Am I a B-list friend?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if I’m being petty and sensitive, and it is only Tuesday but it’s already been that kind of week. I have an old friend who I only see once in a while. We aren’t close but we keep in touch. Kind of out of the blue a couple weeks ago, she reached out and she mentioned that maybe we should get together this upcoming weekend. Nothing official was planned and I haven’t heard from her, and I think now I know why.

I ran into a mutual friend at Target—she’s closer to my other friend—and mentioned that I may be seeing Larla this weekend. Mutual friend was like, oh yeah, that makes sense, Bill is going out of town this weekend and Larla mentioned she would be lonely.

FWIW, Larla is the kind of person who “misses you” and wants to visit but then suddenly has a doctors appointment near your side of town and oh can you watch my kid while I go and then we can hang out after?

I just feel like she didn’t cement plans because she really doesn’t want to hang out but I’m an option if nothing better comes along. Looking back, I’m now realizing that most of the time she hangs out with me, she mentions her other friends are busy or her husband is out of town.

How do you know if you are a B-list friend? I don’t think I want to keep being this person to Larla.

[Anonymous]

You’re probably a b-lister. I have a “friend” like this. Whenever she says she wants to hang out, I wonder what she really wants. Usually she does want something. I’m always shocked when she actually just wants to hang out.

[Anonymous]

Yup your a b lister. I have a “friend” like this. Every time she makes plans I wonder what the real agenda is. When she is going to break plans she’ll start texting a week before about how she is sick or some other made up crap. It’s so predictable I don’t even get upset if she cancels. My husband and I laugh when I tell him that she started her excuse texting. When we do go out it’s fun so I just keep it superficial.

[Anonymous]

Do you enjoy your time with her? You can't control her, but you can control your expectations. If you just want a cup of coffee and some time to shoot the breeze, and that's what she provides, then it doesn't matter where you rank in her priorities.

[Anonymous]

She may have no a-list friends. My formerly good friend treats everyone this way now, and none of us is willing to put things on hold while she figures out her best option. She has complained that she has no close friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’re both on each other’s b lists. If you enjoy the time spent together, take it for what it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, make sure you initiate 1/2 the time. Invite her. Give her a choice of 2 or 3 firm options, Date/time/activity specific. If she doesn't accept, you wait till she initiates. If you still feel that this is taking more of your time than hers, you need to decline an invitation from her once in awhile.

This relationship is doomed if the balance of power, generally over time, isn't equal.

[Anonymous]

OMG what? You are analyzing social interactions with this level of detail during this pandemic? Consider medication.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you even conceptualize it this way? It’s not a contest, there are no rankings!

If you want good friends, be a good friend. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re probably a b-lister. I have a “friend” like this. Whenever she says she wants to hang out, I wonder what she really wants. Usually she does want something. I’m always shocked when she actually just wants to hang out.

+2.