Teen DS doesn't want to spend time with blended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be honest… at the end of the day, this child is living between two homes, a broken family. He does not have a sense of belonging. His father now has a family of his own. They are trying to incorporate him into their life but he isn’t having it. He just wants to be a solo kid but guess what, he isn’t! He has siblings. He has to share his father. He isn’t entitled to one on one time with his dad.

No he doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for a while, exDH remarried to a woman with 3 kids of her own. She is very keen on the whole blended family concept and tries to include DS in everything. The problem is - he doesn't want to. He is a teenager (17), her kids are much younger, he wants to spend more time with exDH, only the other 3 are constantly tagging along. He is never alone with his Dad, either her or her kids are always present, they get very offended if he even suggests to do something just him and his dad. ExDH is trying to appease his wife and include his stepkids, I get it, but our DS feels slighted. It's ridiculous but if she sees the two of them talking on the port for a minute, she insists on joining them with "so, what are you boys talking about?".

This weekend he just lost it at his Dad's house. He offered exDH to go fishing in the wee Sunday hours, only to have his stepmom say "oh that's lovely, Larlo/Jenny/Maggie will join too." DS just lost it there. He said a few things he shouldn't have said, used profanities, which led to a shouting match. He packed up his things despite exDH telling him to apologize and left.

He refuses to apologize, he blocked exDH and his stepmother everywhere possible. I got an earful from exDH last night, all with his wife bawling in the background. DS' reasoning: "this is possibly my last summer here, I am going to college next year, all I wanted to do is a fishing trip with my Dad. How hard is it for that woman to understand? What is she SO AFRAID of when we are together?"

DS did not have to blow out the way he did and certainly there was no need for profanities. I feel like I need to have a sitdown with the wife and try to get her to understand that there is nothing wrong with some father and son time. Is it up to me to repair father and son relationship?

And before anyone suggests it: no, I will not ground DS.

He's a 17-year-old boy who just wants to spend time with his dad, who won't? He had every right to blow up, and he's 17, so profanities are just fine. His dad deserved it. Your only role here is to make him feel heard and loved. DO NOT convince that poor boy to apologize.

Agree and I’m a Mom of a DS21.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

Which is fine.

It’s fine with everyone but stepmom.

He's not her son. She needs to stay in her lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be honest… at the end of the day, this child is living between two homes, a broken family. He does not have a sense of belonging. His father now has a family of his own. They are trying to incorporate him into their life but he isn’t having it. He just wants to be a solo kid but guess what, he isn’t! He has siblings. He has to share his father. He isn’t entitled to one on one time with his dad.

Are you insane?! You think that kids from "intact" families don't get one on one time with their parent(s) ever? I am a single mom and still spend some one on one time with each of my two kids. Yes, this kid is entitled to spend some one on one time with his dad. It doesn't sound like he insists all the time, but rather, he gets almost no time with just his dad. Even with siblings, it is reasonable to want to spend time alone with your parent from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be honest… at the end of the day, this child is living between two homes, a broken family. He does not have a sense of belonging. His father now has a family of his own. They are trying to incorporate him into their life but he isn’t having it. He just wants to be a solo kid but guess what, he isn’t! He has siblings. He has to share his father. He isn’t entitled to one on one time with his dad.

Are you insane?! You think that kids from "intact" families don't get one on one time with their parent(s) ever? I am a single mom and still spend some one on one time with each of my two kids. Yes, this kid is entitled to spend some one on one time with his dad. It doesn't sound like he insists all the time, but rather, he gets almost no time with just his dad. Even with siblings, it is reasonable to want to spend time alone with your parent from time to time.

This. One on one would be no big deal in an intact family. It would be considered a good thing! This is just one more loss that children of divorce have to experience.

[Anonymous]

I really think dads and kid would be well served by some joint counseling. There is no way a decent therapist is gojng to take step moms side in this and should be helpful in getting dad to see the importance of him having some one on one time with son. Even if step mom goes to the therapy, that would likely be helpful.

Also, only half joking but maybe he should invite dad to a movie or music venue that would be inappropriate for younger children.

I would try to avoid getting into it with the ex or step mom but if you have to I would say - I think it is reasonable for a 17 year old boy to want to do things alone with his dad. I think it was inappropriate for him to yell at you the way he did but I understand the emotions that sparked that reaction. You need to manage your relationship with your son -/ I would really like for you both to be able to repair it. But I’m not the one that can do that. I think a family therapist might be really helpful.

[Anonymous]

Your son did nothing wrong. No need for a sit down with dad or stepmom. Let your ex make the first move after he has had some time to think about why his son reacted the way he did.

Im a stepmom to two young adults and told my husband that he absolutely should spend alone time with them. It's ridiculous to insert yourself between your spouse and his/her kids.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for delayed responses, more drama at home. Because DS blocked his father, he now insists on communicating with me through threats. He thinks that I am contributing to parental alienation and that lawyers will need to be involved. All I can say is "Good luck! DS is turning 18 in November, go waste your resources on lawyers". Just unbelievable how adults can be so clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The three kids are not biologically the Dads?

I think step Mom is threatened by DS. It is telling that she does not want Dad and DS to even chat casually.

Correct, they are not his biological children. Their biodad is in the picture. From what I can see, exDH is an involved stepdad, very committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad, who I have always been close to, remarried and I can’t talk to him anymore without his wife on speakerphone. If I text she has his phone and answers for him half the time. I got a little time to talk with him alone during a family vacation and she showed up and said, “Am I allowed to sit with you?” with a hurt tone of voice and big sad eyes. Which ended the conversation. It makes ME want to use profanity, and I’m in my 40s.

Sorry, no advice, just sympathy for your son.

What are they so afraid of, these stepmoms? I simply don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for delayed responses, more drama at home. Because DS blocked his father, he now insists on communicating with me through threats. He thinks that I am contributing to parental alienation and that lawyers will need to be involved. All I can say is "Good luck! DS is turning 18 in November, go waste your resources on lawyers". Just unbelievable how adults can be so clueless.

OP, screenshot all those communications. Write your responses as if a judge were reading them. Ask your ex point-blank why he never spends alone time with his son. Remind him that his son has requested this multiple times, that it’s an emotional need the boy is expressing, and that the boy is angry at how his father is not meeting that emotional need. Explain to him that you are not involved, it’s not parental alienation, and it’s easier and more comfortable for your ex to blame you instead of taking a hard look at his own behavior. Remind him that his son is going off to college and this is his last summer of childhood, and therefore his dad’s last chance for some quality alone time with his child. That child will become an adult soon.

Is your ex helping to pay for college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for delayed responses, more drama at home. Because DS blocked his father, he now insists on communicating with me through threats. He thinks that I am contributing to parental alienation and that lawyers will need to be involved. All I can say is "Good luck! DS is turning 18 in November, go waste your resources on lawyers". Just unbelievable how adults can be so clueless.

He won't even get a court date by November.

I would state plainly - you are not involving yourself in the dispute, this isn't your business. Your son needs time to cool down and if they want to make amends you'll pass along the message, but you won't be passing along hostilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad remarried a lady with 3 kids. My siblings and I LOVED her kids and we actually blended pretty well for many years.

Then dad and step mom got divorced and it was another loss and complication for all the kids.

Then dad got married to another lady with kids and expected us to play happy family again. He ended up divorcing her as well.

So I have two sets of ex step siblings.

Same, PP. I feel ya. My family is a hot mess with both my parents. We live far away and rarely visit because it's so awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for delayed responses, more drama at home. Because DS blocked his father, he now insists on communicating with me through threats. He thinks that I am contributing to parental alienation and that lawyers will need to be involved. All I can say is "Good luck! DS is turning 18 in November, go waste your resources on lawyers". Just unbelievable how adults can be so clueless.

OP, screenshot all those communications. Write your responses as if a judge were reading them. Ask your ex point-blank why he never spends alone time with his son. Remind him that his son has requested this multiple times, that it’s an emotional need the boy is expressing, and that the boy is angry at how his father is not meeting that emotional need. Explain to him that you are not involved, it’s not parental alienation, and it’s easier and more comfortable for your ex to blame you instead of taking a hard look at his own behavior. Remind him that his son is going off to college and this is his last summer of childhood, and therefore his dad’s last chance for some quality alone time with his child. That child will become an adult soon.

Is your ex helping to pay for college?

Great advice, well said. (Not OP)

[Anonymous]

He is expected to help pay for college per our custody agreement. He has been contributing to his 529. What I am fearing the most is that he and his wife will use that money as a bargaining chip: "we will give you money for college BUT you need to do what we ask"