Better for kids to stay in roommate marriage with DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding love again should not be considered immature. With an existing partner, it’s true that you won’t replicate the chemical new relationship butterflies stage. But it’s not immature—if you value it—to work to rekindle romance and affection and being “in love” with your partner. You and your partner might decide—together—you value other things you want to nurture. But this domain isn’t per se immature.

Anonymous wrote:I’d wager at least half of married people are staying together for the kids. Some of those couples are working hard on their marriage… also for the benefit of the kids, since they would have given up long ago otherwise. That’s us.

I don’t think there’s a right answer for you to find. There are trade offs no matter what decision you make. What I realized is even if I ended it, DH would still be in my life as the father of my kids. And existing challenges would be replaced with new challenges. Challenges which would impact the kids just as much as us, probably more since they’re still developing.

I don’t care about “finding love” again. Honestly that seems a bit immature to me. What I need is mutual respect and a friendship (with benefits) with my partner with a focus on doing the best we can for our kids. If there were abuse or drugs or something major I would not stay, but that’s not the case.

I wish you the best!

I honestly see life in seasons, of which this is one. My priority is my children and I’m committing to being with my DH at least until they’re adults. I hope as we continue to work on our relationship that we’ll want to stay together at that point, but if we don’t, I’ll feel a lot better about parting ways then.

Finding love again at the expense of your child living with both parents is immature.

💯

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.

For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.

We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.

I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.

This doesn’t sound like a low conflict platonic situation. This sounds like tension and discomfort at home. In that case, I think divorce is better for the kids, if you can provide them a home that is not full of toxicity, resentment, and disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finding love again should not be considered immature. With an existing partner, it’s true that you won’t replicate the chemical new relationship butterflies stage. But it’s not immature—if you value it—to work to rekindle romance and affection and being “in love” with your partner. You and your partner might decide—together—you value other things you want to nurture. But this domain isn’t per se immature.

Anonymous wrote:I’d wager at least half of married people are staying together for the kids. Some of those couples are working hard on their marriage… also for the benefit of the kids, since they would have given up long ago otherwise. That’s us.

I don’t think there’s a right answer for you to find. There are trade offs no matter what decision you make. What I realized is even if I ended it, DH would still be in my life as the father of my kids. And existing challenges would be replaced with new challenges. Challenges which would impact the kids just as much as us, probably more since they’re still developing.

I don’t care about “finding love” again. Honestly that seems a bit immature to me. What I need is mutual respect and a friendship (with benefits) with my partner with a focus on doing the best we can for our kids. If there were abuse or drugs or something major I would not stay, but that’s not the case.

I wish you the best!

I honestly see life in seasons, of which this is one. My priority is my children and I’m committing to being with my DH at least until they’re adults. I hope as we continue to work on our relationship that we’ll want to stay together at that point, but if we don’t, I’ll feel a lot better about parting ways then.

Finding love again at the expense of your child living with both parents is immature.

I’m the PP you’re responding to - this was more a side convo. OP made clear they weren’t looking for love again. But I was responding to another poster’s assertion that looking for love is per se immature.

[Anonymous]

I’m responding to the popster who keeps talking about the “shame” of a happy childhood when parents divorce when the kids are adults. First, pretty sure you mean sham, next both my college roommate and I had parents who divorced when we were in college, freshman and sophomore years respectively. I can say, with certainty that I don’t think my childhood was a sham and neither does she. Was I upset and disappointed, yes. Did it suck…also yes. I also recognize that marriage is complicated and messy and difficult and parents are people just trying to do their best. For what it’s worth, I’ve been with my spouse for almost 24 years, married 16 and my parents relationship and divorce has certainly provided insight but isn’t what I model my relationship on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about research, but from my own experience, yes, it is better for your kids for you to stay in your low conflict (and low affection) marriage. Frankly, your affection level doesn’t make much difference to your kids. They would much rather that, that dealing with your boyfriends/dad’s new girlfriends, babysitters regularly so you can date, having much of your attention funneled into online dating, and then there’s the boyfriend’s kids..

When you decide to have children, you owe them a stable life. They should have to deal with your love life BS because you find your marriage low affection. Get your freak on when they go off to college.

+1000

I love how all of these “oh my parents lack of affection was SO TRAUMATIZING” posters think having the kids bounce back and forth between homes, deal with a parents new love interest, a potential new marriage and all the crap an associated blended family brings, is the better alternative.

Marriage is hard. That feeling of constant skyrockets and butterflies in the stomach is long gone for most people. You enter into a marriage for the long haul. Think about your kids - not your lack of spark with your spouse. It’s pathetic.

For those I know in this situation, their trauma came from realizing their happy childhood memories were a shame. And there were soooo many memories. And learning as an adult that it was fake is more traumatic than growing up with seperate but caring and honest parents.

No it was not more traumatic- full stop. They know nothing of what they speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for the replies.

For clarity, this is WAY beyond a situation where we’ve simply moved past the lust stage or lack butterflies. When I say there is no conflict, what I mean is the kids do not see us fighting. There are massive amounts of dysfunction in our relationship. Even though we don’t fight, there is still a lot of toxicity that is only getting worse over time and I do feel overwhelming resentment and disappointment in DH.

We have tried going to couples counseling multiple times over multiple years. It did not help us.

I don’t know where we go from here. But wanted to clarify this is way beyond a situation of me yearning for more romance or something.

This doesn’t sound like a low conflict platonic situation. This sounds like tension and discomfort at home. In that case, I think divorce is better for the kids, if you can provide them a home that is not full of toxicity, resentment, and disappointment.

Sort of agree.

But those aren't the only two options.

The adults in the situation should work to create that low-tension environment. I'm not saying to find love with each other. That's gone. But OP said she has anger and disappointment with her husband. She needs to work to resolve that for the benefit of her kids. Let that go. For the sake of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about research, but from my own experience, yes, it is better for your kids for you to stay in your low conflict (and low affection) marriage. Frankly, your affection level doesn’t make much difference to your kids. They would much rather that, that dealing with your boyfriends/dad’s new girlfriends, babysitters regularly so you can date, having much of your attention funneled into online dating, and then there’s the boyfriend’s kids..

When you decide to have children, you owe them a stable life. They should have to deal with your love life BS because you find your marriage low affection. Get your freak on when they go off to college.

+1000

I love how all of these “oh my parents lack of affection was SO TRAUMATIZING” posters think having the kids bounce back and forth between homes, deal with a parents new love interest, a potential new marriage and all the crap an associated blended family brings, is the better alternative.

Marriage is hard. That feeling of constant skyrockets and butterflies in the stomach is long gone for most people. You enter into a marriage for the long haul. Think about your kids - not your lack of spark with your spouse. It’s pathetic.

Agreed. My parents divorced when I was 28. My happy memories were not a sham.

I may have a new perspective on certain things but it 100% does not negate my childhood. In fact, I'm grateful they stayed together until me and my siblings were settled adults. And in a strange way, I have the memories of the early years to model my marriage on, but also awareness of the dangers as we age and become empty nesters to hopefully avoid the same fate

For those I know in this situation, their trauma came from realizing their happy childhood memories were a shame. And there were soooo many memories. And learning as an adult that it was fake is more traumatic than growing up with seperate but caring and honest parents.

No it was not more traumatic- full stop. They know nothing of what they speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about research, but from my own experience, yes, it is better for your kids for you to stay in your low conflict (and low affection) marriage. Frankly, your affection level doesn’t make much difference to your kids. They would much rather that, that dealing with your boyfriends/dad’s new girlfriends, babysitters regularly so you can date, having much of your attention funneled into online dating, and then there’s the boyfriend’s kids..

When you decide to have children, you owe them a stable life. They should have to deal with your love life BS because you find your marriage low affection. Get your freak on when they go off to college.

+1000

I love how all of these “oh my parents lack of affection was SO TRAUMATIZING” posters think having the kids bounce back and forth between homes, deal with a parents new love interest, a potential new marriage and all the crap an associated blended family brings, is the better alternative.

Marriage is hard. That feeling of constant skyrockets and butterflies in the stomach is long gone for most people. You enter into a marriage for the long haul. Think about your kids - not your lack of spark with your spouse. It’s pathetic.

For those I know in this situation, their trauma came from realizing their happy childhood memories were a shame. And there were soooo many memories. And learning as an adult that it was fake is more traumatic than growing up with seperate but caring and honest parents.

No it was not more traumatic- full stop. They know nothing of what they speak.

Agreed. My parents divorced when I was 28. My happy memories were not a sham.

I may have a new perspective on certain things but it 100% does not negate my childhood. In fact, I'm grateful they stayed together until me and my siblings were settled adults. And in a strange way, I have the memories of the early years to model my marriage on, but also awareness of the dangers as we age and become empty nesters to hopefully avoid the same fate

For those I know in this situation, their trauma came from realizing their happy childhood memories were a shame. And there were soooo many memories. And learning as an adult that it was fake is more traumatic than growing up with seperate but caring and honest parents.