What makes a spouse look loving to you from outside the relationship

[Anonymous]

Was reading that "why do demanding women have such devoted husbands?" thread and it occurred to me that people have really different ways of measuring how good other people's relationships are.

I generally don't think that hard about how "devoted" someones spouse appears, but I definitely notice when people seem loving to each other. To me, it's things like being attentive when they are together (checking in on each other at a dinner party, for instance, to see if the other one needs a drink or wants to take a break from kid duty), as well as the way people talk about their spouse to others. I consider it a red flag when someone complains a lot about their spouse, both in front of them or when they aren't around. And conversely, I often notice when people say kind or complimentary things about their spouse.

Obviously you can never know what a relationship is really like, but what makes you think "Oh, they really love each other?" What aspects of your friend's/family's relationships do you want to replicate in your own marriage?

[Anonymous]

When I see a couple being genuinely considerate of each other, I think that the relationship must be a good one. You can usually tell who is putting on airs or being considerate just because they are in public - those are not the couples I'm talking about. But the couple that anticipates each other's needs or does little things to make the other more comfortable, especially when they think no one is looking, is one to emulate IMO.

I also think that couples who truly enjoy being in each other's company appear to have a good relationship. You can tell who these people are because they aren't trying too hard and aren't forcing anything. It's just a natural, easy companionship.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine has a truly awesome marriage, you can tell by the give and take that goes on constantly, a lot of teasing but very loving.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose face just seems to light up when her husband appears. They’ve been married over 30 years so they must be doing something right.

[Anonymous]

Bickering. Openly criticizing each other. Ongoing competitive nature and scorekeeping ("I took care of the kids while you were on travel last week, so now I'm going away for a week."). Constant comments about "my salary" as in, "my salary paid for this vacation."

Shushing or correcting; "Shhhh! Don't get overly excited!"

- this is five minutes of vacationing with my brother and SIL and one of the many reasons were no longer spend longer than we have to with them.

[Anonymous]

11:32. Sorry, so the above demonstrates an unloving and dysfunctional marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who always talks about having the best husband ever who totally and completely dotes on her, but they don't seem to have much in common and I am not sure she enjoys his company. Seems like she sees him more as the dad provider rather than lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bickering. Openly criticizing each other. Ongoing competitive nature and scorekeeping ("I took care of the kids while you were on travel last week, so now I'm going away for a week."). Constant comments about "my salary" as in, "my salary paid for this vacation."

Shushing or correcting; "Shhhh! Don't get overly excited!"

- this is five minutes of vacationing with my brother and SIL and one of the many reasons were no longer spend longer than we have to with them.

That is horrible so I hope it’s at least a little exaggerated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But what makes you think "Oh, they really love each other?"

I don’t scrutinize other people so meticulously.
They’re together they’re not yelling at each other I assume the love is there.
50/50 shot of getting it right and if I’m wrong...
Who gives a shit it’s not my relationship not my problem.

[Anonymous]

This is not totally responsive, but I feel like people often evaluate a marriage based on how much a couple posts to and about each other on social media, and that’s always seemed weird to me. I think I have posted a birthday message to my husband on SM maybe once in 10 years.

In my own life, I notice when couples really listen to each other. Like if I’m out with friends and they respond to what the other says in a really engaged way instead of just nodding along. I think it’s easy to start tuning out your souse after a period of time and that level of engagement impressed me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend whose face just seems to light up when her husband appears. They’ve been married over 30 years so they must be doing something right.

Ah, yeah, this is a good answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what makes you think "Oh, they really love each other?"

I don’t scrutinize other people so meticulously.
They’re together they’re not yelling at each other I assume the love is there.
50/50 shot of getting it right and if I’m wrong...
Who gives a shit it’s not my relationship not my problem.

I don’t think you need to scrutinize people to notice things that indicate a loving relationship.

And I don’t think OP is saying anyone’s relationship is your “problem.” More like: what examples do you see in other relationships that you want to model in your own?

[Anonymous]

For a long time it bothered me that my husband doesn't do overt demonstrations of affection in public.

Then i learned about love languages. I strongly recommend understanding this for every couple. My husbands love language is acts of service but quiet ones. My love language is verbal.

[Anonymous]

My parents always used to say beware of the overtly “loving” and PDA people in long marriages. They are always the ones that end up divorced.

I think it was the old school equivalent of boasting on social media about “my love”.

[Anonymous]

A certain unquantifiable vibe or energy between them.