What would you tell your 35 year old self?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To my 35-year-old self:
This Thanksgiving is the last time you will ever see your mother. Don't fight. Be a thoughtful, loving daughter because she will be dead before Christmas.

You will -- surprise!-- have a kid by the time you are 38, and it will be the absolute best thing and the hardest thing ever, especially because you will end up raising her alone. It will get easier once she hits age 4 , but watch out for age 13, when she will become possessed, but slowly revert to her more lovable self without the need for an exorcism by the time she is 17.

Even though you have virtually no extra cash for many years, continue to funnel as much as possible to retirement (even if maxed out will never be in your vocabulary) and start doing automatic contributions to a 529 plan BEFORE she hits middle school.

Do not eat all the Goldfish crackers and Teddy Grahams every night after she finally goes to sleep as a reward for getting through the day because you will end up 30 pounds heavier in 20 years.

It all goes by so, so fast even though there are excutiatingly long minutes and hours that tick by on those cold, rainy Saturdays when she gets up at 5:45 a.m. and you cannot deal with one more game of Candyland or you will scream.

You will be 55 and have absolutely no idea how it happened because weren't you just 35?

I'm 51, but otherwise so much of this rings true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell myself that parenting is stressful but there's a better way to parent and it doesn't have to be this hard. I would tell myself to swallow my pride and get to a therapist.

I wished I'd done this at 35. I waited to get into therapy until my 40s and lost some valuable time int he process. I wish I could rewind and do it over knowing what I've learned since being in therapy. So worth it!

What is the better way to parent? I feel this way sometimes
- Signed, 39 yo who is so grateful for this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell the 35 year old me to enjoy this time. It may not look like it now but this as good as its going to get for a long time (20 years of downhill, so far). That includes finances, health, fun times and relationships.

Why is that? I understand health going downhill, but why the other things (relationships, fun times)?

Our careers stalled about that time and our household income never got back to that level. The grind of taking care of aging/dying parents, challenging kids and finances in the toilet add stress to just about everything. There are moments that are wonderful but the overall landscape generally sucks.

I am 35 and I too have had to take care of aging/dying parents, while handling a newborn and a toddler. My husband just began his medical residency. So the landscape can suck much earlier; it depends how your life plays out. I'm hoping my 50s are better.

[Anonymous]

Don't marry unless you have long and detailed conversations and agree on basic principles regarding money, religion, in-laws, child raising, and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give anything to have my sweet little family back. I would make sure that I hugged my kids every day and told them that I loved them. I probably did, but I'm not sure now. I would have put my job LAST- I would LEAN OUT ( yep, Sheryl Sandberg, you are dead wrong...) I would make sure that our finances were better by never going into debt except for our house. I would do more with my parents and included them in things more. I would have stopped thinking about the future and would have been more mindful about the present.


My kids are adults now- living their own lives. My Mom died and my father is dying. It all happened so fast it seems. It really is so few years that that you have in this wonderful chaotic circus..and then...it stops.

+1000
Couldn't agree more.

[Anonymous]

I would say to my my 35 year old self.....slow down!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry unless you have long and detailed conversations and agree on basic principles regarding money, religion, in-laws, child raising, and sex.

I would say after you have them have them again. Ask about boundary conditions. And frankly, when behaviors differ from agreed to standards, make sure it gets discussed. I found once I married DW became more inflexible. And I think she knew the only option i had was the nuclear (divorce) one so she could be intractable.

My one thing i would tell my younger self is listen to your little voice. Don't get frustrated or angry when that voice tells you different from your day to day reality.

really work on direct, non-emotional, communication.

know your boundaries.
don't take on other family member's problems.

don't buy the big house because of MIL. Buy smaller closer to city and buy her a condo.

Call bullshit more often.

that first love that you never got over. Call her before you marry your wife. Its not fair to your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't marry unless you have long and detailed conversations and agree on basic principles regarding money, religion, in-laws, child raising, and sex.

I would say after you have them have them again. Ask about boundary conditions. And frankly, when behaviors differ from agreed to standards, make sure it gets discussed. I found once I married DW became more inflexible. And I think she knew the only option i had was the nuclear (divorce) one so she could be intractable.

My one thing i would tell my younger self is listen to your little voice. Don't get frustrated or angry when that voice tells you different from your day to day reality.

really work on direct, non-emotional, communication.

know your boundaries.
don't take on other family member's problems.

don't buy the big house because of MIL. Buy smaller closer to city and buy her a condo.

Call bullshit more often.

that first love that you never got over. Call her before you marry your wife. Its not fair to your wife.

Yup. Also, if you don't like her family, don't marry her.

[Anonymous]

1. Quit your job and open your own firm today. Don't wait another 2 years. Do it now and sock away the fortune you will make for 3 years instead of the 1 year that you before the recession started.

2. Plus if you quit your job you will stop feeding your face with stress eating.

3. Exercise. A lot.

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to your Dr. Get a second opinion. Also...spend more time with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Find a meaningful and important job even if it does not pay a ton. it will make you happy, and make your kids proud. And even if you have to work hard and miss time with family, you will not have as many regrets as some 50+ers on this post seem to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a meaningful and important job even if it does not pay a ton. it will make you happy, and make your kids proud. And even if you have to work hard and miss time with family, you will not have as many regrets as some 50+ers on this post seem to have.

Oh no! I would tell my 35 year old self to quit that meaningful and "important" job that doesn't pay a ton because that field will never make you enough money. Stay in that field and you'll wake up at age 52 with an overdue mortgage, a broken down car and no money this week until you get paid on the 21st. And your wife will resent you not earning more.
Quit trying to save the planet and grab some cash!

[Anonymous]

Don't bother trying to have another kid -- you'll end up financially and emotionally wrecked, with a badly damaged marriage, a bellyful of grief over all the miscarriages, and still one child.

I think it's going to take us a decade to recover from those fruitless five years of trying.

[Anonymous]

GET OUT NOW.

[Anonymous]

Always take good care of your teeth.