What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Long story short: I got a small gift for my 7yo child for a minor milestone event. She saw me open the amazon box (knowing it contained her gift) and she said “that looks boring” before she realized the other side looked much more interesting. She has a history of blurting out rude things like that and I’m losing patience for it. Debating if I should return the gift or not. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I think my first reaction would be to return the gift. But then I would want to teach her a lesson not based on anger or denial. What if you put it away for a few days and talked about it instead. Tell her how you felt excited to pick it out for her and your feelings were hurt when she reacted that way. Talk to her about how that might feel if she said it in front of a friend or a grandma. Ask her to put herself in your shoes. Empathy is a long road for some kids—this might be a good thing to talk about...and then in a few days she gets the gift and you tell her you’re proud she was patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short: I got a small gift for my 7yo child for a minor milestone event. She saw me open the amazon box (knowing it contained her gift) and she said “that looks boring” before she realized the other side looked much more interesting. She has a history of blurting out rude things like that and I’m losing patience for it. Debating if I should return the gift or not. What would you do?

Return the gift. Teach her a lesson in manners and to hold her tongue. I had a present for neighborhood child who did, basically, the same as your child. I picked it up and said, "Sorry you don't like it. I,'ll return it.". She was shocked and said that she did like it. I didn't budge. Her mother agreed with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my first reaction would be to return the gift. But then I would want to teach her a lesson not based on anger or denial. What if you put it away for a few days and talked about it instead. Tell her how you felt excited to pick it out for her and your feelings were hurt when she reacted that way. Talk to her about how that might feel if she said it in front of a friend or a grandma. Ask her to put herself in your shoes. Empathy is a long road for some kids—this might be a good thing to talk about...and then in a few days she gets the gift and you tell her you’re proud she was patient.

Bull. By age ,7 she should have developed some sense of decorum. Giving her the gift days later is still condoning her behavior.

[Anonymous]

She’s 7. She blurted something out. Things are upside down now and kids are anxious and acting out more. I’d be forgiving.

I’m confused about why she knew her gift was in a box you opened. Did you blurt out that it was in there, or did you tell her and not let her open it? Maybe she was acting out because she wasn’t happy about not opening her own present.

I get that I’m totally reading this through my own lens and projecting my BPD mom’s attitude onto you, but the idea of taking a gift away because you don’t like her behavior is something my mom would’ve done. Especially since she wound up liking it. Help her work on impulse control and give her ideas of better things to say if she doesn’t like a gift. And don’t be so easily hurt by what a child says when they clearly haven’t thought things through. Is she generally impulsive, or does she only have self control issues with blurting out?

[Anonymous]

Wow, time to teach her about being graceful and grateful when receiving a gift. Have you discussed this before with her? Explain how this could potentially hurt the gift giver’s feelings.

[Anonymous]

Hard to imagine being more petty, OP. I would talk to her about it. 7 is still very impulsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my first reaction would be to return the gift. But then I would want to teach her a lesson not based on anger or denial. What if you put it away for a few days and talked about it instead. Tell her how you felt excited to pick it out for her and your feelings were hurt when she reacted that way. Talk to her about how that might feel if she said it in front of a friend or a grandma. Ask her to put herself in your shoes. Empathy is a long road for some kids—this might be a good thing to talk about...and then in a few days she gets the gift and you tell her you’re proud she was patient.

Bull. By age ,7 she should have developed some sense of decorum. Giving her the gift days later is still condoning her behavior.

7 year olds aren’t perfect. Sometimes decorum and manners take practice. You can either do that with anger and shame...or you can turn it into a lesson in empathy. I’m not against taking things away as a consequence, but if this is a first time thing, why not try this first? If she’s constantly rude about gifts, sure take something away. But op didn’t say this is a common thing for her dd. Taking the gift away is the easy way out. You don’t have to deal with a discussion. Just “you were rude, you made a mistake, better luck next time”. Taking the time to talk, have a discussion, think about WHY you shouldn’t be rude when you’re getting a gift—-will pay off in the long run for not just this situation, but many situations.

[Anonymous]

Hard to imagine being more petty, OP.

[Anonymous]

That wouldn't even register to me. Your child felt she could express her honest feelings to her mother. In the privacy of her own home. If she can't be honest in that environment where the hell CAN she be honest?

It only would have been rude if she'd said it to the gift-giver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to imagine being more petty, OP. I would talk to her about it. 7 is still very impulsive.

+1

She's 7. Kids don't learn things instantly. You have to reenforce social rules over and over as they grow up.

One of my kids loves finding out what he's getting and blurting it out. Totally ruins the joy of the surprise -- FOR ME, not him.

Why don't you tell your DD why you thought she would enjoy it? If she changes her mind and likes it, will that be enough for you or do you want your own feelings soothed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That wouldn't even register to me. Your child felt she could express her honest feelings to her mother. In the privacy of her own home. If she can't be honest in that environment where the hell CAN she be honest?

It only would have been rude if she'd said it to the gift-giver.

OP is the gift giver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to imagine being more petty, OP. I would talk to her about it. 7 is still very impulsive.

This.
Also, knowing that she struggles with blurting things out, what did you do to set her up for success?

“I’m about to open the box that has a gift for you. Let’s go over one thing you can say if you don’t like it, but that’s polite. We can practice it now.
And if you like it, you can be excited.”

[Anonymous]

talk to her and if she's rude give consequences.

[Anonymous]

Giving consequences without intentionally teaching her the skills to regulate her outbursts is like trying to sit on a two-legged stool. It doesn’t work. You think the consequence will “teach” her, but it doesn’t.