My MIL is upset with me—smooth it over or ignore?

[Anonymous]

Last Saturday we had dinner with the in-laws and my mil expressed interest in bringing dinner over to our house one day this week before the kids started school, which they started today. My parents also expressed similar interest, only to take us out for dinner and ice cream. Turns out my husband has to work late this week so there would be no days for formal dinner. Since we saw my in-laws on Saturday for dinner, in dh absence, I decided to let him figure out dinner with his family next and agreed to go out to dinner with my parents last night. My husband, I guess thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, communicated to his mom about his work schedule, them mentioned basically that I had gotten my parents visit out of the way last night so they (my in-laws) could come for dinner any other day next week when his schedule was back to normal. Mil flipped out and now feels slighted. Do I ignore this or say something? I swear you just can’t win.

[Anonymous]

You say nothing, DH talks to his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say nothing, DH talks to his parents

She expressed to him that she feels I personally slighted her because she had shown interest and I ignored it. I guess in a way I did? I did choose what interested me most, in light of dh not being home. I feel it’s either on me to ignore or smooth over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say nothing, DH talks to his parents

She expressed to him that she feels I personally slighted her because she had shown interest and I ignored it. I guess in a way I did? I did choose what interested me most, in light of dh not being home. I feel it’s either on me to ignore or smooth over?

He should have immediately responded that your parents had shown interest too, and that you had just seen them. You have to take turns, period. Then move on. My MIL does this too. I see my family once a year and she always feels slighted. Ignore, Repeat the take turns line, go back to Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to handle - you did nothing wrong. Why he felt the need to tell them you went out with your parents is beyond me.

DH to your MIL: “Mom, this is ridiculous and you need to drop this. Larla and I both decided since I had to work late every night this week, that it made sense to see you next week. I know you want to see the kids, but *I* want to see you, too. Now, our schedule next week is pretty open. Do you want to get together on Tuesday or Thursday night?”

[Anonymous]

If she didn't say anything to you directly, ignore.

[Anonymous]

I can't understand why your DH told you about this. I swear most of the problem with in-laws is from husbands communicating to their wives that their parents (usually the mom) is upset about something trivial and communicating to their parents (usually the mom) that the wife is upset about something trivial. Your DH should learn to say, on the spot, that there is nothing wrong with you scheduling time with your parents because he wasn't available and he wants to be there to see his parents too, what day next week works? And then say nothing to you.

[Anonymous]

MIL being dramatic. Focus on your kids and back to school, let DH plan a day for his parents' dinner. Be normal next time you see them, don't grovel. You did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't understand why your DH told you about this. I swear most of the problem with in-laws is from husbands communicating to their wives that their parents (usually the mom) is upset about something trivial and communicating to their parents (usually the mom) that the wife is upset about something trivial. Your DH should learn to say, on the spot, that there is nothing wrong with you scheduling time with your parents because he wasn't available and he wants to be there to see his parents too, what day next week works? And then say nothing to you.

So true and comes down to lacking the emotional intelligence/willingness to do emotional labor to evaluate what he should do about it, so passing it off to his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't understand why your DH told you about this. I swear most of the problem with in-laws is from husbands communicating to their wives that their parents (usually the mom) is upset about something trivial and communicating to their parents (usually the mom) that the wife is upset about something trivial. Your DH should learn to say, on the spot, that there is nothing wrong with you scheduling time with your parents because he wasn't available and he wants to be there to see his parents too, what day next week works? And then say nothing to you.

So true and comes down to lacking the emotional intelligence/willingness to do emotional labor to evaluate what he should do about it, so passing it off to his wife.

+1. Why tell them about dinner with your parents and why tell you that she was offended. He is a low-key drama queen if he is leaving you to deal with this. If he had done his job as husband/son better, he'd have seen this coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't understand why your DH told you about this. I swear most of the problem with in-laws is from husbands communicating to their wives that their parents (usually the mom) is upset about something trivial and communicating to their parents (usually the mom) that the wife is upset about something trivial. Your DH should learn to say, on the spot, that there is nothing wrong with you scheduling time with your parents because he wasn't available and he wants to be there to see his parents too, what day next week works? And then say nothing to you.

So true and comes down to lacking the emotional intelligence/willingness to do emotional labor to evaluate what he should do about it, so passing it off to his wife.

+1. Why tell them about dinner with your parents and why tell you that she was offended. He is a low-key drama queen if he is leaving you to deal with this. If he had done his job as husband/son better, he'd have seen this coming.

+2. Why did your DH say anything about your parents? How did he think his mom would react? I’m guessing this isn’t the first granny war in your family.

[Anonymous]

NP. To be fair to OP, my husband would not see the problem either with telling about dinner with my parents because it was in the context of letting HIS mom know that any day was free because of it.

Not a drama queen, he just doesn't think two steps ahead like I do. He sees it as passing along neutral information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't understand why your DH told you about this. I swear most of the problem with in-laws is from husbands communicating to their wives that their parents (usually the mom) is upset about something trivial and communicating to their parents (usually the mom) that the wife is upset about something trivial. Your DH should learn to say, on the spot, that there is nothing wrong with you scheduling time with your parents because he wasn't available and he wants to be there to see his parents too, what day next week works? And then say nothing to you.

So true! I gave my brother this exact advice once when a family member said something to him that I knew wouldn’t go over well his wife. No good can come of telling her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. To be fair to OP, my husband would not see the problem either with telling about dinner with my parents because it was in the context of letting HIS mom know that any day was free because of it.

Not a drama queen, he just doesn't think two steps ahead like I do. He sees it as passing along neutral information.

But it's not. It's passing along drama. Leaving hurt feelings in your wake is more than 'not thinking'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she didn't say anything to you directly, ignore.

This. Not quite sure why she is upset as she just saw you. Ignore.