Why do some friends do this?

[Anonymous]

I have debated posting this for a while but this has happened with a few different friends over the years and I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

It always follows the same pattern.

Every now and then, it seems like I meet a person who I really "click" with. Conversation is easy and flows well. We continue talking and a friendship begins. At some point, plans are discussed to do a specific activity. The plans usually involve being invited over to this person's home for a specific activity, like going swimming in their pool or having dinner. Some details are discussed, maybe even what time might be best but no date is set.

The plans never happen. I still see the friend in the meantime for other activities. Like maybe they are in my area and ask to stop by, or I invite them to my house/meet for lunch somewhere but I'm never actually invited to their home except for maybe group gatherings. I never mention the plans because I wouldn't want to invite myself over. I can see through social media other mutual friends *are* invited to this person's home though, for similar types of activities, not a group gathering.

Why does this happen? What am I doing wrong?

[Anonymous]

Invite them in a group setting with mutual friends. That is what they are comfortable doing.

[Anonymous]

I usually meet friends one on one for lunch. I can’t remember inviting one person over. If I am going to entertain in my house, I will have more than one person.

[Anonymous]

I do this sometimes. This Pandemic and whose following what rules have made it hard so I’ve decided to wait to host others at home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the first one-on-one hang out with a new friend can be hard for everyone. If people are discussing hanging out one-on-one with you but it's not materializing, I would just invite them to do something one-on-one and see how they respond, instead of waiting for them to make an invitation that never seems to materialize.

If they say yes and you hang out, I would bet they will invite you over because now that's something you do. If they never accept your invitation, then you can just move on from the friendship. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, I just think making adult friends can be awkward sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I would do first (few) one on ones as getting a cup of coffee outdoor cafe, a walk, something not at someone's house. Like a first date, you want something that has a finite amount of time attached to it, and can easily end.

I've invited people over for a cup of coffee or glass of wine (pre-pandemic) and it can be hard to get them to leave. So now, cafe.