Dating a hygiene obsessed person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He showers in the morning, after his workout after work, and before bed. I shower in the morning and after a workout if I workout that day. I see no point in showering at 6pm and then showering again at 9/10pm before bed.

He has told me that showering right before bed is the best feeling. He doesn’t like going to bed dirty. This is also a guy who changes his sheets everyday other day.

If you are just sitting around the house for three hours in your inside clothes there is no need to shower again.

The issue isn't whether you are clean enough, but that he feels he has to right to control what you are doing and your body. That is not cool. Imagine what a nightmare he will be once you have kids, which are very messy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He also hates if I don’t make the bed because he loves a made bed. I’ve never dated a man that was this stringent with his hygiene. I do appreciate he takes care of his hygiene, but it’s a little extreme for me.

He’s not weird about sex or anything other than he just likes “showering the day away” as he says. He finds the hot water relaxes his body. Often times he doesn’t even really wash up except for his groin area and his face.

I don’t think I need a shower at 9pm if I showered after a workout at 6pm. I’m clean and don’t smell.

I don’t think he has OCD because he doesn’t have issues in other areas of his life. His just a little hygiene obsessed.

My brother is this way about hand washing. He will throw out the whole bin of ice if someone touches an ice cube getting it out of the bin. He is in his 60s and it has not gotten better, only worse, with time.

Your bf IS controlling because he is telling you what to do with this body. He can't understand that just because he finds it relaxing, other people might not. It is a waste of water, energy (to heat it) and it dries out the skin. The body needs a protective layer to help avoid infections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds prissy.

LOL

Zesty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldnt recommend having children with someone this rigid. He's pestering you, a grown adult, how horrible is he going to be to messy crazy children?

It's the rigidity that does it for me too, not just about showering. There's no way this doesn't manifest in other areas and I don't get along well with inflexible people, so he's a solid no for me. Kids with people like this is hard.

Agree.

OP, what’s you intimate time like? Does he go downtown? Does he even like being intimate?

OP here. We have daily sex and he always goes down on me. I have even asked him if I smell or something but he said no. He happily goes down on me each night before bed.

He loves being intimate. We are always kissing, cuddling, and just hugging and touching each other. We have a very playful and loving relationship.

Hold up. I find it VERY hard to believe that this man doesn't also shower after sex. C'mon now!

[Anonymous]

Move on OP. You don't need to shower three times per day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does have allergies?

I shower before bed to get pollen etc off. And if it’s pollen season, I make my boyfriend shower before bed unless he wants to sleep in the guest room, which he can if he wants.

If it’s the first few dates when a guy is sleeping over, I just put up with the allergy issue or suggest we shower together. Then I break the news

My pulmonologist recommended this for allergy season as well. But doesn't seem to be the case here. If they are home between 6 and 9 pm they are not accumulating pollen unless they are walking a dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds prissy.

Probably OCD or some other untreated mental issue. Hard pass.

It probably goes back to his toilet training. His mother told him poop was bad. Whatever it is, it's going to get worse over time.

I am the one with the brother who has a hand washing OCD issue. My mom said it started when he went to vacation bible school one summer and they talked about germs.

[Anonymous]

When you shower, you don't have to always use soap on your body, except your nooks and crannies. Water is enough if you don't have actual dirt on your arms/legs.

[Anonymous]

OP, every relationship has its trade offs and everybody has to compromise on something when two adults try to live together. What he’s asking seems like a lot for many of us and the passive aggressive nagging would be a deal breaker for me personally. But only you can say whether it is too much for you and what you are willing to change for him.

On that note, what has he changed for you? Do you have a need that he recognizes and is willing to change his behaviors to meet? That could help you see if the relationship is balanced or not.

Also, have an honest conversation about what it means to have kids. They are so, so messy and their needs will have to take priority over both of your needs for awhile. Is he prepared for the mess and unpredictability that comes with a small human? Do you have any pets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, every relationship has its trade offs and everybody has to compromise on something when two adults try to live together. What he’s asking seems like a lot for many of us and the passive aggressive nagging would be a deal breaker for me personally. But only you can say whether it is too much for you and what you are willing to change for him.

On that note, what has he changed for you? Do you have a need that he recognizes and is willing to change his behaviors to meet? That could help you see if the relationship is balanced or not.

Also, have an honest conversation about what it means to have kids. They are so, so messy and their needs will have to take priority over both of your needs for awhile. Is he prepared for the mess and unpredictability that comes with a small human? Do you have any pets?

DP, not OP. This post is very reasonable and sensible but I can't believe that this guy is capable of an "honest conversation about what it means to have kids." Neither he nor OP has that experience yet and until it happens to him first-hand, with a child he can't hand back like a niece or nephew or friend's kid -- he will be utterly unable to picture how unpredictable and messy babies, toddlers and kids can be. Many adults CAN make that leap of imagination, which, combined with patience and flexibility and sheer love, mean they can deal with kid messes. But he already lacks the flexibility and, I'd argue, lacks patience, since he apparently snarks at and pressures OP to Do As He Wants. He cannot use those tactics with a baby or child.

OP, you've been warned. He will talk right now as if he already knows kids are going to be challengingly messy, unpredictable, etc. But when the reality hits him, he'll fold. Also: How will he react to YOU when you are too sleep-deprived and possibly too emotionally drained from having a newborn, and you are not showering twice every day and definitely not making the freaking bed, and are possibly even recuperating from a C-section if one is needed? How do you think he'll be about having a GF/wife who has had major abdominal surgery and whose bowels may not work ideally at first, or who leaks pee? Yeah, it happens. Will he care for and support you and be hands-on and just be happy you and the baby are OK? Will he be upset or even angry that sex can't happen for a while, since he's used to daily sex? Will he be grossed out by pregnancy and a post-pregnancy recovery body, and maybe decide his attraction to you is lessened?

I'd seriously think about all this. He sounds like a prime candidate to be freaked (though he will never admit it, if he loves being right and in control) when you are pregnant, nursing and recuperating from childbirth, and a prime candidate to be an extremely uptight parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:3 showers a day is ridiculous. 2 showers a day as a regular occurrence is also ridiculous.

Both of you need to stop wasting water.

OP here. Most people shower each morning. How can you go to work and not shower? That’s just nasty.

Again, how can you not shower after working out? That’s nasty.

It is better to shower at night than the morning for hygenic reasons. (better to be clean when sleeping on sheets)/

There is no need to shower at night AND in the morning.

Most people don't work out every day.

Showering 2-3 times a day is really bad for your skin and a waste of water.

By the way, little kids should not be bathed more than 2 or 3 times a week. It dries out their skin and can cause eczema flare ups. Don't have kids with this main.

Showering once a day and after workouts is normal.

Showering 2-3 times a day is excessive and abnormal.

NP

Um, no. My kids get bathed almost every day. But they love being outside and active and don’t have eczema issues.

You should start reading and get advice from pediatricians. Babies and toddlers should not be bathed daily. Not necessary until much older. From a family of doctors.


“According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), babies under 1 year old should have a full bath three times a week or less. In general, toddlers should be bathed 2–3 times a week to keep them clean. However, a toddler's face and genitals should be washed every day for optimum hygiene.”


More:

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-often-should-your-kids-take-a-bath-or-shower

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/does-your-child-need-to-bathe-every-day-202109202598

“Why not bathe a child daily?
Lots of bathing can lead to dry, irritated skin. But also, the skin has natural protective oils, and natural bacteria, that help to keep us healthy and safe — and that can get washed away with daily bathing.”


https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2015/02/26/why-you-should-stop-giving-your-kid-a-bath-every-night/

No here. We'll be bathing daily here. You can keep your kids dirty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He also hates if I don’t make the bed because he loves a made bed. I’ve never dated a man that was this stringent with his hygiene. I do appreciate he takes care of his hygiene, but it’s a little extreme for me.

He’s not weird about sex or anything other than he just likes “showering the day away” as he says. He finds the hot water relaxes his body. Often times he doesn’t even really wash up except for his groin area and his face.

I don’t think I need a shower at 9pm if I showered after a workout at 6pm. I’m clean and don’t smell.

I don’t think he has OCD because he doesn’t have issues in other areas of his life. His just a little hygiene obsessed.

Honestly op, you sound dirty and lazy to me. I'm guessing there's some cultural differences at play here also.

He seems like an okay guy but you're incompatible long term best to move on

[Anonymous]

I'm dating someone who showers multiple times a day. And I do too! I definitely don't like getting into bed dusty, with pollen, sweaty, or without washing after a BM. That's especially true is I'm sleeping with someone else.

BF works in construction, so he actually does get dirty on the job. And they start super early, like at 6am, so you need a shower to wake yourself up at 4:45am (shower #1). Shower #2 takes place right when he walks in the door after work, around 2:30. If he does a workout, he showers after but puts on whatever he's going to sleep in at that point, and that is shower #3. When he doesn't workout, he will shower again if he had a BM since the after work shower. I keep trying to convince him to get a bidet if the only reason he's showering at night is to wash his butt.

He raised two kids and often reminds his teenager to shower. But he is right to do so because she does start to smell ripe pretty often since she doesn't like to shower daily. And she will wear the same clothes two days in a row if he doesn't make her change into fresh ones. He complains a lot about how she takes food and dishes into her room and keeps them there for days, but this seems like normal parent behavior. In other words, I don't see any indication that being very aware of one's own body and its cleanliness bleeds into other parts of life or into how one raises children.

What people need to understand about us frequent shower people is that these are very short showers. I have never understood what people do in the shower for 20+ minutes? Unless I'm shaving my bikini line or washing my hair, I don't take any longer than 4-5 minutes in there. I slather on Neutrogena body oil afterward and pat myself dry to prevent dryness. I only wash my hair twice a week with water. I use dry shampoo on the other days and will sometimes "wash" with conditioner. Even though I shower 2-3X/day, I spend more time each day cleansing my face and on my teeth/gums than I do showering in total.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He also hates if I don’t make the bed because he loves a made bed. I’ve never dated a man that was this stringent with his hygiene. I do appreciate he takes care of his hygiene, but it’s a little extreme for me.

He’s not weird about sex or anything other than he just likes “showering the day away” as he says. He finds the hot water relaxes his body. Often times he doesn’t even really wash up except for his groin area and his face.

I don’t think I need a shower at 9pm if I showered after a workout at 6pm. I’m clean and don’t smell.

I don’t think he has OCD because he doesn’t have issues in other areas of his life. His just a little hygiene obsessed.

Honestly op, you sound dirty and lazy to me. I'm guessing there's some cultural differences at play here also.

He seems like an okay guy but you're incompatible long term best to move on

OP here. How am I dirty and lazy? I shower twice a day. We are both white Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 showers a day is ridiculous. 2 showers a day as a regular occurrence is also ridiculous.

Both of you need to stop wasting water.

OP here. Most people shower each morning. How can you go to work and not shower? That’s just nasty.

Again, how can you not shower after working out? That’s nasty.

How do you know this? I have never been a morning shower person. I shower every evening before bed. That’s it—-unless I work out or go to the beach or do yard work earlier in the day, in which case I’ll just shower earlier in the day and probably not take another shower before bed.