Major direspect from 16 year old

[Anonymous]

I don't know how to deal with my 16 year old son anymore. Sometimes, I feel like packing him up and shipping him to his father, which wouldn't really be wise considering his father isn't much of a parent. I have a 4 1/2 year old and 21 month old, as well as expecting another one, and am just plain exhausted. My son NEVER offers to help around the house, will only do something when asked and when he feels like it and just thinks the world evolves around him. He values his tv, PS3, computer and phone more than the rest of the family. I have taken away those items at times but his behavior never improves for very long.

With my pregnancy hormones, anger and frustration are coming out more and more with him and at times I feel like going into a rage and just breaking all his stuff. I'm so tired of the backtalk, outright disrespect and utter laziness. His room is a pigsty and he won't clean it up. He leaves trash and dishes laying all over the floor and it's just disgusting. He is not setting a good example at all for the younger two and does not care at all. He expects everything to be handed to him on a silver platter and never asks for anything anymore, just demands it. Instead of asking for a ride to go out, he tells me he needs a ride. Instead of asking if he can go somewhere, he tells me he is going out. Oh yeah, and he thinks he is going to get his license as soon as he can and start driving. I think not! Not when he has no respect for anyone or anything and insurance for him alone would be $2200/year!

So, is there anyone else out there dealing with such a disrespectful teenage son? How do you deal with it?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, to me he sounds more like a typical teen than a majorly disrespectful one, not that that helps when you're in the midst of dealing with him. But don't ALL teens act like the world revolves around them?

[Anonymous]

OMG - I feel your pain! I have a 17 year old DD; an almost 4 year DS and 25 month DS. She doesn't help either around the house, and when asked, it is like pulling teeth and there is disrespectful arguing. You would think the my daughter would want to help with her younger brothers, but NOT. For example, since the Nanny couldn't make it today, and DD was home from school, I asked if she could help watch the boys while I worked from home (I work full-time). She complained the whole 2 hours and I finally said she could just go out w/ her friend because I was so tired of hearing her complain. BTW - Her car insurance is also threw the roof (I think around $1,900 year). At least with her, we only have a few months left and then college! We told her there is no way she is staying at home and going to a local college. If she can't get into a good college (she is late on applying), then she needs to either get a roommate and go locally or join the military. I know this sounds mean, but she needs self discipline, that unfortunately I am too tired to deal with and have my hands full with the young ones.

[Anonymous]

I think 15:21 is right- I would get some books on teens at the library. I always feel better after I read those and run proclaiming to DH that yes, DD is supposed to be this big of a pain in the A**. Something about hearing its normal helps me.

Maybe you can use this milestone to motivate him a bit, and maybe he will rise to the occasion.

Does he have a job? At 16 he should be earning some of his own money to pay for some of these things.

My friend's parents in high school had the kids pay 25% of their car insurance, then 50%, then 75%, then 100% increasing the interval in 6 month cycles, so eventually the kid was paying the full cost of car insurance by the time they moved out of the house. Seems reasonable and keeps them motivated not to get a ticket.

I would take him to meet with your insurance agent and have your agent present the increases that result from ticket, etc and provide a policy quote to add him on. Let DS know if he wants to start driving soon, you will expect his participation in the cost financially, and you will expect X, Y, Z around the house. And then hold him to it. Don't sign up for the insurance until he has saved the money.

I would do baby steps though. I wouldn't give him all at once.

I think I would try to let go some of the other stuff if you can. As far as role model for the kids, eh, it would be nice, but the bar might be a bit too high there. He does need to be a respectful member of the household though. Not perfect, but respectful.

[Anonymous]

first of all, do not feel attacked as if the world revolves around you. Your child young or teen need your respect. What did you do since they were little to raise them as compassionate adults? did you leave that in the hand of others? What is the example that YOU set for him/her. If there is such a big difference in your children ages I suspect they are from different partners. That is fine, but it is not your older child responsibility to her for the younger siblings. In any case, it is your responsibility to plan ahead and not get your self in situations that later will affect everyone in your family, like childcare and the expectation that your older child has to take care of the younger ones. Yes, you were asking that for only one time, but then it is 2 or 3 or 4 and then your inability to organize your life falls in your children shoulders. Whatever you see in your kids is a reflexion of what you have done. You have constructed the image of your own children. So what you see in them;lazyness, dirtiness etc is what you have planted in them. Okay, not 100% let's say maybe 70% is your responsibility. It is too late to "solve" your problem as your child is not going to change, is not going to feel any compassion towards you unless you change and reflect on what you have done. This is actually harder as you have more years of construction than your child therefore you will be expecting him/her to change or do something to alleviate your stress because, just like you think of him, the world revolves around you and everyone needs to feel your pain.
Your kid is only 16 and I hope he finds his way in life and gets inspired and enlightened out there. If he does, he might come back to you one day and love you. Not for what you did or the sacrifices you might have done in his name, but because he understood where you were coming from. yes, out of pity.
good luck

[Anonymous]

15:21 here again. I totally, totally disagree with the pp blaming you. My parents were great parents, and I was a "good" kid and yet was lazy, resentful of any responsibility, grouchy, morose, etc., as a teen. Then I grew up and became a responsible adult who is grateful to my parents. This is not about you, it's about your kid being a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:first of all, do not feel attacked as if the world revolves around you. Your child young or teen need your respect. What did you do since they were little to raise them as compassionate adults? did you leave that in the hand of others? What is the example that YOU set for him/her. If there is such a big difference in your children ages I suspect they are from different partners. That is fine, but it is not your older child responsibility to her for the younger siblings. In any case, it is your responsibility to plan ahead and not get your self in situations that later will affect everyone in your family, like childcare and the expectation that your older child has to take care of the younger ones. Yes, you were asking that for only one time, but then it is 2 or 3 or 4 and then your inability to organize your life falls in your children shoulders. Whatever you see in your kids is a reflexion of what you have done. You have constructed the image of your own children. So what you see in them;lazyness, dirtiness etc is what you have planted in them. Okay, not 100% let's say maybe 70% is your responsibility. It is too late to "solve" your problem as your child is not going to change, is not going to feel any compassion towards you unless you change and reflect on what you have done. This is actually harder as you have more years of construction than your child therefore you will be expecting him/her to change or do something to alleviate your stress because, just like you think of him, the world revolves around you and everyone needs to feel your pain.
Your kid is only 16 and I hope he finds his way in life and gets inspired and enlightened out there. If he does, he might come back to you one day and love you. Not for what you did or the sacrifices you might have done in his name, but because he understood where you were coming from. yes, out of pity.
good luck

Who are you?

[Anonymous]

I think you're mixing a couple of different issues, and therefore struggling to deal. A few upfront observations
-- 16yr olds are notoriously self-centered and difficult pretty much as a rule. So your's isn't necessarily unique in that regard. They won't ever offer to help around the house, so don't have unreasonable expectations.
-- Expecting good behavior simply to be a role model to young siblings isn't going to happen. In fact, having small children in the house may be leading to a teen feeling frustrated or ignored or what-have-you, especially if the younger kids are a product of a second marriage.


That being said, I don't think expecting basic respect, participation in the household and boundary setting is unreasonable.
What are your household rules for doing chores, earning allowance, curfews, etc...? Expectations and consequences are very important and allow both parents and teen to have a sense of clarity over what will happen. When it comes to demands...simple, don't just give in. I regularly would say "I don't respond to demands. sorry" and very quickly my teen learned how to ask politely or even to say "If I do X [eg a chore, or his homework], would you drive me/do for me/allow me to do Y later?" Talking about driver's license, driving, insurance, etc... should be done ahead of time. How do you feel about it? Do you want him to earn his own gas or insurance or car payment money? What are the rules for using the car or the requirements for even getting his license? Have those conversations calmly...know ahead of time what your bottom lines are, and then be willing to negotiate.

Reading your post, you sound frustrated and angry, and so does your teen. How do you break that cycle? Are there certain battles that you can let go? One might be his room - just close the door. At the same time, do some self-assessment, how much of your time do you devote in a positive way to your teen? Granted, most kids that age aren't exactly eager to spend time with their parents, but there are opportunities for positive exchanges? Otherwise, in addition to normal teen attitude, he may be feeling like you want to ship him off to his dad...unwelcome and pushed aside in favor of your "new" family.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Who are you?

Why? you do not like what I wrote?
I am a 16 year old kid whose mom thinks I think the world revolves around me, but it is just the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're mixing a couple of different issues, and therefore struggling to deal. A few upfront observations
-- 16yr olds are notoriously self-centered and difficult pretty much as a rule. So your's isn't necessarily unique in that regard. They won't ever offer to help around the house, so don't have unreasonable expectations.
-- Expecting good behavior simply to be a role model to young siblings isn't going to happen. In fact, having small children in the house may be leading to a teen feeling frustrated or ignored or what-have-you, especially if the younger kids are a product of a second marriage.


That being said, I don't think expecting basic respect, participation in the household and boundary setting is unreasonable.
What are your household rules for doing chores, earning allowance, curfews, etc...? Expectations and consequences are very important and allow both parents and teen to have a sense of clarity over what will happen. When it comes to demands...simple, don't just give in. I regularly would say "I don't respond to demands. sorry" and very quickly my teen learned how to ask politely or even to say "If I do X [eg a chore, or his homework], would you drive me/do for me/allow me to do Y later?" Talking about driver's license, driving, insurance, etc... should be done ahead of time. How do you feel about it? Do you want him to earn his own gas or insurance or car payment money? What are the rules for using the car or the requirements for even getting his license? Have those conversations calmly...know ahead of time what your bottom lines are, and then be willing to negotiate.

Reading your post, you sound frustrated and angry, and so does your teen. How do you break that cycle? Are there certain battles that you can let go? One might be his room - just close the door. At the same time, do some self-assessment, how much of your time do you devote in a positive way to your teen? Granted, most kids that age aren't exactly eager to spend time with their parents, but there are opportunities for positive exchanges? Otherwise, in addition to normal teen attitude, he may be feeling like you want to ship him off to his dad...unwelcome and pushed aside in favor of your "new" family.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

All very very good advice. We do something similar with demands in our house. Sometimes DD will text me with a demand. I will ignore her and when she calls to ask again later I will ask her to reconsider how she asked me if she wants to do it. Otherwise, no. It works if you can just be calm and hold your ground.

I think the info on positivity is key. When your son does ANYTHING that you like, no matter how small, I would reinforce it.

Finally, I am obsessed with Carl for the adolescent years. I like these columns a lot: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:first of all, do not feel attacked as if the world revolves around you. Your child young or teen need your respect. What did you do since they were little to raise them as compassionate adults? did you leave that in the hand of others? What is the example that YOU set for him/her. If there is such a big difference in your children ages I suspect they are from different partners. That is fine, but it is not your older child responsibility to her for the younger siblings. In any case, it is your responsibility to plan ahead and not get your self in situations that later will affect everyone in your family, like childcare and the expectation that your older child has to take care of the younger ones. Yes, you were asking that for only one time, but then it is 2 or 3 or 4 and then your inability to organize your life falls in your children shoulders. Whatever you see in your kids is a reflexion of what you have done. You have constructed the image of your own children. So what you see in them;lazyness, dirtiness etc is what you have planted in them. Okay, not 100% let's say maybe 70% is your responsibility. It is too late to "solve" your problem as your child is not going to change, is not going to feel any compassion towards you unless you change and reflect on what you have done. This is actually harder as you have more years of construction than your child therefore you will be expecting him/her to change or do something to alleviate your stress because, just like you think of him, the world revolves around you and everyone needs to feel your pain.
Your kid is only 16 and I hope he finds his way in life and gets inspired and enlightened out there. If he does, he might come back to you one day and love you. Not for what you did or the sacrifices you might have done in his name, but because he understood where you were coming from. yes, out of pity.
good luck

I'm confused. Who are you actually addressing? The OP who has a teen son or the poster after her who has a teen daughter who she asked to watch the kids. Your post is actually kind of funny and inaccurate. Teen behavior is not always a reflection of how they were brought up. I would not even say 70%. It doesn't sound like you even know what you are talking about, so I'm assuming you don't even have a teenager. Please don't respond if you don't have expereince.

[Anonymous]

No need to be confused and if you still are that is fine. To clarify, in a medium like this you may give your opinion whenever you wish and others should read it and respond if they wish too. I would never ask (I like that PP asked politely) not to respond. If you find my responses "funny" and "inaccurate" that is fine with me, I won't try to make you think differently but I'll say my point of view.
AnD PP is right, I do not have a teenager. However, I am very close in age to remember what it was to be a teenager, many people forget.
PP is also right when saying that teen behavior is not ALWAYS a reflection of how they were brought up the point of debate would be the 70%. Where else did you find innacuraces? I do not care for your responses just use that to reflect on your parenting style.
I was recently in a get-together with friends and there was this toddler complaining and acting up, it was 9pm at night and the mother was annoyed and did not know what to do and was telling others how hher child had become a whinier and complainer. Inmmediately blaming the child. I asked her if the kid has had a nap and she said "no because we had to go somewhere and then it was too late and I had to go do this and that. He has slept only 20 minnutes in our way here" It was 9pm and no nap, how respectful is that? but she did not say, "it is my fault, I drag him around all day and did not allow him to take a nap and rest comfortably".
Concious parenting does not mean you will give up your rights as a parent and just indulge your kids to meet theirs. It is mainly respecting a young life. Most likely you will be raising compassionate adults. Nurture and nature. There are sometimes cases that just go bad no matter what parents do.
But OP it seems like your teen is not getting into trouble, no drugs, no negative friendships right?
The movie "The White Ribbon proposes the theory that the root of racism was fed earlier in the way children were treated. It is about cruelty with which children were treated in a small German Village. Food for thought.
There is also another study that says that you can be a extremely bad, abusive parent and your kid still can turn into a fine citizen. Humans are just as resilient.

[Anonymous]

correction in my PP, I meant the root of Nazism not Racism.

[Anonymous]

don't be too hard onhim, you did create him and allow him to do nothing in the house. Does he work or did you buy his cloths, computer etc.. take control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:first of all, do not feel attacked as if the world revolves around you. Your child young or teen need your respect. What did you do since they were little to raise them as compassionate adults? did you leave that in the hand of others? What is the example that YOU set for him/her. If there is such a big difference in your children ages I suspect they are from different partners. That is fine, but it is not your older child responsibility to her for the younger siblings. In any case, it is your responsibility to plan ahead and not get your self in situations that later will affect everyone in your family, like childcare and the expectation that your older child has to take care of the younger ones. Yes, you were asking that for only one time, but then it is 2 or 3 or 4 and then your inability to organize your life falls in your children shoulders. Whatever you see in your kids is a reflexion of what you have done. You have constructed the image of your own children. So what you see in them;lazyness, dirtiness etc is what you have planted in them. Okay, not 100% let's say maybe 70% is your responsibility. It is too late to "solve" your problem as your child is not going to change, is not going to feel any compassion towards you unless you change and reflect on what you have done. This is actually harder as you have more years of construction than your child therefore you will be expecting him/her to change or do something to alleviate your stress because, just like you think of him, the world revolves around you and everyone needs to feel your pain.
Your kid is only 16 and I hope he finds his way in life and gets inspired and enlightened out there. If he does, he might come back to you one day and love you. Not for what you did or the sacrifices you might have done in his name, but because he understood where you were coming from. yes, out of pity.
good luck

16:46 here. OP never mentioned about getting her DS to watch the younger ones, it was me, PP 16:46 who mentioned it. Not that it matters, but since you ASSUMED, you should know you ASSUMED WRONG. SAME father for all of my children, even though there is a 13 year difference; and regardless, helping family encourages discipline, compassion and teamwork!! I cannot believe how rude and demoralizing your posting is, which provided absolutely no encouragement or advice for OP. Shame on you!