Considering moving in with in-laws for covid childcare

[Anonymous]

We are on month two of living with my parents and it is going ok overall. My husband and I are so much more effective at work now that we have help and our bosses are good with us continuing to telework through the end of 2021.

My job is less intense than my husbands, so I will oversee the school organization. We split up monitoring school and helping out between the four adults based upon schedules, as we are all working.

For us, the real help has been on chores and meals. I’m in charge of one meal a week, the rest my mom handles. She also deals with all the local shopping and I do everything online. That has been a huge relief for me.

We try to have a family meeting every Saturday to talk about what is working and identify one thing a week to work on.

We also did a trial run of 6 weeks before we decided to stay longer.

[Anonymous]

I would do it in a heartbeat. It will take some adjustment obviously but I can do just about anything for my kids. They will be in the care of the people who raised the man you love so they must have done something right. It sounds like they're coming from the right place. Perhaps set up some regular times for a family meeting where the four of you sit down to talk specifically about what is working and what is not working. When my FIL moved in with us (for different reasons than yours OP), that's what we did.

[Anonymous]

Op, you do what you have to do. Be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Definitely be open to reassessing based on how it's going. DH's sister and her husband took my ILs up on the offer of housing and help with the kids (1 and 4) in March in NY and stayed for a couple of months. DH and I also took our kids up to visit this summer and the 10 day visit turned into a month due to some unforeseen issues (death in the family, spike in covid in our home state). MIL is a wonderful and amazingly maternal person and it was clear that while she would never turn any of her children away she was also very worn down from always having someone in her space.

We all tried to help with cooking, cleaning, etc but she just wasn't used to having kids things *always* around and after a while it got very draining.

[Anonymous]

Someone I know just did this then their boss figured out they had moved far away and got upset. Something about still wanting them near the office for a "quick huddle" if he happened to feel like it. They're currently having to move back. As long as your boss isn't an idiot like this it sounds like a fine idea

[Anonymous]

As a grandparent I think the novelty would wear down fast. Can you return home on weekends to give them a break? We love when our children and grandchildren visit but after a week we are ready for some peace and quiet.

[Anonymous]

We did that this summer, with plans to return before school starts. It was my parents, so my husband's in-laws. There are definitely advantages and disadvantages -- they have a huge yard, the kids could run around and swim, they had lots of grandparent time, the childcare part was great, I genuinely love spending time with my parents, etc.

The downsides are that you are living in someone else's space, and that can be hard on both sides. There's a lot of accommodating that has to happen -- meal planning, cleaning, privacy, etc. You will be interfering in their daily lives. They might love their grandkids to pieces and still end up too tired to handle childcare for weeks on end. You have to compromise on things like discipline and routine. You can't back off of parenting, but you also have to let them do things their way.

It worked out well for us because my parents and my spouse are both pretty direct, not easily offended, and genuinely like each other. If there are any issues with your in-laws, however, they will be unavoidable.

[Anonymous]

My MIL came to live with us for 3.5 months, then we took her home and stayed at her place for 2 weeks.

My MIL is a very patient and pleasant person. She's disorganized, but genuinely helpful. I got A LOT more work done in my own home than I did in her home. It's really hard to be a guest in someone's home and expect them to go above and beyond to watch your kids while you're a guest in their home. I found that part of it to be very stressful. Like...it's just harder to make meals in someone else's house. No one sleeps as well, you're living out of suitcases, and people get on each other's nerves.

Honestly, I'd bring them to you if you have the choice.

[Anonymous]

Great idea. However, remember if they are providing childcare while you work...you will need to provide cooking, cleaning for everyone and supervision to kids when you are not working. You don't want them to fall sick because they go from cooking and cleaning for two elderly people to now cooking and cleaning for 5 more people, three of them kids.

[Anonymous]

I would do it if it worked for our family.

I have to go in occasionally, so I can't pick up and move 2000 miles. Plus, my MIL is still working (nursing!) and my mom is an admin in at a university and is in person again. Both in red states... So, no, it doesn't work for us.

Also, I would not expect 8 hours straight of childcare from my parents. It would probably be something like what my spouse and I do with shifts, except now there are more people in the shift rotation. Even just 15 or 20 hours a week of childcare would be a game changer. (My kid still naps.)

[Anonymous]

I'd rather have my parents or inlaws move in with us. But then again, we have a larger home and all our kid's stuff is here. There's only one guest bedroom there and we have 3 kids plus us.

[Anonymous]

I want to do this, but am worried about leaving our house for 5 months. What will you do with your DC residence if you move?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to do this, but am worried about leaving our house for 5 months. What will you do with your DC residence if you move?

We left our house for 1.5 months this summer. We had various groups of friends come and stay at our house for a weekend, up to a week. Even a short get away into a different space (and our house has a yard!) was a welcome change for some of our friends. Mutually beneficial.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, everyone. These are lots of good things to consider. I really appreciate you sharing your ideas and experience. And thank you for keeping this thread so positive!

I'll check back later if anyone else has suggestions to share.

[Anonymous]

We did this in the spring and it was fine overall. The biggest annoyance was just living in someone else’s home and having two extra people around 24/7. Overall it was helpful to have an extra set of hands, and they have a phenomenal backyard and live near a beach so we were really happy to have the outdoors. Here is my advice:

- since they offered to help with childcare and schooling find out what that means to them. My ILs offered the same but my MIL, who still works, was also on Zoom meetings on and off throughout the day so she was only available to help when she wasn’t working. FIL is not so helpful, but was good with homework which was a pleasant surprise. At the end of the day it felt like they were only really helping out for an hour or so each day.

- make sure you are on the same page about Covid precautions. My in-laws GI to friends’ houses for dinner regularly since “they are all being safe.” I swear FIL went to the grocery store to escape every other day.