Should we relocate to be closer to family?

[Anonymous]

DH and I moved to CA six years ago and our immediate families are both on the east coast and all live in the same area. We’re both very independent normally so the move across the country, and seeing family 1-2 times per year, has not bothered us in the past. We own a small house here and have a one year old.

I’m not sure if its a combination of our baby growing up and corona isolation which has made us reconsider whether we should move to be closer to family. While we own a house here and could upgrade, our money would go so much farther near where our parents live. We also both grew up within 2-6 hours driving distance of extended family, and now all of our family is across the country and most have never visited us, even before corona happened, and probably wouldn’t in the future. We are also black and there are very few black families where we live, whereas the cities we grew up in have a much higher percentage of black people. I knew that would be an issue when we moved here, but i didn’t appreciate how much it would bother me when raising a child.

We moved from the east coast for work and it has been great for me. I’ve gotten better experience here and there are more interesting opportunities in my field; I felt very lost on the east coast and like i did not have good opportunities. Some of that could be explained by me being relatively entry-level back then, but its obviously hard to tell.

My husband has left the decision up to me (because moving to CA was his idea) and I’m at a loss. He would prefer to go back to the east coast, but he would rather go to the south (NC/ATL) because of the cheaper cost of living. We want this move to be our last and I’m very hesitant to Move to another unknown city. So for me the decision is to stay in CA and move to a bigger house or to move back to the area where we grew up. While I like CA, I’m worried that my child will miss out of close family relationships because of the distance. I’m also worried about the lack of black diversity here. We do have some friends here, but i dont think the friendships are an anchor keeping us here. On the other hand, moving closer to family means the emotional burden of family obligations and a potentially less fulfilling job. Where we grew up is fine, but we don’t love it and we’d just be moving there for family and housing reasons.

I’m looking for advice on how to make this decision. Has anyone moved far from family and how did that affect your child? What would you do or consider in this situation? Any advice welcome.

[Anonymous]

We moved from DC to be closer to family after DD was born. We went knowing we’d enjoy being near family, and our daughter would grow up with cousins and aunts and uncles and all that entails, but we’re worried our life outside of DC would be “less than”. We couldn’t have been more wrong. We absolutely love our life now. Being close to family is so great. I’m very close with my grandparents and being near them, and having my daughter grow up knowing them, it just the absolute best.

[Anonymous]

We left DC to move back to the Midwest where my wife is from. The professional opportunities aren’t as good for either one of us but I’m so glad we made the decision. We were also always very independent (and truthfully, I kind of hated my ILs before we moved), but wanted our sons to know their grandparents, aunts and uncles. My relationship with the ILs is much better now and it’s brought so much happiness to all of us that I’m grateful we made the move. Not sure if this helps you but moving close to family has been great for us.

[Anonymous]

If my DH was on board, I'd move back home in a heartbeat. Now that we have two young kids, the desire to be close to family is huge. This pandemic has only made that even more obvious to me. Both of us would take a career hit, though, and that's the main hangup.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, but both our families live in crazy expensive areas. If they lived in LCOL areas, we might reconsider. If you can find a good house and good school near your parents, and you and your husband would both be happy professionally, I would definitely do it! My husband and I are happy where we are, but everyday I think about how sad it is that my kids don't really know their blood relatives.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would definitely move closer to family. My DH and I are trying to figure out how to do that now. Work has always made it impossible. Having blood connections becomes more and more important, and you've had the great opportunity to leave and expand your world. I will add that having moved away was really great for us and I'm glad we did it. But now ready for more of a sense of belonging.

If I were you I'd come up with areas that work that are close to family. Then get on something like Realtor.com or Redfin.com and start searching for houses. See what you can get. Get an idea on pricing, etc. I think if you started seeing a life that could come together near family it would make the decision much easier.

[Anonymous]

We moved to CA from the east coast when our kids were pre-teen and we really missed being near our families especially around the big holidays. We really enjoyed where we lived but CA is a country unto itself and people there didn’t think about the rest of the US. We eventually made it back to the Midwest and it’s been home ever since with our children now all living less than an hour from us. We would have liked to have gotten back to the east coast but my husband had a great opportunity and now the Midwest is home. Being near family is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

Not unless one of both of you has a firm job awaiting you. We are in a pandemic and the likelihood of a deep recession or depression are excellent.

[Anonymous]

I also vote being closer to family if you genuinely enjoy your families. Our families are from the dc area so we actually moved back here to be closer to them even though dc suburbs is not what we would pick if we could just look at a map and pick. But the relationship my son has with both sets of grandparents feels worth it. And I think our lived as parents are easier (more hands!) there are definitely family obligations that sometimes can be wearing but overall, it’s worth it.

[Anonymous]

We moved to be closer to family and for a whole host of reasons, I regret it and it was 100% the wrong decision for our family. We're moving back to DC and I can't wait to get some distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would definitely move closer to family. My DH and I are trying to figure out how to do that now. Work has always made it impossible. Having blood connections becomes more and more important, and you've had the great opportunity to leave and expand your world. I will add that having moved away was really great for us and I'm glad we did it. But now ready for more of a sense of belonging.

If I were you I'd come up with areas that work that are close to family. Then get on something like Realtor.com or Redfin.com and start searching for houses. See what you can get. Get an idea on pricing, etc. I think if you started seeing a life that could come together near family it would make the decision much easier.

It really doesn't. I know you people want to believe that having a blood relative means they'll always love you and care for you, but there are millions of examples on this board, and others I have witnessed in real life, that do not bear this out. People who love you will care for you. Those people don't have to be related to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I moved to CA six years ago and our immediate families are both on the east coast and all live in the same area. We’re both very independent normally so the move across the country, and seeing family 1-2 times per year, has not bothered us in the past. We own a small house here and have a one year old.

I’m not sure if its a combination of our baby growing up and corona isolation which has made us reconsider whether we should move to be closer to family. While we own a house here and could upgrade, our money would go so much farther near where our parents live. We also both grew up within 2-6 hours driving distance of extended family, and now all of our family is across the country and most have never visited us, even before corona happened, and probably wouldn’t in the future. We are also black and there are very few black families where we live, whereas the cities we grew up in have a much higher percentage of black people. I knew that would be an issue when we moved here, but i didn’t appreciate how much it would bother me when raising a child.

We moved from the east coast for work and it has been great for me. I’ve gotten better experience here and there are more interesting opportunities in my field; I felt very lost on the east coast and like i did not have good opportunities. Some of that could be explained by me being relatively entry-level back then, but its obviously hard to tell.

My husband has left the decision up to me (because moving to CA was his idea) and I’m at a loss. He would prefer to go back to the east coast, but he would rather go to the south (NC/ATL) because of the cheaper cost of living. We want this move to be our last and I’m very hesitant to Move to another unknown city. So for me the decision is to stay in CA and move to a bigger house or to move back to the area where we grew up. While I like CA, I’m worried that my child will miss out of close family relationships because of the distance. I’m also worried about the lack of black diversity here. We do have some friends here, but i dont think the friendships are an anchor keeping us here. On the other hand, moving closer to family means the emotional burden of family obligations and a potentially less fulfilling job. Where we grew up is fine, but we don’t love it and we’d just be moving there for family and housing reasons.

I’m looking for advice on how to make this decision. Has anyone moved far from family and how did that affect your child? What would you do or consider in this situation? Any advice welcome.

OP, I tried to highlight the pros and cons that you mentioned. Sure, being close to family CAN be nice, but in my opinion, it should not be the defining factor. The pro of staying in CA is that you are professionally fulfilled. That is not something to dismiss at all, but is there anything else? The pro of moving to the east coast would be cheaper cost of living and better diversity, which you can get without being closer to family, although it sounds like you'd get those things where your family is now.

I think you need to try to weigh the factors and figure out how much they're all worth to you. If you get a lot of satisfaction from your job (I do, so I get that), then you may not want to put your career in the back seat. Also, you can't guarantee what your family relationships will be like since it sounds like you haven't spent a lot of time with them in the last several years. Some family relationships do better with less frequent interactions. Others can take off given more time. The lower cost of living is a real factor, but again, you have to decide how much that matters to you. If you already own a house in CA, then you're not doing too badly. If you were saying staying in CA meant living in a terrible rental versus buying the house of your dreams on the east coast, I'd imagine it would be a huge pro, so it's hard to say how big of a deal you think it is.

If you want my background, I grew up in CA, went to college and grad school on the east coast, stayed out here, and moved a few years ago to a lower cost of living area that was farther from my husband's family (mine is still in CA). Neither my husband nor I are sad that we aren't closer to his family. I kind of wish we were closer to mind, but my parents live in a resort-type area that would not be conducive to us working, so it's kind of a moot point. Of course, now that we don't want to fly, we would still be able to see my parents if we at least lived in the same state.

Good luck with your choice.

[Anonymous]

We’ve always wanted to move back near our parents but job obligations have prevented us from doing so. But I think COVID is actually changing that in a positive way. It looks like my husband will be working remotely long term for a major company (not scared about layoffs), and I’m likely going to become a SAHM after our next baby is born. We’re looking at moving in summer 2021.

[Anonymous]

How are your relationships with your family? I love the idea of our kids growing up near extended family in theory but the unfortunate reality is that I don’t have a good relationship with one of my parents which makes me glad I have some distance from them. I’d love to live near my siblings or near my in laws as they are all wonderful but both my siblings and in laws all live in places that would have basically no career opportunities in my husbands field so practically speaking it wouldn’t work for us. In your case, OP, assuming you have good relationships w family and there are career opportunities/good schools/good COL for you, I would do it.

[Anonymous]

If you prioritize fulfillment in your career more than other factors (being near family, COL, diversity), stay where you are.
If you prioritize the other things more than career, move.

I mean I know it’s not actually that simple as it’s a big decision and I understand that you don’t want to move again after this. But basically those are the choices, right?

No one else can really answer that for you. If it were me, I’m fine having distance from my family and although the COL and diversity elements are very important to me, I think being fulfilled in my career would ultimately be more important to me so I would stay.