When kids are older and don’t want as much quality grandparent time?

[Anonymous]

My parents have an oversized hot tub that they try to use to lure our kids over to their house. They’re older now and don’t want to do sleepovers much anymore, and the hot tub isn’t novel anymore. They are always like, oh the kids can come “swim” and we will get pizza. We have a community pool that the kids beat to death every summer, so the appeal of this hot tub is non existent anymore. My parents are pretty boring otherwise, non receptive to ideas the kids have, and the kids just aren’t interested in spending as much extended time with them anymore. They’re too far for quick visits, and longer visits were the norm when they were younger. I’m finding it really hard to make up excuses anymore, and I’m wondering if it’s time for a coming to Jesus talk, and how that would even go.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you suggest other activities and outings? Or have them over?

[Anonymous]

Just explain that the kids are busy with activities and their interests are different than when they were little. Remind them of the things the kids are suggesting and that they (your parents) are declining. That said, the kids should commit to some reasonable visits and play some games, do a puzzle, whatever your parents might have to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, OP?

[Anonymous]

Explain to your kids that they have family obligations and they will feel very guilty when grandparents die and how much the grandparents love them and how lonely they are. Then force you kids to visit.

Get it down to a routine - every other Sunday - and get them one of those “Life Story” books so the grandparents can tell them stories about their lives, childhoods, etc.

[Anonymous]

Every relationship is a two way street. They also need to put effort in, and that goes beyond buying things.

My grandpas were both dead before I was born, but I had "grandma" and "the OTHER grandma". I liked visiting grandma, even into adulthood. She made an effort with me, and I made an effort with her. I saw the "OTHER" grandma less and seeing her was more of a chore vs something I looked forward to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explain to your kids that they have family obligations and they will feel very guilty when grandparents die and how much the grandparents love them and how lonely they are. Then force you kids to visit.

Get it down to a routine - every other Sunday - and get them one of those “Life Story” books so the grandparents can tell them stories about their lives, childhoods, etc.

No, do not do this. Guilt is a terrible tool and they will resent you. Instead, make it a positive. It feels great to brighten someone's day. You always make them smile. Let's come up with a compromise that works. Pull for their positive traits rather than forcing them into something.People like to be recognized for being good and decent and it's a great lesson to experience the feeling of bringing someone joy. Guilt pulls for the negative-obligation, resentment, manipulation, passive aggressive, hatred of self and others, misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every relationship is a two way street. They also need to put effort in, and that goes beyond buying things.

My grandpas were both dead before I was born, but I had "grandma" and "the OTHER grandma". I liked visiting grandma, even into adulthood. She made an effort with me, and I made an effort with her. I saw the "OTHER" grandma less and seeing her was more of a chore vs something I looked forward to.

Was other grandma your dad’s mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every relationship is a two way street. They also need to put effort in, and that goes beyond buying things.

My grandpas were both dead before I was born, but I had "grandma" and "the OTHER grandma". I liked visiting grandma, even into adulthood. She made an effort with me, and I made an effort with her. I saw the "OTHER" grandma less and seeing her was more of a chore vs something I looked forward to.

Was other grandma your dad’s mom?

Nope, other grandma was my mom's mom.

[Anonymous]

Kids get to an age where they want to spend time with their friends. You can only tell your parents that and they should understand the visits will have to dial down a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every relationship is a two way street. They also need to put effort in, and that goes beyond buying things.

My grandpas were both dead before I was born, but I had "grandma" and "the OTHER grandma". I liked visiting grandma, even into adulthood. She made an effort with me, and I made an effort with her. I saw the "OTHER" grandma less and seeing her was more of a chore vs something I looked forward to.

Was other grandma your dad’s mom?

Nope, other grandma was my mom's mom.

My “other grandma” was my mom’s mom too.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents used to drive 45 minutes out to us for brunch every Sunday. I would sit and eat with them for an hour, then hop off to my retail job. They would hang out with my parents for a couple more hours before going back home.

You don't say how far away the grandparents are, but could something like that work?

I would also tell the grandparents "the kids are too big to swim in the hot tub anymore. If you want to spend time with them you're going to need to meet them for some of their interests." And then point out to the kids "Grandma would like to go see that movie/go mini-golfing/whatever with you. It would be nice of you to meet her halfway since she's trying."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to your kids that they have family obligations and they will feel very guilty when grandparents die and how much the grandparents love them and how lonely they are. Then force you kids to visit.

Get it down to a routine - every other Sunday - and get them one of those “Life Story” books so the grandparents can tell them stories about their lives, childhoods, etc.

No, do not do this. Guilt is a terrible tool and they will resent you. Instead, make it a positive. It feels great to brighten someone's day. You always make them smile. Let's come up with a compromise that works. Pull for their positive traits rather than forcing them into something.People like to be recognized for being good and decent and it's a great lesson to experience the feeling of bringing someone joy. Guilt pulls for the negative-obligation, resentment, manipulation, passive aggressive, hatred of self and others, misery.

This is actually good advice to approach it this way, with the purpose being the same: Your kids need to understand it's not always about them, and that comes with being part of a family.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of them coming to you. Kids can fade in and out of the visit. Maybe they would be happy to visit your pool and see the kids with their friends. Food is always a good activity. Cookie bake in the afternoon for dessert later. Another idea is suggesting new activities. Mom, kids would really like to see XX movie, would you like to take them? Larlo is bringing a new Lego box up. He plans to build over the weekend. Sally is hoping Dad will help with the puzzle she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain to your kids that they have family obligations and they will feel very guilty when grandparents die and how much the grandparents love them and how lonely they are. Then force you kids to visit.

Get it down to a routine - every other Sunday - and get them one of those “Life Story” books so the grandparents can tell them stories about their lives, childhoods, etc.

No, do not do this. Guilt is a terrible tool and they will resent you. Instead, make it a positive. It feels great to brighten someone's day. You always make them smile. Let's come up with a compromise that works. Pull for their positive traits rather than forcing them into something.People like to be recognized for being good and decent and it's a great lesson to experience the feeling of bringing someone joy. Guilt pulls for the negative-obligation, resentment, manipulation, passive aggressive, hatred of self and others, misery.

This is actually good advice to approach it this way, with the purpose being the same: Your kids need to understand it's not always about them, and that comes with being part of a family.

+1

I'd tell your parents that the kids don't want to swim in the hot tub, but give some other ideas of activities that might be more fun -- baking cookies, teaching them to sew or knit, board and card games, crafts, movies, doing a puzzle, whatever. I agree about framing it as something positive, but I'd also make them go -- their grandparents loved them before they were particularly interesting people. Giving them a little of your time is a completely reasonable request.