Advice on BF sleeping Over

[Anonymous]

asking for in the normal time questions - so pretend covid isn't an issue

How would you have your boyfriend integrate into your home including sleep overs?

Background:
Single mom by choice, so no baby daddy so child is with me 24/7
Have family kid sees so I can be alone with him, including overnights
Kid is 6 and has a good relationship with my BF. The concept of BF is very abstract for my child as I have a lot of male friends he sees me hang out with.
BF will NOT do PDA in front of my kid as he says "he needs to build a long term relationship with my kid and he would rather do it slow and right vs. trying to fix it later"
BF does not want to be a dad to my kid but an uncle figure.
I don't have a history of my kid seeing guys coming in and out of my home.

We do want to live together at some point but not worrying about that during covid. We are thinking some kind of regular schedule when he comes over and exists and has a drawer.

He is willing to do a sleepover for me and my kid at his place if that would make sense. It would be some random fun thing to do.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure my uncle never slept over with my mom. IMO you can be an "uncle" but you can't be an "uncle" who sleeps over and has a drawer.

[Anonymous]

What are your long term goals w him? Bc he’s not going to be an “uncle” forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
asking for in the normal time questions - so pretend covid isn't an issue

How would you have your boyfriend integrate into your home including sleep overs?

Background:
Single mom by choice, so no baby daddy so child is with me 24/7
Have family kid sees so I can be alone with him, including overnights
Kid is 6 and has a good relationship with my BF. The concept of BF is very abstract for my child as I have a lot of male friends he sees me hang out with.
BF will NOT do PDA in front of my kid as he says "he needs to build a long term relationship with my kid and he would rather do it slow and right vs. trying to fix it later"
BF does not want to be a dad to my kid but an uncle figure.
I don't have a history of my kid seeing guys coming in and out of my home.

We do want to live together at some point but not worrying about that during covid. We are thinking some kind of regular schedule when he comes over and exists and has a drawer.

He is willing to do a sleepover for me and my kid at his place if that would make sense. It would be some random fun thing to do.

No matter what, you will be modeling behavior for your son. I'm not sure what the right call is but I suspect people with PhD's have written books about the do's and don'ts of these situations.

I'm here to comment on just one thing. The idea that your boyfriend doesn't want to be a father figure or "step father" to your six year old. That just won't fly. Not in the long run. If he marries you, he will need to fill the role of surrogate father to your son. Not just an uncle figure or "friend". He will model behavior and wield authority. If this guy doesn't understand that now, I'd be worried.

[Anonymous]

Yes he will be an "uncle" not an uncle.

If it evolves into him being a step parent or an adoptive parent we will let that develops on its own not force it. He wants (as do I) I'm the sole vote on my child's life; choices, etc. He can just state an opinion. So an uneven parental relationship.

Goal - not marriage - but living together; spending our lives together.

[Anonymous]

Uncle Fester?

[Anonymous]

He may be committed to you but he’s not committed to your child. I wouldn’t invest in this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may be committed to you but he’s not committed to your child. I wouldn’t invest in this guy.

As a male, I agree with this. Moms are hott, they are hotter when they prioritize the kid. He should feel privileged to get to get all of you, which equals you and your kid. When he takes the uncle route that gives him an easy out in the kid side.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I am dating someone who has two kids, 13 and 16. I'm not even attempting to have a maternal role with them, definitely more of an aunt or just "dad's friends." But that is because they are teens. If I was dating a single dad (no mom in picture) of a six year old....I dunno. That's kind of a different story. I'm not sure it is plausible or healthy for a kid that young to live in a house with a stepdad who acts more like an uncle.

[Anonymous]

If the kid has no father, "uncle" will have to step up if you get married.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been together for?

[Anonymous]

I can understand him saying he wants to be "an uncle' and not a dad if your child had an actual dad...but he doesn't. So a dad would be a real blessing to your son, not an intrusion.

Is your boyfriend worried about his ability to parent? Or how you will feel sharing parenting authority? I can see that, but if you live together, it'll evolve over time.

I'd have a heart to heart about this real soon.

[Anonymous]

I find it very hard to believe he would be happy living with a child without any parenting authority. Unless you are willing to incorporate all all his preferences into your parenting, even the things you don't care about. Even so, that seems hard.

[Anonymous]

I love the fact that he offered to take it slow. Sounds like an awesome guy.

I'd probably back off on a lot of male friends in his presence.

I really hope it works out for you!

- Fellow Single Mom

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, this is weird. There is no dad. Not sure why you're walking on egg shells. He is your boyfriend and that is how he should behave. Your son should see him hug you, hold your hand and kiss you (rated G kiss, obviously). He should hear BF says he loves you.

If you guys are not devoted to a long term thing, don't behave like you are in your kid's home. BF's idea is brilliant...you and DS sleeping at his place a few times is a great idea! An adventure that's non threatening.

Ditch the uncle thing. Weird. Friend, boyfriend totally acceptable.