Is this a Midwesterner thing?

[Anonymous]

I have a very good friend who has a tendency many times not to ask reciprocal questions. For example, if you are texting each other and you ask how she is, she will give you a lot of detail in her response but about 70% of the time she doesn’t ask in turn how you are. I’ve never heard her ask other people about their job, although she loves to talk about her job and happily goes on at length if anyone asks about it. I’ve heard all about her kids’ school situation but she hasn’t asked what’s going on with mine (we live in different counties plus her kids go to private). I’ve asked how her extended family is doing in Covid times but she hasn’t asked about mine. And so on. At other times she will initiate a “how are you?” or sympathetically listen if I discuss something going in with me. We are in frequent contact and I know she cares about me and my family. She is a good person. But she has this kind of myopia and often just does not reciprocate or initiate or follow up.

She is from the Midwest. Is this a Midwest thing? Do midwesterners feel it’s nosy to initiate and if someone wants to share something they’ll proactively come out with it? My own feeling is that if someone doesn’t ask, they aren’t interested, and I’m used to having a more two-way dynamic when I’m communicating with someone. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Nope.

She’s just a jerk regardless of where she is from originally.

[Anonymous]

Does it happen in person, or only in text?

[Anonymous]

This sounds far more like an east coast thing than a midwestern thing. I grew up dead center of the country and we would find it rude to talk about ourselves and would rather talk about you. It’s not being nosy, it’s being polite. To this day, I will greet a friend, ask how they are, then ask how their mom is.

[Anonymous]

No. She is Self absorbed

[Anonymous]

I'm a Midwesterner and I do think this is a Midwestern thing. For me at least, I was taught to not be nosy and wait for someone to offer information. I really try to ask the right questions without seeming like a busybody but I do worry about walking that line.

[Anonymous]

I have one friend like this. He is from Chicago. Do what you will with that info.

[Anonymous]

I don't see asking after someone and their family is nosy. "How is larla doing?". That is not nosy. The person can then offer as much info as they would like.

[Anonymous]

I am from the Midwest. This is not a Midwest thing.
I now live in California. This sounds like a California thing.

[Anonymous]

I just assumed that was an American thing. I never noticed people doing this before I moved here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a Midwesterner and I do think this is a Midwestern thing. For me at least, I was taught to not be nosy and wait for someone to offer information. I really try to ask the right questions without seeming like a busybody but I do worry about walking that line.

I'm from the west coast but my mom was from the midwest and I'm kind of like you. I figure if someone asks how I am and I give a superficial answer, it will come out if there's something nonsuperficial they want to share. If you're just going to give me a superficial answer, then what's the point? If I know you're going through something big (good or bad) then I might ask about it, especially if it's good, but generally I feel like I'm being nosy, or will be perceived that way, if I ask too many questions. I don't like being peppered with questions either. When I was trying to get pregnant I seriously regretted telling anyone because then I was frequently asked how it was going (not well!) and it was awful having to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has no one else to talk with and just babbles and babbles.

I would nicely point it out, or get her one of those books about listening and making others talk more. It’s a good habit at work and you can gather a lot of info, just keep saying Tell me More, Hiw are you, remember their past comments and check up. Bill Clinton was good at this and it inflates who you are talking with.

Self awareness can help here, consciously asking about others helps. And I can talk a mile a minute about myself.

[Anonymous]

I live in the Midwest now, grew up in the south, have also lived on both coasts. I don’t think this is a regional thing at all. It’s just a thing w people who are a) rude, b) incurious, and/or c) socially awkward/don’t understand basic social cues. Those people exist in every region but in my personal experience, people were most likely to be that way on the east coast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very good friend who has a tendency many times not to ask reciprocal questions. For example, if you are texting each other and you ask how she is, she will give you a lot of detail in her response but about 70% of the time she doesn’t ask in turn how you are. I’ve never heard her ask other people about their job, although she loves to talk about her job and happily goes on at length if anyone asks about it. I’ve heard all about her kids’ school situation but she hasn’t asked what’s going on with mine (we live in different counties plus her kids go to private). I’ve asked how her extended family is doing in Covid times but she hasn’t asked about mine. And so on. At other times she will initiate a “how are you?” or sympathetically listen if I discuss something going in with me. We are in frequent contact and I know she cares about me and my family. She is a good person. But she has this kind of myopia and often just does not reciprocate or initiate or follow up.

She is from the Midwest. Is this a Midwest thing? Do midwesterners feel it’s nosy to initiate and if someone wants to share something they’ll proactively come out with it? My own feeling is that if someone doesn’t ask, they aren’t interested, and I’m used to having a more two-way dynamic when I’m communicating with someone. Thoughts?

This is every self absorbed person in DC. You only know one person like this? How is that possible? Can we be friends? I will happily ask how you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in the Midwest now, grew up in the south, have also lived on both coasts. I don’t think this is a regional thing at all. It’s just a thing w people who are a) rude, b) incurious, and/or c) socially awkward/don’t understand basic social cues. Those people exist in every region but in my personal experience, people were most likely to be that way on the east coast.

Off the top of my head I can think of 3 people who are like OP describes where they will go on and on about themselves but not ask about you:
My dad, in his 70s and has lived in the South his whole life
My SIL, in her 30s and grew up in NJ but now lives in the Midwest
My friend, in her 30s and lives in DC but grew up on the west coast

^^leads me to agree it’s not a regional thing

For a counter example, the most curious inquisitive, engaging people I know who do not talk about themselves hardly at all and always find a way to turn the conversation back to the other person:
My MIL who grew up in CA and now lives in the Midwest.
My friend who is from Boston and now lives in NC