My mom constantly complains!

[Anonymous]

Every time I talk to her or take my kids to see her, she's always complaining how messed up her life is. She got divorced when I was younger, never remarried or had more kids like she wanted so that's a complaint. She also complains about how my dad ruined her life by cheating on her and leaving her and he has a "happy ending". She also complains about how much she hates her job, but she can't afford to retire. She also hates that all she can afford is a two bedroom condo and doesn't have enough space for her grandkids to come play and how my dad lives in a big mansion (which he doesn't). She also complains about how she doesn't hear from her friends anymore and how she could be dead, but they would never know because they can't be bothered to pick up the phone and return her calls. She told me all she has in life are me and kids. I feel bad for her, but at the same time, her complaining is driving me crazy! I don't know what to do about it! Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Have you told her to stop?

[Anonymous]

She might be depressed, or is just a negative, miserable person.

Redirect, as you would with a toddler.

Her: life is so unfair. your dad is living this wonderful life but he's the one who ruined mine.
You: that was a long time ago. Have you seen any good movies lately? Twister is on Prime and you'd like it.

Her: my friends never call me.
You: I bet they'd love to hear from you. Hey I picked up some really fresh blue berries the other day and plan to make ice cream tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told her to stop?

+1

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same (has a great life!) - only better after dr prescribed antidepressants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be depressed, or is just a negative, miserable person.

Redirect, as you would with a toddler.

Her: life is so unfair. your dad is living this wonderful life but he's the one who ruined mine.
You: that was a long time ago. Have you seen any good movies lately? Twister is on Prime and you'd like it.

Her: my friends never call me.
You: I bet they'd love to hear from you. Hey I picked up some really fresh blue berries the other day and plan to make ice cream tonight.

It’s fine to do this a few times, but it likely won’t have much impact on someone like OP’s mom who is very negative. She’s not going to pick up those subtle cues. Eventually, OP is going to have to spell it out for her mom and say “Mom, you’ve gotten really negative recently. Every time I’m with you, you’re always complaining and it’s hard for me.”

[Anonymous]

Reading some of Henry Cloud's work on Boundaries may be helpful.

My mom is also quite negative and dramatic. I have had to learn to detach from her/her issues, only engage when i have the energy to not be sucked into that tidal wave, and accept who she is but not let it weigh me down.

There is a strategy I've heard recommended for use with teenagers being highly dramatic - the vast majority of your replies should be "Cool," "That sucks," or "Wow." Obviously that is oversimplified and you can't do that with serious conversations, but the day-to-day whining and complaining? Low engagement with set replies that don't require mental energy from you.

I've tried it with my mother when she is in one of her tizzies (which can last an hour or can last months and really be a phase) and it works BEAUTIFULLY. Especially over text. Even in person or on the phone, I would have thought it would seem uncaring but all she is doing is running her mouth to hear herself talk. I preserve my own energy, she kind of wears herself out, and it didn't become a bigger issue

[Anonymous]

(Cont) that it often becomes when i try to give advice or help her solve her problems. Not what she wanted.

I also found it helpful to find a subject to connect on that isn't related to those complaints. I specifically started watching a certain TV show my mom likes (i do enjoy it too), so we have that to talk about as a neutral non-drama topic. Of course there is still some complaining from her ("they delayed the show because of covid! Im miserable without a new season!" -- I reply "Yeah that sucks."), but for the most part it has worked out nicely.

[Anonymous]

Lol @ the suggestions to tell her to stop.

I mean, sure, try it, maybe she is an outlier. But my experience is that becomes one more complaint for most people like this. They may cut it out for awhile (more likely direct it to someone else and complain but you), but the negativity is so ingrained in their thinking patterns it comes back pretty quickly. You can't change someone, you just have to manage how their behaviors impact you either through limiting amount of contact, topics, or some personal zen of your own to be able to let the complaining happen and then roll off your back. Meditation cam be helpful with learning to allow a thought to be present and not be stressed out by it.

[Anonymous]

I have a serious suggestion that might annoy the crap out of her, but breaks the moment regardless. It worked for me:

You have to keep doing it for a while, and get sillier:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of Henry Cloud's work on Boundaries may be helpful.

My mom is also quite negative and dramatic. I have had to learn to detach from her/her issues, only engage when i have the energy to not be sucked into that tidal wave, and accept who she is but not let it weigh me down.

There is a strategy I've heard recommended for use with teenagers being highly dramatic - the vast majority of your replies should be "Cool," "That sucks," or "Wow." Obviously that is oversimplified and you can't do that with serious conversations, but the day-to-day whining and complaining? Low engagement with set replies that don't require mental energy from you.

I've tried it with my mother when she is in one of her tizzies (which can last an hour or can last months and really be a phase) and it works BEAUTIFULLY. Especially over text. Even in person or on the phone, I would have thought it would seem uncaring but all she is doing is running her mouth to hear herself talk. I preserve my own energy, she kind of wears herself out, and it didn't become a bigger issue

This works. She won't stop complaining, necessarily, but the complaints won't bother you as much. "Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Oh, mom!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of Henry Cloud's work on Boundaries may be helpful.

My mom is also quite negative and dramatic. I have had to learn to detach from her/her issues, only engage when i have the energy to not be sucked into that tidal wave, and accept who she is but not let it weigh me down.

There is a strategy I've heard recommended for use with teenagers being highly dramatic - the vast majority of your replies should be "Cool," "That sucks," or "Wow." Obviously that is oversimplified and you can't do that with serious conversations, but the day-to-day whining and complaining? Low engagement with set replies that don't require mental energy from you.

I've tried it with my mother when she is in one of her tizzies (which can last an hour or can last months and really be a phase) and it works BEAUTIFULLY. Especially over text. Even in person or on the phone, I would have thought it would seem uncaring but all she is doing is running her mouth to hear herself talk. I preserve my own energy, she kind of wears herself out, and it didn't become a bigger issue

This works. She won't stop complaining, necessarily, but the complaints won't bother you as much. "Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Oh, mom!"

Yes, they will!

[Anonymous]

"mom, you sound really unhappy. I want you to enjoy life more. I once tried a therapist and it really helped me to appreciate life more. I hope you will consider it."

Of course my mother would rip you a new one for bringing it up, but she might shut up with the complaining for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reading some of Henry Cloud's work on Boundaries may be helpful.

My mom is also quite negative and dramatic. I have had to learn to detach from her/her issues, only engage when i have the energy to not be sucked into that tidal wave, and accept who she is but not let it weigh me down.

There is a strategy I've heard recommended for use with teenagers being highly dramatic - the vast majority of your replies should be "Cool," "That sucks," or "Wow." Obviously that is oversimplified and you can't do that with serious conversations, but the day-to-day whining and complaining? Low engagement with set replies that don't require mental energy from you.

I've tried it with my mother when she is in one of her tizzies (which can last an hour or can last months and really be a phase) and it works BEAUTIFULLY. Especially over text. Even in person or on the phone, I would have thought it would seem uncaring but all she is doing is running her mouth to hear herself talk. I preserve my own energy, she kind of wears herself out, and it didn't become a bigger issue

This works. She won't stop complaining, necessarily, but the complaints won't bother you as much. "Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Oh, mom!"

Yes, they will!

I don't think they will. Part of why it's draining is that you are probably trying a) to make her feel better b) helping her fix the problems or c) some combo of the two.

Just accept that NO MATTER what you say, she'll be unhappy and vocal. So stop trying to defend or fix or counsel. Just "uh huh" her into submission. What she seeks is a fight or validation that she's right. If you give her NEITHER she may look elsewhere to vent that.

My MIL is the same way. She really wants to stoke drama sometimes. I used to sometimes take the bait, or worse, I'd clam up. Now i just go "uh huh" or "interesting" or "yeah" and eventually she finds a new target or shuts up.

[Anonymous]

Great advice from the PP^

I have found that minimal responses from me and redirecting/changing the subject helps a LOT. When she does get on a tear, I just uh-huh it to the end and in my head, remind myself that she complains because she doesn’t see the power she has in her own life, and it’s very sad. I think she would benefit from therapy, but she won’t go. I’m not going to change her, but I have changed ME (in therapy) and I no longer get personally involved in her complaints. I don’t offer suggestions or comments beyond affirming that I am listening and I can see she’s upset.