Sibling rivalry- how to foster good relationships?

[Anonymous]

I am getting increasingly worried about my oldest (5 years old) and how jealous she gets of her 3 year old sister and 5 month old brother. She was relatively fine before we had the baby but lately she has been saying that she is stupid and we don’t love her as much as her siblings. She likes it when we yell at her sister when she gets in trouble (which is often) because she isn’t getting in trouble. She thinks our love is a competition and that we can only love one of them. Of course I tell her none of this is true but what else can I do other than consistently tell her we love her, we love all 3 of them and it’s not a competition? I have the book siblings without rivalry and will read it but in the meantime what should we do?

FWIW the pandemic and coronavirus has really affected her. She was very very upset and acting out a lot in March and April. Things have settled down a lot in that area but I am wondering if this is just another manifestation of her anxiety regarding life. She has had a tough year with lockdown happening right after we had a new baby, canceling her birthday party because of the virus, pulling her from daycare and all her friends. I just want my kids to have good relationships with each other. My sister is my best friend in the whole world.

[Anonymous]

A tough year? It's only been 4 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A tough year? It's only been 4 months.

I was just listening the things that have happened the past 4 months. We also went to her first funeral and she had surgery this past year. It has been a lot for a 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would read Sibling Rivalry if you haven't already. There are some good tips in there.

I'd also like to point out that my sister and I had a negative relationship most of our child hood. We physically really hurt each other even in high school.

And I love her now. We're different people but we're great friends.

Don't for one minute think that a 5 year old struggling with younger siblings during a pandemic is a life sentence for her relationship with her siblings.

[Anonymous]

How often are you yelling at the 3 year old? Perhaps you should think of other ways to discipline the toddler.
If you're able to, give one-on-one attention to the 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

She probably need some individual attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably need some individual attention.

+1 Kids acting out is almost always a sign that they want affection. Jealousy is not a fixed trait it is a reaction to a circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often are you yelling at the 3 year old? Perhaps you should think of other ways to discipline the toddler.
If you're able to, give one-on-one attention to the 5 year old.

Op here - yes I agree I need to stop yelling at the 3 year old. I do try very hard but sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

We used to do more one on one things with the kids but it’s been hard due to the new baby and then also the pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are you yelling at the 3 year old? Perhaps you should think of other ways to discipline the toddler.
If you're able to, give one-on-one attention to the 5 year old.

Op here - yes I agree I need to stop yelling at the 3 year old. I do try very hard but sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

We used to do more one on one things with the kids but it’s been hard due to the new baby and then also the pandemic.

It is so hard, no doubt. What I recommend is that you schedule this time in advance, and you really go hard on "quality over quantity." Your time is super limited with three kids. But that doesn't mean you can't have special one-on one time with each of them every day. I would aim for you and your husband to each make sure to spend 10-15 minutes every day doing 1-on-1 with both your 3 year old and 5 year old. That's only 20-30 minutes per person, so it's manageable. Make that time really special and try to make it something they really love or want.

My 3-year-old gets mad at us sometimes and will just yell "Talk to me about Larla things!" at the top of her lungs. So we've started building it into our day that I spend 15 minutes in the am and DH spends 15 minutes in the pm where we go for little walks with her and listen to whatever she has to say and ask lots of questions and don't look at our phones or talk about our other daughter at all (unless the 3-year-old brings her up). It helps so much. She still gets mad or jealous sometimes, but it's regulated. And we can always say "Right now it's dinner time and we all get to talk, but after dinner you get special time with Daddy" and that helps her settle down.

[Anonymous]

The book Siblings Without Rivalry was really good. That said, these are uniquely challenging kids and I think most kids are struggling in their way. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

^uniquely challenging TIMES! Sorry, typo

[Anonymous]

Not a how-to manual but there's a sociology book called Unequal Childhoods that goes into how kids of working class parents are much more harmonious than upper middle class kids on average - family loyalty and pulling together are emphasized. Also, they are used to entertaining themselves and doing things as a group, along with the neighborhood kids (not split by age, gender, etc. like is the case with UMC sports and so on).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a how-to manual but there's a sociology book called Unequal Childhoods that goes into how kids of working class parents are much more harmonious than upper middle class kids on average - family loyalty and pulling together are emphasized. Also, they are used to entertaining themselves and doing things as a group, along with the neighborhood kids (not split by age, gender, etc. like is the case with UMC sports and so on).

That’s so interesting

I come from an extended family that’s very diverse and I agree with this observation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often are you yelling at the 3 year old? Perhaps you should think of other ways to discipline the toddler.
If you're able to, give one-on-one attention to the 5 year old.

Op here - yes I agree I need to stop yelling at the 3 year old. I do try very hard but sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

We used to do more one on one things with the kids but it’s been hard due to the new baby and then also the pandemic.

The pandemic has nothing to do with anything. You can take 10 minute 1-1 and read a book or watch a quick video or play a game with your kid. You choose to have three kids under 5, you need to step it up and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

NP. I’m still resentful that my little brother was under disciplined, and I was the one who paid for it.

Yes, you need to stop yelling, but it appears you also need to augment the discipline.

Yes to individual attention.