ADHD diagnosis as adult and parenting

[Anonymous]

Just wondering if anyone has diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and if so, how it affected your parenting. Specifically, if you began taking medication. Were you a better, more patient parent?

[Anonymous]

I was diagnosed as an adult but I was not yet married and I did not have a child. I choose to take medication, ritalin and wellbutrin, until I completed my PhD. I no longer take any medication. I did talk to my Physician about it recently and she said that there was no diagnosis on my current record. I would need to go see someone for a new evaluation.

Does it influence my parenting? Probably. I have moments were I snap too quickly. I do apologize when that happens and try to be less snappy. I can be forgetful, but I have learned to set lots of reminders (I love Alexa) and timers. I have learned to put things in a specific place so I don't lose things, and remind my DS and DH that this would be useful for them as well.

My DH does a fair amount of the school work because DS does not have ADHD or LDs and learns more like DH does. It is actually hard for me to accept. DH is able to explain things in a way that makes more sense for DS but I would love to be able to be the go too parent for these things. As a positive, DS understands that I am capable, bright, and productive even though I sometimes struggle reading to him (dylsexia). It has been humbling reading to DS. I am able to read quickly and effectively but I do read using context to figure out that the word I thought I had read could not be the right word, so it has to be a different word. Reading to a child, I have to read every word and the number of mistakes as words/letters are moving or reversing or whatever they do has been a struggle. We have used those instances to discuss how people learn differently and react differently and that is ok. DS knows it is ok to point out when I make a mistake in a kind voice, just like we do with him.

My experience with medication was that it"made" me a very different person. I was far more productive and far more focused. I got a lot more work done and made huge advances in my research. My friends, fellow grad students and friends from college and high school, all noted the increased productivity. They also noted the loss of spontaneity and impulse decisions. Some of that was positive, it allowed me to focus, and some of that was negative, I was less likely to go out and do things on the fly. I was less goofy and, well, fun. It was hard to find a medium where my focus was improved but I was still willing to drop something to go out and play ultimate Frisbee or go to the bar. It was almost like I was in the hyper focus mode of ADHD but on a permanent basis.

[Anonymous]

I've had ADHD since childhood, but did not start medication until I was an adult on my own. I only take it during the work week and don't really notice a difference in my parenting (though I only have one, so not as stressed and pulled in multiple directions as my friends), but my house would be MUCH better organized and life outside of work would be much more productive if I took more medication. It's like I spend all of my mental resources parenting and don't have enough left over to be a regular adult. I feel so much more distracted and unmotivated on the weekends and really struggle to do any tasks that aren't directly parenting related. So I write a ton of lists, married a very helpful partner that picks up the slack, and outsource a lot of cleaning and tasks that I really could do on my own. It's tough, but if you feel like your parenting is suffering, it can't hurt to try medication and stop if it's not working for you.

[Anonymous]

I have untreated ADHD (it was treated when I was young but I got off of all medication after my back teeth wore away from grinding them on ritalin). My parenting is okay, it's not great, but I've never really yelled at my kids and I try not to lose it too often (although the first two years when I had two under two, I did snap a few times at my oldest and still feel horribly guilty even after apologizing). I've actually had some folks say I was really calm and my kids were well behaved, which kind of blows my mind because I feel like we have a lot of crazy days. The main problem is getting things done. It took me 5 years to hang up photos in my house. It takes me ages to deep clean and do yardwork (although I do pick up every night and superficially clean). My garage is a disaster. I'm constantly trying to Marie Kondo shit because of my ADHD. I struggle with the motivation to put together a schedule so I do outsource my kids schooling and lessons (even though I can teach them sports and piano myself). My husband is also very patient, he constantly sends me gentle reminders to call offices and schedule appointments and things like that, but he's the one who pays the bills because otherwise we wouldn't have electricity and running water. Im also sahm, I've had trouble holding down a job for more than two years, despite high performance reviews and raises. I get bored and struggle to continue. I'm currently looking into employment that is adhd friendly. I don't think I can work in an office ever again.

[Anonymous]

My DH received an ADHD diagnosis and went on medication after our baby was born. His ADHD wasn’t obvious before kids, but it was clear that something was wrong once they were born. Medication has helped him power through work and stay on task, but it’s not perfect. From my perspective, the side effects of the right dose for work makes him more anxious and angry at home. It also doesn’t solve his attention issues at home, because he can’t take a dose too late or he won’t sleep. I think if he wasn’t medicated, the additional “distraction” of children and family life would have cost him his job if only because he would probably have become overwhelmed and just froze in place. But with medication, he still doesn’t have the executive functioning skills or emotional balance that I personally think are required to parent.

Medication is just one piece of the puzzle. I think real success in our personal situation would be an ADHD partner willing to really commit to a strict routine, executive functioning coaching, and a pretty simple lifestyle. My partner finds schedules oppressive and thinks only dull people stick to routines, so our life is chaos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was diagnosed as an adult but I was not yet married and I did not have a child. I choose to take medication, ritalin and wellbutrin, until I completed my PhD. I no longer take any medication. I did talk to my Physician about it recently and she said that there was no diagnosis on my current record. I would need to go see someone for a new evaluation.

Does it influence my parenting? Probably. I have moments were I snap too quickly. I do apologize when that happens and try to be less snappy. I can be forgetful, but I have learned to set lots of reminders (I love Alexa) and timers. I have learned to put things in a specific place so I don't lose things, and remind my DS and DH that this would be useful for them as well.

My DH does a fair amount of the school work because DS does not have ADHD or LDs and learns more like DH does. It is actually hard for me to accept. DH is able to explain things in a way that makes more sense for DS but I would love to be able to be the go too parent for these things. As a positive, DS understands that I am capable, bright, and productive even though I sometimes struggle reading to him (dylsexia). It has been humbling reading to DS. I am able to read quickly and effectively but I do read using context to figure out that the word I thought I had read could not be the right word, so it has to be a different word. Reading to a child, I have to read every word and the number of mistakes as words/letters are moving or reversing or whatever they do has been a struggle. We have used those instances to discuss how people learn differently and react differently and that is ok. DS knows it is ok to point out when I make a mistake in a kind voice, just like we do with him.

My experience with medication was that it"made" me a very different person. I was far more productive and far more focused. I got a lot more work done and made huge advances in my research. My friends, fellow grad students and friends from college and high school, all noted the increased productivity. They also noted the loss of spontaneity and impulse decisions. Some of that was positive, it allowed me to focus, and some of that was negative, I was less likely to go out and do things on the fly. I was less goofy and, well, fun. It was hard to find a medium where my focus was improved but I was still willing to drop something to go out and play ultimate Frisbee or go to the bar. It was almost like I was in the hyper focus mode of ADHD but on a permanent basis.

My H got diagnosed together with my DS and he said the same thing- more focused and productive. I don’t have to repeat myself as much and he's also calmer.

[Anonymous]

To 21:28, the spouse with an ADHD DH -- you mentioned that executive coach functioning might help. I've been recently Dxed with ADHD, inattentive, and am curious about coaching. I'm scared my DH will think it's frivolous and if it doesn't work, he'll think I got scammed. What makes you supportive of this route for your DH? Thank you for sharing your story!