Considering moving in with in-laws for covid childcare

[Anonymous]

My in-laws have offered to watch our three elementary school age children and help with their distance learning, and we're considering moving in with them to make that possible. My husband and I both work full-time, and while we are lucky to both (currently) be able to work from home, we both have lots of meetings, so we don't have much time flexibility on when we do our work. This spring and summer have been really hard, and it doesn't feel sustainable to try to supervise our children's distance learning (or even continue to supervise our children in general) while also doing work. My in-laws are generally good people, and it has worked well when we have vacationed with them in the past.

Has anyone done something similar? If so, any advice?

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Why can't the kids just stay with them during the day and be picked up each evening? What's the point of moving in? Where do they live vs you?

[Anonymous]

I would do this. But, some advice based on my experience with ILs providing childcare for 5 years --

Be honest when evaluating whether your ILs can handle full time childcare. Mine cannot any longer, even though they are healthy youngish people. It's just a lot, and they want to relax in their retirement.

You still have to be the parent -- disciplinarian, planner, etc. IME it's bad for your ILs' relationship with the kids if they are torn between being the indulgent grandma and the one making kids do homework they don't want to do. So you won't be able to check out like when the kids are at school/daycare.

Nothing is free. You will need to spend time on maintaining that relationship.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't the kids just stay with them during the day and be picked up each evening? What's the point of moving in? Where do they live vs you?

OP here. Thanks for the question. I should have clarified that they aren't close enough for us to commute to them daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do this. But, some advice based on my experience with ILs providing childcare for 5 years --

Be honest when evaluating whether your ILs can handle full time childcare. Mine cannot any longer, even though they are healthy youngish people. It's just a lot, and they want to relax in their retirement.

You still have to be the parent -- disciplinarian, planner, etc. IME it's bad for your ILs' relationship with the kids if they are torn between being the indulgent grandma and the one making kids do homework they don't want to do. So you won't be able to check out like when the kids are at school/daycare.

Nothing is free. You will need to spend time on maintaining that relationship.

Good luck!

Thanks! I appreciate you sharing your experience. Those are good suggestions.

[Anonymous]

We did this in the spring, but it was with my parents and 2 preschoolers. It went well! It’s good to have the help but I agree with the PP that you will still have to step in and supervise/enforce/relieve during the day. Also it’s important to be clear on house rules, who buys groceries, cooking, and cleaning responsibilities so resentment is kept to a minimum. It’s totally worth it to get extra help from people you love, but you also need to approach it like a roommate situation so you don’t drive each other nuts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did this in the spring, but it was with my parents and 2 preschoolers. It went well! It’s good to have the help but I agree with the PP that you will still have to step in and supervise/enforce/relieve during the day. Also it’s important to be clear on house rules, who buys groceries, cooking, and cleaning responsibilities so resentment is kept to a minimum. It’s totally worth it to get extra help from people you love, but you also need to approach it like a roommate situation so you don’t drive each other nuts!

Thanks! I appreciate the advice.

[Anonymous]

One of my coworkers just did this. They moved halfway across the country to live with her ILs so they can help with childcare while she and her DH telework.

[Anonymous]

I am skeptical that they really have the energy to care for and educate three elementary-age children long-term. Why not have them take the kids for an extended Labor Day weekend? It will give you guys a break and you can catch up on work. Repeat for October. Then Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Our friends did this -- 2 young elementary-age kids. They all got tested before they moved there, and didn't interact with anyone between the time they got tested and the time they moved in with the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my coworkers just did this. They moved halfway across the country to live with her ILs so they can help with childcare while she and her DH telework.

OP here. Thanks! Have you heard anything about how it is going for them so far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical that they really have the energy to care for and educate three elementary-age children long-term. Why not have them take the kids for an extended Labor Day weekend? It will give you guys a break and you can catch up on work. Repeat for October. Then Thanksgiving.

That's an interesting option to consider. Because we don't have much flexibility in the timing for our work, it wouldn't give us a whole lot of ability to catch up, but it would be a way to test out the option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical that they really have the energy to care for and educate three elementary-age children long-term. Why not have them take the kids for an extended Labor Day weekend? It will give you guys a break and you can catch up on work. Repeat for October. Then Thanksgiving.

That's an interesting option to consider. Because we don't have much flexibility in the timing for our work, it wouldn't give us a whole lot of ability to catch up, but it would be a way to test out the option.

If they fall behind by a day or two you could probably catch them up on schoolwork pretty easily. It's okay to miss a day or two of school for family reasons, just like in normal times.

[Anonymous]

Are your inlaws going to social distance? I know someone who did this, and then the parents decided they were fed up with staying at home so my friend had to move back here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your inlaws going to social distance? I know someone who did this, and then the parents decided they were fed up with staying at home so my friend had to move back here.

Great question. Both the in-laws and us are social distancing similarly--seeing friends with masks at a distance outside, but no indoor gatherings.