Why can't we punish cheaters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't jail someone for not liking you. Get over it. Force yourself. You are wasting your life.

Agreed but it's also fraud to say you are married if you actually have left the marriage emotionally and sexually and even financially. Cheating is fraud. Its not deciding to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do, sort of: if you get a fault divorce, the property distribution and alimony can favor the non-cheater.

But the standard for custody is best interest of the kids with a slight slant towards parental rights.

As PP said, bankrupting your cheating spouse isn’t in your kids’ best interest.

It might be of the cheating spouse is spending money on other women. You can instead keep the funds to directly support your kids - braces, tutors, and college all add up. My friend even buys her kids clothes, shoes and other things to keep at their dad’s house.

[Anonymous]

I think the at fault divorce rules should be easier to use. It should hurt the person financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have long felt this way too, OP. But as I've seen people in marriages negotiate these matters, I've begun to see that sometimes things are more gray than black and white. Lots of spouses are emotionally abusive or manipulative. They do their best to destroy their spouse's self-esteem. They pull a bait and switch once they get a ring on their finger. They use sex as a carrot to extract things that were never on the able when they decided to get married. If their spouse steps out on them after several years of a dead bedroom and negative vibes at home, does their spouse deserve punishment for cheating? Or do they deserve praise for being willing to keep tolerating/carrying their jerk spouse?

This. Not always black and white. He said she said. If you don’t wanna be married, then move on if somebody cheated on you and you wanted a divorce get a divorce. It’s not that hard.

Pot calling kettle? If you want to cheat, just get a divorce, it’s not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the at fault divorce rules should be easier to use. It should hurt the person financially.

Yeah let’s go back to a time when men could destroy their wives’ lives and they had complete control over them. Sign me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the at fault divorce rules should be easier to use. It should hurt the person financially.

They do. Usually fault leads to a property distribution that favors the “innocent” party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm watching my ex slowly unravel. It's like watching a slow motion train wreck. It's so bad I *almost* feel sorry for him since he's so lost and has no idea who the f&*k he is or who he is supposed to be. But then I remember that he could have availed himself of therapy and introspection at any point in his adult life and he opted not to. His unraveling is punishment enough.

Same! My cheating stbx is completely falling apart too. Today my 15 year old said to me, "You're experiencing such a divorce glow up. I always tell my therapist that you are skyrocketing and all that's happened to Daddy is [medieval sounding disease that made his skin fall off] and [painful accident]." He's always experiencing another self-created crisis. And my kids don't even know about the cheating.

But OP your thesis is not entirely correct. We DO punish cheaters, in some sense. We just don't do it severely because we have a more liberal society (and that's a good thing). But most good people don't just accept cheating and turn a blind eye. They may not throw stones but they probably won't throw a party for them either.

[Anonymous]

The better, more valuable person in a relationship is the one who is able to cheat. It’s really awkward to give cheaters a hard time, as that can come around and bite you.

I’ll condemn if the cheater is a himbo and the “betrayed” wife has a ton of resources and credentials in the city. But I’ve never seen that. So I stay out of it and just worry about my own life.

[Anonymous]

My ex is being punished today. The kids and I are at my annual extended family vacation week doing all the traditions. He's home alone in his crappy apartment texting me asking for pics of the kids because he misses them so much and is so alone.