gym and work off some of his frustration there... |
Anonymous
exactly. i am the divorced poster from a few posts up. i detailed everything to me lawyer (very similar to OP story) and she basically told me no chance in hell would i win custody. we are 50/50 because he insisted and there just wasn't enough there to make it otherwise |
Anonymous
I'm not sure. I feel like I need space to sort out different feelings: I feel upset and hurt. I also don't want to make the situation even more emotionally charged, so I'm trying not to delve too much into how I feel. |
Anonymous
This is something our therapist wants him to do. I've been very supportive. I budgeted gym membership and anytime he wants to go (he's wanted to go twice) I always make sure he can. I agree he needs more outlets. I agree he's frustrated. I agree that his life isn't as he wanted it to be. I'm thankful he's not taking anything out on the baby. |
Anonymous
| 13:44 here. Actually, there's one other thing that you mentioned early in your original post about getting him to do more while baby naps. I would totally lay off that - at least for a while. When I've had periods staying at home, I've felt that I needed the down time during naps for my own sanity and that I'd prefer to do chores at night. I also felt that the working partner should do equal chores because there is a lot to do for the baby - somehow it's mentally exhausting. Now before anyone begs to differ, I think it wouldn't hurt for you to back off on that and see the household chores as generally joint at least in this case and at this time. Certainly as your baby gets older, it will get harder to do those things during the day. As the SAH partner gets better at the job & more experienced, they will also get better at multi-tasking. But for now, appreciate the drastic change that your DH has gone through and be supportive about his accomplishments. |
Anonymous
OP, he is taking it out on the baby, albeit indirectly. He continues to scream and rant for up to an hour at a time while his child looks petrified or cries? He frightens his child and doesn't care? There's something really very wrong there. |
Anonymous
|
DH needs to go back to work.
Let him go. There are many many options of childcare. |
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, this is also a good point. I do forget what an adjustment he's gone through because as soon as I've put baby to sleep in evening, I run around to get lunch ready for the next day, laundry done, and I feel as if I'm working my tush off. Sometimes when he lays into me I want to rip my hair out, because I do so much around the house, while working a full-time job. But you are right to point out he's had a big adjustment and his life does not look the way he wanted it to look. <sigh> I know it's a hard adjustment. I really do. I'll be honest that it's hard for me to get past a feeling like "millions of moms make this adjustment all the time and they don't start screaming at their husbands about what horrible selfish people they are." Sometimes this makes me feel resentful of him. That said, I don't want this situation to continue. It really needs to end. I spent the weekend feeling like I'd eaten something that became a hard lump in my stomach and I don't think I can function like this. So I'll offer 2 afternoons of babysitting and not mention anything around the house that needs to be done. Here's to hoping!!! I want to thank everyone for listening to me and offering good ideas about the things I can do, to try to get this situation on a better path. |
Anonymous
| 13:47 should read "You'd THINK" |
Anonymous
|
OP, I think part of the issue might be things like "I'll offer 3 afternoons of babysitting". I'm a woman and that seems emasculating. Can the 2 of you sit down together and hash all this out - what needs to be done, what each of you need for your sanity, etc? Rather than you and the therapist kind of tiptoeing around and trying to prop him up or whatever?
Can you go out somewhere together and talk (a Starbucks or whatever so he can't scream)? Don't compare him to some mythological housewife, just say, you don't seem happy, this isn't working. How can we get to a place where we can all be happy? How can we structure this so it works for everyone? It kind of sounds like you think of him working as an expensive hobby that you can no longer indulge, whereas for him it was an identity. If you think being a SAHM, much more cultural support, is such an unmitigated fab gig then you haven't been spending enough time at DCUM. |